Come visit us soon!
I'm never sure how to treat or talk to them. Kids are smart, you know. People think they're innocent and don't know much about the ways of the world, but people are WRONG! I remember what it's like to be a kid and know how to manipulate people! Those goobers know everything!
So I want to talk to them like they're equals, but then they don't want to hang out with me because they know I know their game.
Babies are especially scary! They're so tiny and delicate! Do you know how easily you can hurt them without even realizing it? I do! I've read stuff!
Maybe I just didn't grow up around enough babies. I'd best be getting used to them, though. All my friends are going out and getting their own bambinos.
Les and Staci were probably the first of my friends to contribute to the population. They live in Lawrence and since I rarely get up there, I didn't get to see Carter until he'd been around for a few months. He was a little turd and totally cute.
It didn't take long for Staci to ask if I wanted to hold him. I was stiff at first, but you know how you start gaining confidence as you hold a kid. "Oh yeah I got this stuff down! I am the master!" So you shift their position and before you know it, the kid's got his head on your shoulder. "I'm a pro!" you think to yourself. And you think that maybe this tiny little baby just might like you!
This tiny baby looks up at you. And you look down at him. He opens his tiny little mouth and you smile and then
BARF GUSHES OUT ALL OVER YOU!!!
Yeah, that was Carter's way of welcoming me to his home. Thanks, buddy! What's worse is that the next day, we went for a quick visit and he immediately threw up on me again! I'm not sure if that means he liked me or not . . .
Last year, Carter got himself a little brother. Again, it was a few months before I met River. He's just as cute as his brother was. (You gotta hand it to Les and Staci . . . they make some cute kiddos!)
It came time for me to hold River, and everyone starts laughing and remembering how much Carter liked me. I was hoping they'd be quiet. I didn't want them to give River any ideas.
Not three minutes went by before that tiny mouth opened (I swear he smiled, too!) and I knew exactly what was coming! Six gallons! I promise it had to be six gallons of baby barf that poured out of his mouth and all down my arm!!!
I know that Carter had a little discussion with baby brother before I came over! "Hey River! There's this chick coming over and it'd be totally awesome if you puked all over her as soon as you can! She likes it! Trust me!"
I told you they know what they're doing!