Now All You Kool-Aid Drinkers!


Let me tell you a little story about the show I watched on TLC tonight.

So this guy, Brian, meets this chick, Pam. Brian tells us that "I think I fell in love with her simpleness."

What? That's no compliment! Seriously, would you like it if any of your loved ones called you simmple? My dad uses the term "simpleton" as an insult all the time!

Pam and Brian are so in love that he decides to propose. Ever the charmer, as he slips the ring on her finger, Brian tells Pam "I love you but I don't believe in monogamy."

So Pam threw the ring at Brian, spit in his face and told him to go to hell, right?

Wrong. Pam is simple, remember?

"I thought 'Oh no! He'll probably have an affair. But I guess we'll deal with that when it comes up."

Brian and Pam get married and Pam goes off on a tour of duty. While she's gone, Brian finds and falls in love with Kathy. He calls Pam up and says "Pam, I've found someone else. I still love you but I am in love with Kathy, too. I want us to work together on this one."

Brian decides they will live together as one happy family. Pam is grumpy. "But after about four years, I was able to accept Kathy and come to love her like a sister."

A sister who sleeps with your husband and has his children. Okay.

Years go by, babies are made, a giant house on the hill is built. One day, Brian brings Denise. "She's just my friend. She needs some help and I want her to stay here."

Then the wives realize that Brian and Denise are sleeping together. And of course, Brian decides he wants to marry Denise. "I want her to be a part of our family."

You'd think Pam would be the one to take a stand. She's done it once, she's not doing it again kind of a thing.

Instead, Kathy, the last person to complain about someone trying to horn in on husband time, acts like spoiled youngest kid. She pouts a lot. And she complains about how Denise doesn't pull her weight.

You see, everyone in the house has specific chores. One kid has to feed the chickens, gather eggs and make sure his room is clean. Another feeds the dogs and rounds up the cattle. Denise's job is "the stairs."

Denise cries and goes on and on about the financial contributions she has made to the household. It seems she came to the house right when the family was close to losing their home. How convenient, no?

Just let me know when this stops sounding like a cult.

Finally, the adults all have a sit-down. Brian lays down the law. "You will start acting like a member of the family or you will be leaving."

Kathy bitches and moans. Denise cries and moans.

Then Pam finally takes a stand. "I can't do this anymore! Look at what this is doing to him! I just can't stand seeing this drain him the way it does! It has to stop!"

Wait. What? What about what it's doing to yourself and your family?

Then Brian, stand-up Mr. Sensitive that he is, gets up. He pats Denise on the head and walks out of the room!

He leaves Pam to comfort Denise and tell her "It's time to move on."

I have got to get this guy's number! I am in love!

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