We Were Never Being Boring

Chicken Masala
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

The other day, Mr. B came to the bank.

As I was getting the information he needed, he started telling me all that was wrong with our government.

Now, for those of you who know me well, I fancy myself a political guru. And you also know, I'm totally not.

But I do enjoy a bit of political talk, so I was really into the conversation. In fact, it paralleled an article I had recently read in The Nation: A 'Top Ten' List of Bold Ideas by Gar Alperovitz and Thad Williamson.

3. Real Social Security.
This is the wealthiest nation in the world. A serious progressive strategy should go far beyond the current debate by demanding a bountiful future for Americans when they retire. A good place to start is with a proposal put forward by former Bush Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill that would produce the equivalent of a million-dollar annuity for every citizen--enough to guarantee $50,000 or more a year for everyone in retirement.

So, I had plenty of replies and agreements to give Mr. B as I placed the information he needed in front of him.

Done with my work, I was able to sit and listen attentively without any distractions. I nodded often and was shocked at appropriate times.

Mr. B listened, also, He seemed to be glad to find someone who would complain about the government with him.

Suddenly, Mr. B stopped short. "Are you waiting for that thing, still?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Are you waiting for the computer?"

"No. Your information is right there."

"Oh. That's the only reason I was standing here talking."

Ouch!

ps--I cooked tonight. Aren't you proud, Nighat?

Fall into Sleep

Doll
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Well, this is great. Am I really so boring?

My momma called me tonight and we were discussing very important matters. You know . . . something about how there's absolutely no news on either end.

My call-waiting started beeping in. I looked and saw it was my Auntie Doll.

My mom was on a big rant about shoes or something. I decided I would call her when I was done talking to my mom.

Five minutes later, Doll answered the phone by saying "What do you want? Why are you calling?"

Now you may think this rude, but this is pretty much how we treat each other. That's how much we love.

She asked me about something and I responded. Then she didn't answer me.

I thought maybe it was my connection. "Hello?"

"What?"

"Are you on drugs?"

"No!" she mumbled. "Your uncle is on his cell and won't shut up so I can get some sleep."

That's how much they love. They head to bed so they can talk to other people on the phone.

She asked me about something else and I gave her my response. Then heard nothing but my uncle talking.

"Hello? . . . Are you sure you're not on drugs? . . . Hello?"

Then I realized what happened.

"Did you fall asleep on the phone????"

I had lulled her to sleep with my boringness!

Of course, there was always the danger that I had bored her, not to sleep, but to death!!!

I hung up and proceeded to call every phone in their home. All my calls went unanswered.

Finally, BJ called me back.

"Did she fall asleep???"

"Yes! I looked over and she was asleep with the phone resting on her face!"

Screw lullabies! I'm recording a CD of me talking. I'll make millions!

We are the Neighbours, the Nosy Neighbours

Jacque and Evan
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Speaking of Taco Shop . . .

While waiting for dinner, three freshmen girls sat at the booth behind me.

Consuela: He can't even say my name right!

Giggler: You're the one who decided to go out with him!

Wisecracker: Conthhhhhuela!

Consuela: It's not that bad!

Wiscracker: Why did they put an "s" in the word lisp? Then people with a lisp can't say it right!

Giggler: Hee hee! Lithhp!

Consuela: He's not that bad. Are you wearing jeans or black pants tomorrow?

Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon

E-Z E of the WestSiieede
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Speaking of remembering . . .

Today was Jacque's last day working. Trying to fit childcare into her spastic working schedule wasn't working. Since getting rid of the kid wasn't an option, she had to get rid of the job.

Tonight, I brought over a celebratory dinner catered by Taco Shop.

We inhaled the food, trying to finish before the sausage baby woke up for his dinner.

I told her about my brain damage and not remembering the Landon Lecture I attended.

"How can I just forget something like that???"

Her explanation was simple. "It's because you're twenty-seven! Last year, I was looking at my high school yearbooks and I had no idea what people were talking about when they signed them!"

