I wrote the previous post in the presence of my mother.
That marks the first time I've written anything with another person in the room.
I don't think she appreciated the honor! She didn't recognize the magic! Nor did she respect the awesome power of the moment!
Ungrateful!
I'm not a big snack cake kind of person. I never have them around the house and never really have the desire to buy any.
Sure, if someone gives me an oatmeal cream pie, I'd probably eat it. I'm not totally opposed to them, or anything. I'd just normally rather have something else to eat.
I think maybe I should be opposed to them. They are so (as Merlin might say) unnatural! They all look a little disturbing and have you ever looked at the ingredients?
No snack cake is more disturbing than the Twinkie. Those things are supposed to last forever in those individually sealed bags. That just can't be right!
When I was a kiddo, my friend's mom always had Twinkies. At that point in my life, I was always excited about the Twinkie.
I'm not sure if I've had a Twinkie since those days. Yet, the other day, I had this craving for a Twinkie.
I don't even know what brought the craving about, but I couldn't get rid of it! So when I got gas, I picked up a package.
I got home and carefully unwrapped the two golden wonders. They felt properly spongy and didn't appear to be stale. Of course not--they're the indestructable Twinkies!
I tore one in two and observed the fluffy cream filling. I inhaled the sweet scent and then opened my mouth wide to take a bite.
The thing tasted like crap! Who eats these things? Either a person develops some kind of a better sense of taste as they grow up or I liked to eat disgusting crap when I was a kid.
Or maybe both, I guess.
Today was a great day for laughing. My cheeks and sides ache.
I noticed a little booklet lying on the counter today. I picked it up and took a look at the cover: "LOVE THE JEWISH PEOPLE"
"What the hell is this thing?"
Tawyna laughed and said "Some lady gave it to me the other day."
"What??? Why???"
"I don't know! She asked me if I was a Christian and then said I might need it."
I don't even know how to express how ridiculous this booklet seems to me.
Don't get me wrong, I hate all people equally. Love! I mean love! I have nothing against those different from me. White, black, gay, straight, young, old, Jewish, Palestinian; none have done me any particular ill will nor I them.
What gets me all riled up is the fact that someone feels the need to distribute something like this. Why must we be told to love anyone?
I got this riled up before I even opened the thing!
The inside is filled with nothing but what I see as hate. Every country but Israel is mocked. Making fools of the British takes up more space than Hitler!
Starving African nations are mocked and belittled. Catholics are razed, which seems strange since they are fellow Christians.
This isn't the God I learned about in Sunday School. The Jesus loves the little children God.
I know that sounds incredibly naive, but this just seems wrong to me. Why couldn't the title and message have been LOVE THY NEIGHBOR?
Click the image above to read the booklet for yourself. Maybe I'm way off base and totally missing the point. But I couldn't help feeling disgusted.
And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.
Mark 12:30-31
I love popsicles. My tiny freezer is full of them.
Thursday, while out and about with Jacque, we discovered Jones Soda Co. has come out with popsicles!
I've never been a huge fan of their pop, but I thought the idea of Jones Soda frozen was quite interesting. Since I have that popsicle addiction, you know.
I bought them and when I got home, I just had to try one. When I woke up the next morning, I was brushing my teeth in the shower, I noticed my toothpaste foam was pink.
I freaked out! I thought my gums were gushing blood or something before I realized I had eaten the popsicle and, even after brushing the night before, there was still red popsicle goo on my tongue. That's some powerful food coloring!
Not only are the popsicles full of color, but I also discovered there's a secret message on each stick. This is the message from the popsicle I had today.
The other day, this woman came in with two tiny and very sad kids. They immediately looked at me with their faces turned down--you know, the perfected puppy dog eyes.
Usually, I wait to give candy to children at the bank until they're leaving. But these kids were too much! I just wanted them to stop looking at me like that!
So I started reaching for a sucker and the woman stopped me short. "They're in the doghouse and are to not even ask for candy."
I retracted my hand, the children continued staring at me and I felt like I was the one in the dog house!
Every now and then the boy, who was older, would say something like "Don't even ask for the candy!"
As they were leaving, the little troublemakers looked back at me, as if to hope maybe I could sneak them some candy. Maybe I could toss some into their pockets.
Then I heard the little girl try one last tactic.
"Grandma, I never asked for a sucker! Not once!"
