Call the Law, We're Gettin' Busy Y'all

Now with grown-up blackboxes!

Today, Chris walked into the room holding an envelope. "Aaaaww! Your first subpoena!" I did a bit of a double-take. "A wha?"

Once I realized the envelope contained what Christine had promised, I did all but skip around the place with the subpoena flying above my head like a kite. I told everyone at work that I'd been served--with a real grown-up subpoena!!!

Normally people wouldn't be so excited to receive a subpoena in the mail. I am, however, insane when it comes to things involving the courts. I've got to be the only person on the planet who actually wants jury duty. So a chance to give actual testimony is like . . . um . . . well, it's cool for me.

It doesn't hurt the excitement that I didn't do anything wrong. This case involves forgery, and I did all I was supposed to do. Which really doesn't make me feel any better about someone pulling one over on me.

Along with my excitement is some nervousness. Not really about testifying, but more about where and when I'm supposed to go. The subpoena gives directions for me to arrive at 8:30am. When I called the number to find out if I actually had to show, the woman at the District Attorney's office didn't yet know if they needed me. She told me she'd call me between 8:30am and 10am to tell me to get up there.

So not only am I served the subpoena less than 24 hours before the court date, I also won't know they need me until the last minute. The judicial system seems totally fair and organized!

They're Really Saying, "I Love You"

Preston is "Not talking to you right now!!!"

On Friday, a relatively ordinary guy, married with kids, was arrested for the BTK murders.

Nothing had been officially released on Friday, but a press conference had been called for 10am on Saturday. Family of the victims had been invited to the event, as well as several Kansas congressmen. "A source" had told local media that the police were "90% sure" they had arrested BTK and were simply awaiting a DNA test.

I was working on Saturday during the press conference. There were very few customers at the bank that day until about eleven, when we were packed full. It appeared everyone in town had put their lives on hold to watch the press conference. The quote everyone was using was "Bottom line, BTK is arrested.

Usually when we have long lines at work, everyone is really grumpy. But on this day, all the customers generally seemed in good spirits and without complaint. They all wanted to stay around and tell us about everything they'd heard about BTK and how happy they were he'd been caught.

Several of us had planned to go to lunch after work on Saturday. The traffic on the way there was crazy! Not that everyone was driving wild, they were in fact driving quite sanely for once. It was just that there were so many people out and about.

The restaurant was just as packed as the roads. We had quite a wait for a table (since no one had called for reservations--hey! I wasn't in charge!) and it seemed that everyone, once again, was happy and discussing BTK's arrest.

At lunch, Tonya's son Preston was quite entertaining. He's very animated and not shy. He'll talk to everyone, whether or not he knows them.

He's so unbashful, that at one point, he decided that I should be the one to take him to the bathroom.

He dashed in and handled the first part of his mission quite well, then hollered "I'm done!!!" This was my cue to come in and help him pull his pants up. As I'm doing so, he asks "What's your name?" Atta boy, show her what you've got then find out who the girl is.

I took the long way home, driving on Douglas through Old Town and Downtown. There were tons of people just walking around aimlessly. Couples holding hands, people with their families, everyone had a bounce to their step.

As cheesy as it sounds, it seems that the whole city feels a little lighter and happier now that this sicko, Dennis Rader, is now in jail and unable to harm anyone anymore.

For Shizzle Dizzle, I'm on a Track with the Big Snoop Dizzle

Joke courtesy of Casey, pictured here on my toilet.

Q: Why does Snoop need an umbrella?

I have pictures of people in my bathroom. It's not like my walls are covered, but there's a few pictures in there. I know some people think that's weird, but when have I ever been normal? My Grandmere Peg has a bulletin board in her bathroom with some pictures of my cousins and me tacked to it. I guess maybe that's where I got the idea?

A couple of weeks after I put these pictures up, Raw and Casey came to visit. Casey can get a little jealous if he feels he's not being recognized (Look Casey, I finally wrote a post about you!) and was of course hurt by the fact I didn't have a picture of him in my bathroom. I apologized and assured him I'd to work on finding a special place for him right away.

I came up with an idea (maybe not right away but certainly within a few weeks) that was exquisitely genius! I would put a picture of Casey where I would never even think to put a picture of someone else--the toilet! Pretty gross and weird, I know, but again--never normal. I didn't tell Casey about my plan. When they came to visit again, Casey was equally surprised and pleased. Finally, his picture had a place of honor in my bathroom.

A: For drizzle!

Tonight I called Casey (before nine o'clock! That's paid minutes, kids!) because I saw that Peter Jennings was doing some story about UFOs. We have this theory that I'm an alien abductee (never normal), which is a story for another day. I thought Raw and Casey should be watching it, too. The phone rang twice before Casey answered, not with "Hello" but with "Yes we're watching it, too!"

That's one of the great things about Casey. He really embraces my absurdities.

Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me?

This is my Dadoo wondering if I'm
going to eat ALL the hot sauce.

I'm a bit sensitive about my age. Actually I'm really sensitive. It's not that I'm embarrassed. It's more that I just don't feel that old nor do I want to be that old. I'm almost thirty!!!

I don't know why it freaks me out so much, but it does. It freaks me out to be one of the older ones at work. It freaks me out to think that I graduated from high school almost 10 years ago, because it really doesn't seem like it was so long ago. It really freaks me out when I go back home and see these kids that were tiny when I last saw them. Now they're tall gangly kids playing basketball or winning spelling bees or being homecoming queen.

