And I Almost Always Laugh, but That's not Really Funny

Sometimes when I'm out, I try to write things down when I think things are funny. Then I'll remember to post about them later

I wrote a lot of things down Saturday night.

1. Scooping out the bowl was my thing!

We were discussing Raw's cousin and how he visits most weekends. We talked about how funny he was but Casey had a complaint.

"He always eats all the leftovers!"

"So do you, darling!"

"I know but scooping out the bowls used to be my thing!"

2. Wear your seatbelt! I love you!

Raw noticed Casey wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

"I don't wear seatbelts."

"Wear your seatbelt! People love you!"

"I hate wearing seatbelts!"

She must have really wanted him to be safe because she pulled out one of those rarely heard phrases:

"Wear your seatbelt! I love you!"

3. Raw is a dork for knorks

When it came time to eat, Raw was disappointed in her Asian noodle bowl. Casey was nice enough to trade meals. As she ate his porkchop, I heard them mumbling about something.

" . . . make it easier," I heard Raw say.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

Casey summed it up quickly. "She's a dork for knorks."

4. Have you ever seen Love and a .45?

Raw and I were talking when Casey felt the strong urge to ask me a question. I wasn't paying attention to him and he got cranky. He huffed and puffed until he got my attention, as if my answer to his question was a matter of life and death.

"Have you ever seen Love and a .45?"

"Yes."

And then he started eating again. Raw and I looked at each other. We didn't know where that question had come from. Why did he ask it? Did he have more to say? Why was it so important a question?

"Did you want to talk about it?"

"Nope."

Yes. Our conversations are that interesting.

5. Checked the score on the toilet.

They don't have a television at Reba's so I was missing the Oklahoma football game. When I checked the score on my mobile, I was glad I was missing the game.

"I am not allowed to check the score anymore!"

Later, I excused myself to use the restroom.

Raw wasn't fooled. She added to my list.

6. I can shoot you if I want to.

I know that none of these seem funny anymore. But this one really doesn't. Mostly because I can't remember what it was about.

7. I just can't stop thinking about Yo Gabba Gabba!

Raw and I started singing the "Yummy in My Tummy" song. Who knows why. It probably started when we told Casey we ate his dessert when he was in the restroom.

Much later that night, Casey and I were conversing about something that was probably quite brilliant. I looked at Raw who was quiet and just kind of staring at nothing.

She looked up at me. "I just can't stop thinking about Yo Gabba Gabba!

8. Raw left me all alone.

I already told you that Raw called it quits earlier than Casey and I. This one wasn't so much about funny as it was about trying to get Raw to stay longer.

9. She ate all my meal.

After I finally guilted Casey into leaving the bar and sitting with me at my table, he saw number eight.

"She ate all my meal. I had to eat spaghetti with cilantro!"

Don't forget! We ate your pumpkin cheesecake, too!

Lemme Talk to Ya, Lemme Buy You a Drink

During my sophomore year in high school, I hung out a lot with Jacob. You may remember him from The AFUBU! Club.

The next year, his sister Kissy joined the Debate and Forensics team. Thus we became friends also.

They come from a large family. Their youngest sister, Greta was only like five back then. Michael and I were enchanted with her. She had an awesome name and was adorable. When Greta was around, Michael and I didn't pay much attention to anyone but her.

And then you know how the story goes. you graduate and go away and all the little ones stay the same age in your head. Until you see them and are shocked.

I saw Greta for the first time in almost ten years at Jacob's big birthday bash.

"I hear stories about you," she told me. "But I'm sorry I don't remember you."

It's probably better that way, Greta.

Kissy was working when we went to Reba's this weekend. She told me Greta was in town, visiting one of their other sisters, Kate.

"Tell them to come here!" I joked. "We'll get Greta drunk!"

Later that night, after Kissy had left, Kate and Greta did show up. They didn't see me and walked over to a large table in the corner. We watched as they asked Nick for a drink. Kate got a beer and Greta left with nothing.

"The poor thing will be parched!" I told Raw and Casey. "We should send over a Shirley Temple!"

Casey had Nick take one over and asked him to say "Complements of the lady in red."

The girls never sent back a thank you so as they walked out, I made sure to call them over. "Did you enjoy your Shirley Temple, Greta?"

"You sent that?" Kate asked.

Greta seemed relieved. "I guess it would have been okay to drink, then."

Ready or Not, How You Like Me Now?

Last night, the girls were at Casey's mom's. Raw was very excited at the prospect of getting a full night's sleep!

Instead, Casey and I drug her to Reba's.

She lasted for quite awhile, finally deciding to leave us at eleven thirty.

Casey and I sat at the bar and threatened each other the rest of the night. "Do you wanna take this outside?"

At one point, it got so heated, Casey described how he would pummel me.

Boom from Aunt Bee on Vimeo.

Or Will I Ever Stop Thinking About It

Okay, kids. Quit asking me how the PM Dawn show was.