Great. Does that mean it's just going to get worse?

When Evan woke up, I went to grab him while Jacque fixed his dinner. I was surprised to see he would be eating his dinner from a spoon!

They grow up so fast, right?

Evan even liked me tonight. Usually, he'll like me for about three seconds before his face squinches up and he screams at me until I had him over to his Beloved Momma.

But tonight, I realized he was a gangsta and he realized that I'm the chick who will spoil him for the rest of his life.

So I got lots of smiles and he got lots of "What up, E-Z E? Westsiieede!"

The kid loves to stand--as long as someone is holding him up. But, really, his legs do a lot of the work. I'm pretty sure he's going to walk before he even thinks about crawling.

At one point, Jacque and I were sitting at the table and I was holding him so that he was standing, facing Jacque. I had my hands wrapped around his belly and he was wiggling while Jacque sang to him.

Then I heard a "Glug!" and something warm all over my hand.

Once again, I had been christened.

And if the Dam Breaks Open Many Years too Soon

Geese
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Speaking of The Landon Lectures . . .

When reading about Dubya's visit to Kansas, I kept remembering having been to one of the lectures back in my younger days.

But, no matter how hard I thought about it, I couldn't recall who I went to see. Even looking through the list of past speakers, I couldn't remember.

So I called Michael, thinking he might know, since many of my high school experiences involved him.

"Have I been to a Landon Lecture?"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I've been to a couple."

I read the list of lecturers and he remembered seeing The Rev. Jesse Jackson. This seemed like the most likely lecture for me to attend but for the life of me, I can't remember it!

Now, whether or not you like or dislike, agree or disagree with Jackson and his views, you would probably remember watching him speak right in front of you.

Jesse Jackson is a pretty big deal to me. I tend to agree with him and respect how hard he works to make a change in the world. It doesn't make sense that I wouldn't remember!!!

Am I really getting that old? Is it really getting that hard for me to remember things?

I can recall looking at my ticket and in big block letters, reading "LANDON LECTURE" but I can't remember the name below???

And yes, I was in high school that long ago. Damn, I'm old!

My Wife has Burned the Scrambled Eggs

Eggs in B&W
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Speaking of McDonald's . . .

Last Wednesday, my lunch was scheduled at ten. Really early, I know.

But when lunch is scheduled at ten, that means I have time to go get breakfast! And you know how that's my favorite meal!

So I made it to McDonald's and placed my order at thirteen past ten. I know this because I looked at my receipt.

It was getting close to the end of breakfast-serving time, but they still had more than fifteen minutes to go. So when I ordered the meal with the scrambled eggs and pancakes, I figured I would have no problems.

Oh, silly me!

I had to wait for an unusually long time. Which didn't really bother me. I figured that meant I was getting a really fresh batch of food.

Oh, silly me!

My mistake was not checking my bag before I left. Always, always check your bag before you leave!

Instead, I took my meal back to work. When I opened the carton, I had my biggest breakfast surprise ever.

My freshly scrambled eggs were not fresh at all. In fact, they were not just scrambled, they were shredded!

Apparently, no one felt like cooking up some fresh eggs for me. Instead, they had pulled the egg off an Egg, Cheese and something Biscuit and tore it apart in their hands.

It was truly the weirdest breakfast I've ever had.

I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe shredded eggs are the new thing.

Can't be much worse than the McRib!

Cause There May Be Times When You Think You Lost Your Mind

Cassie
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

"This is crazy stuff and where is sanity from this? Sanity is where things happen for a reason."

G. Lucas Crane

You Always Break the Rule

In Dreams
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Speaking of Brokeback Mountain, Dubya was in Kansas today.

He spoke at Kansas State University for the Landon Lecture Series.

There's a Q&A session at the end after the speech, and apparently, one attendee thought he would find out what movies Dubya recommends.

Audience member:
You're a rancher. A lot of us here in Kansas are ranchers. I just wanted to get your opinion on Brokeback Mountain and if you had seen it yet. (Audience laughter.) You would love it. You should check it out.

