A couple of months ago, I was at Jacque's house sitting in the living room with her and Evan. She left the room for a minute and a few minutes later, I was overcome with a horrid stench.
"Damn, baby!" I cried as I buried my face into my shirt.
Jacque came back in and looked at me, puzzled.
"I think that kid just dumped a giant turd!"
She laughed and checked his pants, the way every mother does. "I don't see anything."
Yet I could swear I could still smell something.
The phone rang, so Jacque answered it and I got down on the floor to play with Evan. He was crawling all around me as Jacque chatted away.
I picked Evan up and squeezed him tight to me.
Then Jacque squealed "Oh he did poop!"
I sat, not knowing what to do while she continued.
"It's coming out of his pants OH IT'S ON YOUR ARM!!!"
I promptly freaked out and handed Evan over. Then I scrubbed my arm raw.
Apparently, everyone else in town had decided to try it, as well. The first Pizza Hut we called had over an hour delivery time and had run out of ingredients for the Lasagna Pizza.
Jacque called another store to order it and decided she would pick it up. Evan and I sat on the porch and waved goodbye.
We went back inside to play with toys while we waited for dinner. We sat on the floor and threw some balls around when I detected something rotten.
"Did you poop?" I asked Evan. His response was just to grin at me.
I took a peek in the diaper and saw a bit of brown. Of course.
He didn't seem too grumpy. Maybe we could just wait until Jacque got home!
But I felt so guilty. And I knew that even though Evan wasn't grumpy, Jacque would be if she came home to a crappy diaper.
So I gritted my teeth and picked up Evan. He even laughed like he knew the torture coming up for me.
I got him on his changing table and slowly got his pants off, hoping Jacque would walk in just in time.
With a deep sigh, I peeled open one side of the diaper. Then the other. Then . . .
Oh my God!!! The horror! "How did that all come out of you???"
Evan was no help, either. He wiggled around and kept trying to reach down into the poo. Somehow, he wiggled some poop right onto the changing table. I think I got some on the wall, too. Somehow.
After what seemed like hours, I finally got the kid cleaned, powerdered and freshly diapered. Then I heard a door slam.
How did I know Jacque would show up right when I was done with the diaper?
I settled the pantsless-Evan on my hip and stood in the doorway, waiting for Jacque.
She looked at my frowny face and was confused. "What?"
Then she saw that Evan's jeans were missing. She laughed and laughed.
"Good job, Evan!"