Disconnect and Self Destruct One Bullet at a Time

Whatcha got Down There?

So I'm totally awesome and everyone wants to be friends with me. Seriously. Everyone fights for my attention.

Okay. So not everyone. And I guess I'm not that awesome. But there is a bit of a rivalry between Casey and Jacque.

Casey wasn't especially excited when i started hanging out with Jacque. Whenever I would mention her, he would gumble something about "Your new best friend."

And Jacque's a little bit the same. When I told her that they were moving, she got a little pouty. "Now we'll never see you. You'll always be hanging out with them."

Come on, people. I'm a hermit! You'll probably see me just as often as you did before! And you'll be lucky to see me that often!

I assured her that I'd still come around. And I think she was feeling fine about it until Casey left her this message on MySpace:

"Move over Rover, time to let the big dog in."

It got her a little riled up, but she has decided to make the best of the situation. Now she wants to know when we're going to have our first barbecue.

"Never!" You see, now it's my chance to be jealous.

I can just see it happening:

We all hang out a ew times and everyone starts getting really chummy. Then Raw and Jacque will decide to start hanging out alone before I come over. Then they'll decide to hang out alone when I'm not even planning to come over. Then Chris and Casey will get mad that the wives are always hanging out and having fun, so they'll start hitting the bars together. Then I'll start wondering where everyone is because they won't answer when I call. Then I'll start driving by their houses and see their cars. Then I'll end up standing outside their windows weeping while I watch them laughing and talking. Then of course, I'll get all paranoid, thinking they're laughing and talking about me so I'll end up getting angry and pooping on their porches. Then because that's how my luck goes, a cop will drive by while I'm squatting and they'll arrest me. Then the poomongers will be scared of all the commotion and my friends, who are all new best friends, will write me off as a complete whacko. Then my cat will go crazy with hunger while I'm in the loony bin and he'll eat his way through my door and snack on a few people in my building before running out and disappearing in a blur of snarling rage. Then my family, shamed by my actions and guilt-ridden because they felt they should have known, will have to move to Kenya to work at The Gallman Africa Conservancy to escape the humiliation. Then one night, they'll be maimed by a frisky pride of lions. And then the aliens will come and blow up the planet.

Do you see the stress I'm under?

I know, for someone so hermity, I'm pretty needy and insecure.

But I have reason to worry. I've had several "Hey Meet my friend & Steal my friend" encounters.

You've heard about a couple of these. It also happened to me several times in Lawrence.

It just hurts to go from the middle man to the outsider. So, while I have this desire for all my friends to meet and hang out, I also am scared they'll end up liking each other too much.

I guess maybe I just have really good taste in friends!

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