"I know. I'm very proud of you!"
"So can I have one, now?"
Friday night, Raw, Casey and I met Michael at La Parilla for a late late dinner.
Well, we met Michael mostly so he could watch us eat our late late dinner.
We tore into our food and after awhile, Raw noticed that Casey's white shirt had spots all over it.
Raw and I laughed while Casey lamented "Oh man! This always happens!"
Michael started doing his maniac finger pointing. "I can never wear a white shirt!"
Please, those of you who know him, picture Michael gesturing wildly as he tells us "I always get chocolate ice cream on my white shirt! Even if I'm not eating it! It's like maybe someone is across the street from me, eating a chocolate ice cream cone and a bulldog attacks them and their ice cream gets thrown into the air and right onto me!!!"
We all laughed and Raw decided she'd love to do that to someone. And, of course, by "someone" she means Casey.
On Saturday, Casey got part of his Chipotle burrito all over his--you guessed it--white shirt.
Which reminded me "Hey guys! I want ice cream later! Chocolate ice cream!"
Ten more weeks!
Tonight, Momma Fed and I went to Starbucks to catch a live performance. I was told the guy sounded like Dave Matthews.
Luckily the information was wrong and he sounded nothing like Dave Matthews. Sure, he sings and plays guitar at the same time, but lots of guys do that.
I bought Jacque a Passion Black Tea Lemonade. MMMM!
"You didn't have to buy that for me."
"I didn't! I bought it for the baby!"
This weekend, I'm heading up to Lawrence. Sarah, Casey, John and I are going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on IMAX. Stay tuned for pictures from the weekend!
Hope you had a happy Bastille Day!
Today, I went to the driving range with Doll and the poomongers.
Mitch decided he was done, so Doll and I got to hit a few balls.
My first hit wasn't horrible. It didn't get much airtime but it rolled about 150 yards. After that, I did not do my family proud until my last few balls.
Doll, on the other hand, was doing quite well. She was at least getting airtime and not hitting herself in the leg with her own shots.
Then it happened. I watched her swing and hit the ball. And the head of the club flew off the shaft and well into the range.
We all stood there in shock for a second and then just started laughing.
All except for Mitch, that is. It was his club, afterall.
When I was a senior in high school, I was chosen to be a D.A.R.E. Role Model.
Yeah, I know. Me? A role model? Insane, huh?
Each fifth grade class had four role models. We showed up twice to hang out with the kids.
We thought it was great, because we got to have recess and miss pretty much a whole day of classes. The fifth graders liked it for about the same reasons.
When we arrived, we had to introduce and tell a little bit about ourselves. Then the kiddos got to ask us questions.
They started out pretty typical.
"I saw you singing a solo at That's Entertainment, Allison. Were you scared?"
"Luke, why did you decide to play cello instead of violin?"
"Hey Scott! When you play basketball, how do you know when to jump for the rebound?"
But there's the one little twerp right in the middle of the class. He's whispering to his buddies and has this certain gleam in his eye. When it's his turn for a question, he grins and asks "Have you ever done any drugs?"
We had to go down the line to answer that one. Allison said "No." Luke said "Of course not!" and Scott said "Never."
It came time for me to answer and I replied "Oh yeah, all the time!"
The room froze . The adults in the room looked at me in horror, my fellow classmates looked at me as if to say "You have? And if so, why the hell are you telling little kids you do?"
The kiddos looked excited as if they were going to hear some good stories.
I didn't wait long before I said "I take stuff like Tylenol, Dimetapp, Ibuprofin . . ."
The kids laughed while everyone else breathed a gigantic sigh of relief. I was the hit of the day!
I certainly couldn't lie to the poor children!
*This is a line from the Huey Lewis and the News song, "I Want a New Drug." When I was little, I thought he was singing "I want a new truck"
I'm going crazy! I'm insane! Ack!
I'd like to apologize for my gumpy the last few days. Grumpy, scowling, glaring, snapping. Sorry!
I'm not drinking Dr. Pepper. I'm sure I'll have one now and then, but I'm attempting to quit drinking it nonstop.
And I'm miserable! The last few days, I've been headachy and tense and feel like puking all day!
That Dr. Pepper has some kind of crazy addictive special ingredient! It even called out to me and made me accidentally buy a can yesterday!