Bush:
I hadn't seen it. I would be glad to talk about ranchin' but I haven't seen the movie . . . I've heard about it . . . I hope you go . . . you know . . . heh, heh . . . I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I was going to say . . . I hadn't seen it.

I have no idea what that answer meant other than he hasn't seen the film. Maybe he heard "ranch" and all he could think about was taking another "working" vacation.

Dialate, Dialate

Cijay
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

I have totally mixed feelings about this. It's equal parts cool and disgusting.

Meet Cy

I Guess I Should Have Heard Them from You

Michael
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

A couple of weekends ago, Michael came to visit.

I was not the hostess with the mostest. My back was messed up and everytime I moved, I emitted involuntary groans.

So I'm sure he totally enjoyed himself.

Even if he didn't, I certainly did. Michael makes me laugh like nobody else and every fifteen minutes I was saying "I'm going to write about this!"

But then I realized that, not only was everything I wanted to write about horribly difficult to explain, it probably wasn't funny to anyone else.

We did manage to get out of the penthouse now and then. We went to see Brokeback Mountain.

There were a ton of people there! We showed up forty-five minutes early and the theatre was already more crowded than usual.

We managed to get good seats, but the show sold out and the theatre was packed. There were young people, old people, cowboys, frat boys, giggly chicks and even a few relatively young kids.

I couldn't help but wonder and even asked Michael "Do these people know what this movie is about?"

We did a lot of driving around. And you can't drive on the main roads in Wichita without driving by a QuikTrip, Spangles, Dillon's or McDonald's.

When we drove by one McDonald's, the sign read "The McRib is back!"

"Michael!" I exclaimed. "I can't believe it! The McRib is back! All my wildest dreams have come true!"

Not only do I detest the McRib, but Michael is a vegetarian, so neither of us was really excited. See how funny we are?

"Oh yay!" cheered Michael. "Dry cleaners everywhere are excited!"

I thought this was such a clever comment! I laughed and praised Michael's wit. "I'm going to write about this!" I told him.

Finally, something I could write about and people would understand!

A couple of days later, I sat at my computer and started to write about Michael's brilliant comment.

I had the television on and I happened to look as some commercial where many people were bringing clothes to a dry cleaners.

"Wow! What a coincidence!"

Then, the dry cleaning couple went to . . . McDonald's. And everyone was eating . . . McRibs.

Yeah. Some coincidence, huh?

Remind me to tell Michael about the time I walked into the office to find three of my co-workers dancing to "Push It."

At Least in Heaven I Can Skate

Thunder
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

I'm a total wiener.

Tonight, I passed up watching "Lost" to see the premeire of "Skating with Celebrities!"

And, with the risk of sounding total crazy wienerish, I think Tai Babilonia can skate the pants off Nancy Kerrigan anyday.

She got stuck with a bad partner, though. Bruce is just too old and weak in the knee!

But there just wasn't enough crash and burn to please me.

And for those of you "Lost" fans, don't worry. I'm keeping up by reading some Dwight.

Took Some Time to Celebrate

Wichita
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

So, I'm reading this article and all I can think is . . .

"Does this mean we'll have another holiday?"

China Beat Columbus to It, Perhaps
The Economist

Rockin' My Peers and Puttin' Suckas in Fear

Showtime Boxing
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Saturday night was a big night in Wichita. We had a major boxing event.

I guess. One of our customers gave us tickets a couple of months ago. We didn't realize it was a big deal until we saw the line we had to wait in to get inside.

Once there, Mr. Announcer Guy informed us that "Wichita! You have SOLD this event OUT!"

He then continued to tell us over and over and over again. Oh and don't forget the bathrooms are over there. And the concession stand is over there. And this seating is open and please could you crowd in?

Oh and the event is sold out!

I'd never been to a boxing match. I haven't even really watched much, so I wasn't really sure what to expect. But I wasn't expecting so many guys to just give up!

In one match, one dude's pants kept falling down. So he just walked out of the ring. And didn't come back.