Maybe if you had gone, you could have an answer to that question. But nooooo . . . Nobody wanted to be seen there.

So I ended up in Garden Plain watching a different two-person band. They were from Manhattan and the lead singer's name was Justin Something-or-Other.

Their friend had come with them to get drunk and rile everyone up. He was wearing a shirt that ready "Justin Something-or-Other Sucks." After he gave Jacque a lap dance, he reached out to shake my hand.

"Hey Justin! Nice to meet you!"

He looked at me funny and corrected me. "My name is Josh."

"Oh! Sorry! Your shirt has Justin on it so I just thought . . ."

"Nah, nah . . . That's my boy's name! See the singer? He's my best friend. Blah blah blah." Josh and I bonded over the Sooners and Gumby's.

Jacque's cousin Jill came over and I introduced her. "Jill, I'd like you to meet my new friend, Pete."

"Pete? No! It's Josh!" The poor guy was so drunk, he didn't realized I was just teasing. I guess drunk people don't see the fun in the Change Your Name Game, either. He seemed really hurt.

He didn't have it all that bad, though. Jacque's sister-in-law Lori and I saw a guy with a camouflage shirt and gave him a new name for the night.

We called him tree.

In the wee hours when everyone was good and marinated, there were some crazy activities. At one point, a bunch of people decided to limbo underneath a guy's outstretched legs. When a very blond boy took his turn, he needed a little support.

Instead of grabbing the guy's calf or even thigh, he put his hand right on the dude's zipper.

Lori was standing beside me. I explained what I had seen.

"He's my cousin!"

"Okay. That's fine. But your cousin is a crotch-grabber!"

She then explained that the limbo guy and the crotch grabber were cousins, too.

Oh. Yeah that makes it all better.

You're Doing Really Well My Dear

I just got home from a night out on the town with Jacque and I'm still trying to figure out what my favorite part of the night was.

I made Jacque go to Jill's wedding with me. Chris asked us to meet him at Club Rodeo later. Yes. That Club Rodeo.

At the same place I saw male strippers, I would now be watching real live bull riding.

I missed the turn off of Kellogg on the way out there. So I hit the next turn, hoping the access road would go all the way to the street I needed for the Club.

Alas, it did not. As I started to maneuver a three-point turn, Jacque had a better idea. "Look! People have made it work before!"

And it appeared as though they had. Drivers had gone around the road block into the grass and made their way onto the street just a few yards away. "You can do it!"

I looked at the giant ruts in the ground and the big water puddle. "If I get this car stuck, I'm going to kill you!"

I forged ahead and we cried "Go go go!"

And we made it! 'Twas not luck, my friends! Was mad skillz!

I don't drink beer. Never have and probably never will.

I just don't like it, no matter how hard I try. Going out would be so much easier and a whole lot cheaper if I could just get myself to enjoy a nice cold lager. I just can't do it.

So when we walked in, I ordered me a nice Black Russian. Imagine that.

We wat down at a table with Chris and his friends and I noticed my chair was all wobbly. "Maybe your chair is missing a foot." Jacque suggested.

But it appeared more that I was on some kind of hump. I didn't really mind. It made it easier to rock back and forth to the music.

Which was all country. Ugh.

The members of the party grew and Chris brought another table over. He sat it right on the hump.

So of course, I almost dumped the whole table over. "You watch! I'll spill something before the night is over!"

I just knew it would happen. Because, even though I'm like the only person in the world who doesn't drink beer, somehow I'm the only person of the night who ever ends up getting drenched in spilled beer.

I guess there was one time they played Def Leppard. And when the bullriding would start, they'd play that "Are You Ready for This?" song they play at football games.

Growing up in a rural community, I'd been to a few rodeos. So the bullriding wasn't all that exciting for me. Especially since often, the riders were bucked off right out of the gate.

You know. Like I could do better.

We did go up to see the second round close up. On our way back, Jacque grabbed another beer before joining me at our table.

We sat there for awhile before Chris and his crew showed back up. Jacque was turned to me when Chris walked up behind her. She turned around and was startled.

Now let me tell you about the way she reacted to being startled. She didn't just jump. She didn't even let out a little yelp.

Jacque threw her hands to her face and shrieked.

No. It wasn't even a shriek. It was more like a bloodcurdling, horror movie quality scream.

I think I laughed for five mintues.

I laughed so hard, I forgot about the wobbly table. I put my foot down and didn't even realize what I did until I felt the cold splash of beer upon me.

"See? I told you!!!"

I felt bad about spilling Jacque's beer, so I headed to the bar to get her another. She followed me, all the while telling me that I didn't need to buy her another one. "It was an accident!"

I gave her the beer and we started walking away. And then I felt a sharp pain in my foot. I reached down and felt something sticky. It wasn't beer.

I then felt the bottom of my flip flop and felt a big chunk of beer bottle. It was jabbing into my foot.

That right there. That was my favorite part of the night. The part where I got rabies!