When I was on my way to lunch, Jennifer asked me to buy her a pop. "Coke or Sprite, whichever is there."
So I take her money and put it into the machine and press the Dr. Pepper button!!!
And of course Jennifer doesn't like Dr. Pepper.
I think she and Dr. Pepper are in on some sort of plot to get me to give in!
I didn't drink it, though! I fought the Dark Side and gave it away!
Man, withdrawal sucks.
I'm an ass.
I really am. I keep thinking "I need to call Tasha." I haven't talked to her in forever. She's moved into a new home and apparently gotten a cat since I last talked to her.
I'm an ass.
Tasha sends me lots of jokes and little quizzes via email. She sent me this one today. Question #27 is "Who is least likely to respond?" Guess what Tasha answered.
That's right. Me. The ass.
So, even though she was probably right, she shamed me into responding.
So there, Tasha! I'll call you later. I promise. Sometime . . .
1. What is your occupation?
Bank Slave
2. What color is your underwear?
Red, of course!
3. What are you listening to right now?
The Killers. Gotta learn the lyrics by August 13!
4. What was the last thing you ate?
A Bomb Pop.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Red, of course!
7. How is the weather right now?
Dark and surprisingly mild.
8. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
BJ. And Grandma if you count her yelling at me from across the room at BJ's phone.
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Only on Tuesdays when they fall on Feb 29. Of course, I do! I'm just bad at showing it!
10. How old are you today?
Ouch! Twenty . . . six. Ouch.
11. Favorite drink?
DrPepper and, at the bar, Black Russians!
12. Favorite sport to watch?
Football!
13. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Oui!
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
Just my Isaac Mizrahi sunglasses.
15. Pets?
Cijay.
16. Favorite month?
Um. September 1998 was a good one.
17. Favorite food?
Oranges. Popsicles.
18. What was the last movie you watched?
In the theatre, The Longest Yard, at home, All About My Mother.
19. Favorite day of the year?
Oct 31.
20. What do you do to vent anger?
Ram my head through walls.
21. What was your favorite toy as a child?
My brother's Transformers.
23. Hugs or kisses?
I like the Hugs because there's two kinds of chocolate.
24. Cherry or Blueberry?
Cherry.
25. Do you want your friends to email you back?
Sure. If they don't expect me to respond:)
26. Who is most likely to respond?
Tasha, but she's the one who sent this.
27. Who is least likely to respond?
Everyone who reads this.
29. Last time you cried?
July 4th.
30. What is on the floor of your closet?
Oh geez. Everything.
31. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Michael
32. What did you do last night?
Fell asleep when I got home from work. Woke up. Ate a popsicle and looked at pictures on Flickr. Went to bed.
33. Your favorite smell?
Lime Basil & Mandarin by Jo Malone.
34. What inspires you?
The voices in my head.
35. What are you afraid of?
Sometimes, when I'm driving at night, I'm afraid I will hit a deer and the antlers will come through the windshield and gouge me.
36. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Man, that's spicy cheese!
37. Favorite car?
The Croc, of course!
38. Favorite dog breed?
Black Russian Terrier
39. Number of keys on your key ring?
14
40. How many years at your current job?
1 year 3 months
41. Favorite day of the week?
Sunday
42. How many states have you lived in?
One
43. How many cities have you lived in?
Four
By the way, Tash, I scored a 40, too!
Happy Independence Day!
I'm spending my Fourth with my grandparents in Missouri.
They are really two of the nicest people you could ever meet. They make friends everywhere they go and have always spoiled their grandkids rotten.
When I was little, my grandparents would take me on rides through the country. I was always excited to go, especially since it meant being alone with them. It's easier to get spoiled that way!
I've never been scared of either of my grandparents. Neither has ever spanked or hit me, nor yelled at me.
Yet for some strange reason, when we would take these drives though the countryside, I had some strange irrational fear that my sweet, dear, loving grandparents were going to dump me out on the side of the road.
Where does a spoiled kid like me get a crazy idea like that? I don't know if I had seen a movie or something where that had happened or what.
I didn't tell my grandparents about this until I was in high school. The poor things were mortified!
Yesterday, when we were heading back into town from Chicken Mary's, my grandmother saw a road sign that indicated Lamar was twelve miles away.
"It's a long walk home!"
I immediately burst into (fake, drama queen) tears and cried "I knew it! I always knew this would happen!"