Nobody knew quite what to do and Matt Hicks was not happy.

The main event had some little guy who reminded me of Mike Tyson up against "Smooth" Justin Blevins.

The poster has Blevins listed as undefeated with ten knockouts. I was expecting a good fight.

Blevins entered the ring and the (sold-out) crowd gave their hometown boy a standing ovation.

Being a foot taller than his opponent, I figured Blevins would destroy the poor guy. But that little guy had Blevins on the ropes quite often.

This was one of the like two matches that went the full rounds. Everyone was disappointed by the slow pace and by Blevins's performance.

Then, they announced that Blevins had won and was still undefeated.

I've never seen a crowd turn on one of their own so quickly. "That's BS! No way Blevins won!"

Even walking out, all I heard was "I can't believe I paid for this! He only won because his family was sponsoring the fight!"

I guess it's easy to stay undefeated that way.

You can see my pictures here, but they're not good at all. Some guy named Beaver was sitting in front of me and ruining them.

Oh and did I tell you the event was sold out?

Like We Just Opened Savings and Loans

Wichita
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Sometimes I don't think much before I blurt out words.

You know the kind. The ones that are supposed to stay in your head?

That's what makes hanging out in the drive-thru at work great. I can switch off the mic before I go too far. Usually.

"We'll have your receipt and your 40 right out!"

" . . . dollars, not ounces."

That Funky Monkey

Peek-A-Boo
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

This may be a little-known fact, but . . I do a badass monkey noise.

No seriously. If I did it right now in the room where you are, you would say "Woah! Who let the monkey in???"

I don't really know why I started doing The Monkey Noise, but for awhile, I did it all the time.

When I lived in McCollum Hall, my room looked out over the main entrance. On a beautiful fall day, this was considered great entertainment:

We would open the windows. To let fresh air in, right?

No, it was so that several of us could huddle to either side of the windows, trying to get a good view of the people below. Then I would belt out my loudest and most realistic Monkey Noise.

We would laugh and laugh at the way the people below would jump and look around.

Eventually, the stress started to wear on me. "Do The Monkey Noise!" "Do It!"

My throat would become tight and I just couldn't do it. It's so hard to do on command! Who do you people think I am?

So The Monkey Noise became a rare breed. I could only whip it out spontaneously on special occasions.

Yesterday, I was hanging out with the Feds. Evan and I were watching Jacque make her bed.

Evan was sitting in my lap and I was singing, as I often do.

"We think his favorite song is the 'Monkeys Jumping on the Bed' song."

She sang the first line and his head whipped around so fast, it bobbled. Then, I swear he did a little dance when she sang the rest of it.

So when she broke into "Old MacDonald" I knew what animal he'd like to hear about!

" . . . and on that farm, he had a--"

"Monkey!" I called out while pumping his fist into the air.

Jacque went on to sing about having a monkey on a farm. "With a . . . "

And I knew this was one of those spontaneous, special moments. I whipped out a custom "Ooh-ooh-ahh!"

It was beautiful! It was realistic! It . . .

Made Evan break out in all-out scrunchie-red-faced screaming.

Well, maybe I'm a bit rusty.

Heaven Go Loop-Dee-Loop

Cookie
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Long, long ago, when Raw and I were roommates, we were watching something on television.

My brain only remembers the important things, so I couldn't tell you what we were watching, but I can tell you the conversation.

Me: "Man! Wouldn't that be freakin' scary to have a baby and then you look and it's some sort of demon?"

Raw: "Oh my God! That would be horrible! And what if it was already talking and stuff?"

We laughed for awhile and then . . .

Me: "What if you went into labor and out plopped an old man?"

I have no idea where that came from, but I can assure you we were both freaked out by the idea.

When Raw and Casey informed me they were going to be parents, my mind immediately flashed to that conversation. All I could do was hope such tragedy wouldn't befall them.

Raw sent me scans of the first sonogram and not only did I realize they really weren't joking, I also thought horrible thoughts.

