I Might Escape the Dream


I am officially not allowed to get married.

I'm not sure I've ever had a dream about getting married before, so last night may have been a first. And I really hope it's the last.

So I dreamed it was my wedding day. I was hanging out with my family and didn't even know what time the wedding started. This was the first clue to the extreme unorganized nature of this event.

I was told the wedding was at four. It was two o'clock and I had just decided to get ready. I was heading to the shower when I decided to try on my dress.

Apparently, I hadn't seen my dress before. My mom had gotten it cheap. I can't really remember why, but she either won it or got it at an auction.

She did a decent job. It was kind of prom-dressy. It was shiny white with black accents. The skirt was very full. I was pleased until I saw the back. I was certain the zipper would not go all the way up. Maybe I should have tried the dress on a little sooner than two hours before the ceremony!

I called my mom in and she was able to zip it up easily. I guess I had it on wrong. The dress ended up being too big and since it was strapless, I had some trouble holding it up. I started thinking about stuffing my bra and told my mom the one thing I didn't like about the dress.

"Can we hide this Pizza Hut logo?"

That's right. My wedding dress had a Pizza Hut logo the size of a large fist right at my hip. Sweet.

My mom assured me that she could pin a couple of the folds in the skirt together so the logo would be hidden. At this point, I must have been bored with the whole getting ready part of the dream because I was now suddenly at the church.

Jacque was there and was grumpy that she wasn't a bridesmaid. I didn't seem to have any bridesmaids but needed someone to do my hair. "You can be my personal attendant!"

We walked into the reception area where they were setting up for the dinner and dance when I realized we hadn't hired a DJ. I had my iPod with me and convinced Marcus and Casey to just hook the iPod to a stereo and be DJs all night.

"It'll be okay. I have The Hokey Pokey, The Chicken Dance and The Time Warp all on there."

That's the one part of my dream that's true.

I went into the church and was walking around without my hair did (good job, Jacque!) when something else went wrong. I had forgotten shoes.

Instead of just going barefoot, I decided to shoot up the aisle wearing weird brown clogs so my mom wouldn't notice and be mad. I didn't even wait for my dad. in fact, I beat the groom to the altar.

Oh yeah. Who was the groom? Funny you should ask that. It seems like during this whole debacle, I never really cared to whom I was marrying. At some point, I remember bringing up that question to myself in my dream and my brain settled on my high school prom date. But once I got to the altar, I can't tell you who met me there. It wasn't my prom date.

There I was at the altar, waiting for everyone to join me. Ugly brown shoes. An ill-fitting wedding dress. Pizza Hut logo.

My dad finally stood between me and my love. When the preacher asked the question about "who wants to give this chick away?" my dad was on it. But he also said something really goofy. I can't seem to remember what it was.

He then rushed over to the groom and gave him a Benny Hill. Then he ran out into the congregation, grabbed my Uncle David around the neck and did the same to him.

All the men in the audience jumped up and gave each other Benny Hills. I remember seeing gimp over from the side so he could get my dad.

You know, I've ever really wanted to get married, anyway, but I've never completely ruled it out.

However, this has certainly terrified the last shred of "maybe" right out of me!

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