I do Christmas the way I do my birthday--with multiple celebrations.
This weekend, I summed up one of the weirder holiday seasons by helping Jackson tear down a mountain of presents.
I was too worn out to help him wade through the resulting swamp of wrapping and tissue paper.
I always get the dogs a little something for Christmas. This year, I found a bouncy ball in a bee costume. Perfect, right?,
The dogs are notorious for chewing the crap out of their toys. I knew when I bought the bee that it wouldn't take them too long to dismantle it.
I did think it would take more than thirty minutes . . .
Today it snowed. And the wind blew. And it was very very cold.
I'm not looking forward to winter if this is what we have in store.
But it did put me in a Christmas-ey mood and I decided to wrap presents. I'm pretty sure I wrapped a few hundred. I just got done and my back hurts, I have ten different sizes of paper cuts and I'm delirious.
Next year, you're all getting gift cards mailed to your house.
I'm done with my Christmas shopping and have moved on to downloading Christmas CDs.
I'm just warning you. Aunt Bee is feelin' it.
Christmas is coming up soon.
OH yes I know, it's well over two months away. We haven't even gotten through Halloween blah blah blah. But I've got most of my shopping done already!
That's right! Your presents have been purchased and I'm buying a lot of "green" things this year. Don't you groan at me! They're cool!
Ingrates.
Anyway, I'm sure all this talk of Christmas has you thinking "Hmm . . . what can I get Aunt Bee for Christmas?"
Well, let me tell you! I need this.The RS-2 is like an escape pod from your camera bag. It has a spot for your ID or business cards, a cell phone/radio holder, a spare-battery pocket, and room for two CF cards. The quick-release sizing adjustment, located on the front, makes the strap easy to put on and take off, while also allowing full adjustment to fit your frame.
My current strap is uncomfortable. And I have never felt comfortable wearing any strap around my neck. I've tried to wear them cross-chest, but they just look wrong.
This however, looks brilliant!
So, I need it. Christmas is coming up. Actually, Halloween is much sooner if you were looking for a reason to buy me a present!
I tend to celebrate Christmas much the way I do my birthday--eight thousand times.
My first Christmas celebration this year was in Missouri on December 23. I watched the weather forecast all week and was afraid I'd be driving in a storm if I left Friday night, so I decided to leave early on Saturday morning. This, of course, ended up being the wrong decision. I ended up driving most of the five hours in either snow, ice, slush or rain. And yet I still beat my parents. It was an enjoyable twenty-four hours. I got in some shopping and a lot of talking. I even managed to do a little listening. Grandpa has scanned a bunch of old family photographs and we looked through them. He told me stories about people I've never known. I'd never seen photographs of most of the people until that day. He pulled up a picture of three children. Although my great-grandmother had labeled each with an initial (R., H. and W.), Poppy couldn't remember who they were. "Oh I know!" I said. "That's Robert, Henrietta and Winifred!" "I remember, now!" I turned around to look at Grandma. We both agreed that I must be psychic and knew the names. Poppy brought down our excitement with one word. "No." He then went on to explain how these children were related to him. Then he told us their names. "This is Robert . . ." My hands shot high in the air. I knew I was right! " . . . and Hazel . . ." And back down my hands went. " . . . and this one is Winifred." Yes! Two out of three! We all were amazed by my brilliance. I'm the next John Edward! Sitting with us in the den were the gifts Poppy had made for the great grandchildren. There was a line of wooden elephant pull-toys, each with a name painted on the side. I didn't see my name on any of them. So of course I complained. Loudly. Like the big baby I am. "You're not one of the great-grandchildren." "Yes I am!" "Well, not one of Grandpa's great-grandchildren." "But I'm a grandchild who is great!" I thought my reasoning was quite sound. The next morning, I was ready to open presents and had trouble gathering everyone. "Where's Mom?" "Putting her face on." Couldn't she have done that before I got up? "Where's Poppy?" "I think he went out to his workshop for a bit." Now why would he be out there when he could be in the house, spending time with me? And more importantly, watching me open presents? "Where's Dad?" "Helping Grandma with breakfast." Come on people! There are presents to open! Finally everyone came around and we got to the best present. You see, last time I was in Springfield, my aunt's husband, Coy made us pancakes. They were quite tasty and even healthy; full of berries and flaxseed and whole wheat. But they looked scary. For some reason, they didn't come out round and looked more like he threw the batter onto the wall to cook. So for Christmas, Coy got a pancake mold. Now his pancakes can be perfectly round as well as perfectly delicious! Oh come on. It's not that bad of a present! It was definitely a surprise and it's useful! And it's the thought that counts, right?
The smell of Christmas is in the air . . .
What's that? It's not even Halloween yet? Huh. Well, my Christmas shopping is done. Yes. I am that awesome. Now, i can just sit back and relax for the next couple of months while everyone else worries about their last minute gifts. I can also do all the things I have been too lazy to do the last couple of years. For some reason, my Christmas list of things-to-do has been quite neglected while I've been working for this company. This year, I'll have tons of time for baking and Christmas cards! That's right. I know you've missed my lovely greetings! And because I've got such a Christmas fever, I'm going to send out a ton this year! So who wants to be on my list? Send me an email with your name and address to auntbee at heartauntbee.com.
We usually get books at Christmas. This year, Mom Santa brought me three books.
One book was Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk.