Raw called me to see if I got the scan. Instead of just answering yes or no, I told her "Your baby has a tail!!!"

I don't care how many times everyone tries to tell me that's a foot and a leg. Until I see a tail-less baby, I'm sticking with my original observation!

I was chatting with Raw the other day, and we were talking about birthdays. The baby is due a month before her birthday, so the maternity leave will include it.

"At least I hope I won't be working. That baby had better be out of there by then!"

"Nah. It'll decide it wants to stay. And no matter how hard they try to pull it out, it will hang on."

"I'll have to do its homework because only I'll be able to hear it."

"Yeah, until it gets older and its voice is louder. Of course, it'll probably be muffled . . ."

Bake at Two Hundred Degrees for Fifteen Minutes

Cookin' Breakfast
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Man I love me some breakfast.

It's my favorite, yet I rarely manage to eat it at the appropriate time. No worries, though. Breakfast for dinner is the best!

My love for breakfast is what drew me to the Back to Basics Egg and Muffin Toaster.

This thing is amazing.It toasts your bread, cooks your egg and re-heats your meat altogether. What's more, it will time itself so everything finishes at the same time!

"Important Note: Your Egg & Muffin Toaster has been igniously designed to optimize your cooking abilities by timing the simultaneous completion of the toast and the egg."

Ingenious, indeed!

I used my "reward points" at work to reward myself with one of these magical toasters. I just received it today and read the instruction booklet as soon as I got home.

I know, I know, it's amazing that I read the instructions. But it's good that I did. I found out this baby will hard-boil eggs, too! What doesn't it do?

Well, lots. But it was time to see if it did what it's supposed to.

Time to test. I split the English muffin and cracked the egg. I put them in their designated spots.

I pressed the proper button, pushed down the lever, and waited for the magic to happen.

I was expecting a catastrophe, but actually, everything turned out well and quite tasty if I do say so myself.

So, McDonald's, you stop serving breakfast at 10:30? Well, who needs you when I've got my new toy?

Still, as good as the sandwich was, I couldn't help but think:

"I wish this thing cooked up hash browns!"

And We Thought the Dark would Never End

Sky
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

This year, I spent New Year's Eve in Clay Center.

My Dadoo had to work, so we sat at the bar and let him serve us. I drank leftover strawberry daquiri at the bottom of the blender all night. Man, how do people drink so much sweet stuff?

There was even semi-live entertainment. Some dude with a major mullet sat on a stool and sang other people's songs to tracks.

You'd think that, since it was New Year's Eve, he'd sing some peppy songs to start the year off lively, right?

Wrong. He sang the sappiest, slowest country songs ever.

I was relieved when he played a song I knew and even liked: Patsy Cline's "Crazy." But then he played it twice.

When he was on an intermission, he would play recorded music.

If I was a mediocre entertainer, I would never sing a song and then play the original artist's version right afterward. That only helps everyone realize how crappy you are.

Not to mention, we ended up hearing the same songs two, three, even six times in four hours. I'm not exaggerating, either!

Since we didn't have champagne, I had dad throw together some shots for us to kick back at the magic hour.

I'm not talking tequila or vodka. No way! We shoot the real shots.

Five minutes later, the entertainment started the New Year early. "Shall we count it down? Ten . . . Nine . . . Eight . . ."

First, we all looked at each other as if to question how serious the guy was. Once we realized he wasn't kidding, several people yelled "It's not midnight, yet!"

Several others, however, decided to play along and cheered, sang and blew their horns.

Mom, Dad and I looked at each other and shrugged. We held our drinks high and recited our newfound toast:

"Through my lips
and over my gums
Look out, liver!
Here it comes!"

Of course, we didn't let the fact that we'd already toasted in 2006 bother us when midnight really did roll around. We cheered and toasted again.

Surely that means this year will be doubly good!

For many of you, this year will be full of what may seem to be new trials and tribulations. But it's all about new experiences. The year will also be full of good times and miracles.

And I can't wait to write about all of it!

Happy 2006!