Some of you may know Palahniuk as the author of the book behind Fight Club. A few of you may have read some of his other work and know him as an author who always manage to shock and gross out his readers.
Have you read this one, Raw? Because it's the worst of them. Really.
I haven't read them all, but I'm not usually too repulsed. I have a pretty strong stomach.
But a mere few pages into Haunted, and I'm shaking my head "No!" with my hand to my mouth.
I'll spare you the details. But I'll warn you it's gross!
Last night, I picked up the book to read a bit before I went to sleep. I usually read by the lamp, rather than the overhead light, so I flipped the switch and was pitched into darkness. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something glowing by my hip.
And I won't lie. I almost wet myself.
Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but my heart did stop.
It turns out the book glows in the dark. I just hadn't noticed because it always happened to be lying on its front or under another book.
But for a split second, I thought I had a Slimer in the penthome.
So I had a pretty good Christmas. I scored a lot of good loot.
I piled all my opened presents under my mom and dad's Christmas tree so I could gaze upon them all day long. That's how much I liked my presents this year.
It was quite a pile, too. On top of my new grill/griddle, I piled shoes, knives, bath stuff, underwear . . .
That's right. I put my new Victoria's Secret 'Pink' underwear out for everyone to see. What's wrong with that? It's not like it was dirty.
At least I wasn't running around modeling it!
I went to several Christmas celebrations. You can see pictures of some here, here and here.
After all these get-togethers, my parents and I were worn out. We were very lazy the rest of the weekend.
One of these lazy days, my dad asked my mom if she had done any laundry.
"No. I told you I was going to do it tomorrow."
"Oh man! You mean I won't have any underwear for tomorrow?" He joked.
"No problem, Dad! I've got several pair you can choose from right there in that box under the tree!"
Last week, I helped Jacque make about a hundred coconutty snowmen.
I was the master artist behind the holly on the top hats. And the beautiful design on the one in front? All me.
The next morning, I woke up with a cold. Jacque offered to help me make shortbread.
I have never made shortbread before, and with Jacque's stand-up mixer, it was pretty easy.
And Jacque's help was greatly appreciated. Especially when I was leaning over to cut the shortbread and my nose decided to turn into a river.
"Hurry Jacque! You have to do this! I have to stop the flow!"
You'll be happy to know (especially if you ate some) no snot flavoring was added to my shortbread.
Raw called while I was at Jacque's. "Tell her 'Thank you!' for my Christmas card!"
Instead, I looked at Jacque and said "You sent them a Christmas card?"
Raw took this to mean I hadn't been sent one. "You didn't get one? Ha ha!"
"I got mine last week!"
"Yeah . . . well . . ." Raw stammered. "Let me look . . . Oh! This was in the mail from two weeks ago!"
"Oh yeah? Last night Jacque took me out for a Christmas dinner!"
"Well, my card had a hundred dollar bill in it!"
I hope your Christmas was merry!
And if you got a Christmas card from me, don't look too hard for any bills!
Last year, at Christmas, I inspected my mom and dad's Christmas tree.
"Hey! You didn't put Pupcake at the top!"
My mom hesitated. And not in that "I'm not listening" way.
"I can't find her ornament."
When I was just a wee one, my dad's boss decided I needed a dog and bought me a Beagle. She was a beaut, my poor little Pupcake.
She loved everybody. And everyone loved her. At some point, for Christmas, someone gave Pupcake her very own ornament. It's a gold dog engraved with her name. That's how special she was.
She was crazy, too. She would hear us come home and flip out trying to get inside to see us. We would let her in and she would run circles around the house, unable to contain her excitement.
Unfortunately, it really didn't take much to get her all worked up. We loved to watch her run in circles. It was hilarious and a little scary. You definitely didn't want to be in her path.
One night, my friend from across the street and I had Pupcake holed up in my bedroom while we waited for my grandparents to arrive from Missouri. We got her going crazy. She was running her circles around the room when we heard my mom holler "They're here!"
We opened the door and Pupcake shot out of my room. Unfortunately, the front door was open, too, and she was down the street before I even made it outside.
I'll spare you the details; the long hours waiting to hear her scratching at the door, the guilt, the devastation. I think you can figure out how that story ends.
Knowing all this, it's understandable that I flipped out when Pupcake's ornament went missing. Well, if not understandable, if you know me, it's not surprising.
The other night, I was talking to my dad when he suddenly got excited. "Did we tell you we found Pupcake's ornament?"
It was like a Christmas miracle!
Apparently, Mom was adjusting the branches of the tree after unpacking it from the box and Pupcake just kinda tumbled out. I guess the ornament never got pulled off the tree two years ago and was buried way inside the tree.
So this holiday, with Pupcake at the top of the tree (just warning you, Mom. She'd better be top and center!) we can have a happy Christmas with no (less?) freakouts from yours truly.
As you probably already know, I'm pretty much a Starbuck's fan. I've already had about eighty pumpkin spice lattes.
Unfortunately, there's not a Starbuck's on the way to my new worksite, so I'm falling asleep during my training sessions. It was really horrible today. We were all nodding off because all we did was read through a book.
We had a break and I just couldn't take it anymore. I ended up drinking a regular plain ol' cuppa joe and, much to my parents' disappointment, I didn't hate it. I enjoyed it, even. Once I put a little sugar in it, anyway.
As a result, I'm changing my Christmas list. Now I think I need a coffee maker!
And some bleach for my teeth.