I know that everyone is going to get old and that's just the way the cookie crumbles but sometimes it just hits me. Sometimes it comes out of the blue. A couple of years ago, I was sitting in my car at an intersection and suddenly I thought "Oh man! I'm twenty-four!!!" It just didn't feel right! And then there's other times, when it hits me because someone's shoving it right into my face.

My dad is a bit of a troublemaker and will bring up things just to "getcher goat." (I certainly didn't inherit that from him, thank goodness! I never cause trouble!) I was back home this weekend and we were discussing this kid and how I couldn't believe how old she is.

"That means you're really old! How old are you going to be this year? Twenty-seven?" "Yes." "Oh! Really?? I was just trying to give you trouble! Are you really going to be twenty-seven? I thought you were just going to be twenty-six! Haha! You are old!"

At least he made me a giant loaf of bread this weekend. That almost makes up for 1) Forgetting my age and 2) Giving me crap about my age. Thanks, Dad!

And Into the Fire! Fire!! Fire!!!

I stole this picture from Cameron.

Tonight, I "talked" to my cousin Cameron. We used this tedious messaging system just to satisfy my curiosity about how it worked. It was pretty annoying, but since he never calls me at 3am on his sleepless trips to Phoenix (or Boston or California, etc), I have to chat with him anyway I can!

Cameron is so frowny and serious but will bust out with something totally off the wall and hilarious. Getting us together is always trouble because we end up cackling like hyenas. Insane hyenas. Is that how you spell hyena?

Cameron's outbursts always kind of worried me. He and my brother would walk around town and Cameron would shout insults at people driving by, no matter how much bigger they were. They got chased around town more than a few times. Cameron would come running up to us, all crazy-eyed and manic, to tell us about their newest insult war.

I always told Cameron that his mouth was going to get him into trouble. My theory proved to be correct one day when Allison, Cameron, Marcus and I were playing kickball or something in my grandparents' backyard.

I don't remember what he said, but it was something that made Marcus MAD. There was a bit of shouting and then suddenly I see Marcus flying across the lawn at the speed of light. Cameron just kinda stood there like "Whatchu gonna do, punk?" Just before Marcus reached him, his little arm popped out straight and Marcus clotheslined the crap out of Cameron! Cameron's feet left the ground as he flew up and backwards. It wasn't funny at the time, when I'm the oldest and am thinking about how if Cameron starts crying, I'm going to be blamed. But now when I think back on it, it's really one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

You Gotta Rub Me the Right Way

Rubbing Backs is Hard Work

Jersey was just an itty bitty when I first saw him. My friend Suzanne's cat, Momma Kitty, was a baby making machine. I can't even count how many litters she had. One day, I was over at Suzanne's (to get CDs for making mix tapes--hot!) and we were playing with the three new kittens. My mom showed up to take us back to my house. Suzanne and I had the great idea to smuggle a kitten home.

I held the kitten underneath my shirt and somehow my mom was oblivious to our scheme. I ran inside and to my room then collapsed into laughter at my triumph. It was great fun, but it would be even more so if Mom found out about our trickery.

My mom had called my dad and was concentrating on their conversation, so I knew she was distracted enough to not hear us giggling as we pushed the poor kitten into the living room. We hurried back to the hallway, snickering and keeping each other from running in and saying "Look! Look what we did! We are smuggler-fiends!!!"

I'd like to have seen my mom's face and been in her head at the moment she saw the kitten. Did she see a slight movement or did she hear his puny little meow? From my hiding place, I couldn't hear her, but I definitely heard Mom's shrill voice. "GIRLS!!! DID YOU KNOW WE HAD A CAT???"

I don't know if she thought the tiny thing had snuck into the car and followed us into the house or what, but her reaction was pretty much everything we hoped it would be. My parents weren't nearly as entertained and the kitten was soon rushed back to his mommy.

On my birthday, Suzanne showed up at my door with a balloon and a basket. Inside the basket was the same kitten we'd smuggled a few weeks earlier. My parents had long before set down a no-more-pets mandate and were not pleased with my birthday present. Jersey turned on the charm, though, and it wasn't long before no-more-pets turned into this-is-the-last-one.

So for 14 years, Jersey has ruled my parents' house. He loves Dad more than anyone, and loves to burrow under blankets. He'll eat anything (even carrots!!!) and will keep your toes warm at night. His best quality, by far, is the way that if I rub his back for awhile, he'll rub mine. I've got to get him to teach Cijay that trick!

If You're Bored, Then You're Boring

Naughty is Productive

It has been awfully slow at work lately. We're all bored and it makes us tired and cranky. We're hard to please. If it's busy, we're tired and cranky, too.

When the Notorious Nadia, aka Naughty, is cranky, you'll know it. She'll tell you right away. (No talking, Ryan!) She is hilariously blunt and always surprises me at least once every day.

When we had the big ice storm in January, Nadia offered to let me stay at her house. I stayed with family instead, and that made Naughty grumpy. She called and was really concerned about where I was and was I okay? Along with the concern came a good lecture for going so far when she lives only a few blocks away from me. "I am mad at you! I don't want to talk to you! I'll talk to you tonight, but I won't talk to you tomorrow." It's nice to have people who care--I think!

ps---I really dislike those Disney World commercials with the dogs. Something about them is just so irritating!

I'm so excited!

My New Toys

Emergency evacuation cancelled. My toys finally arrived!

I saw a giant FedEx semi pull up and it was all I could do to not rush out and start yelling at poor FedEx Guy about "How could you put my precious on the wrong truck and you'd better have it now or my head just might explode!!!"

I opened my package immediately and began putting the pieces together. I couldn't put all of my concentration into it, since I was still working, but I told everyone I came into contact with about my new toy's arrival. Chris, ornery ornery Chris, snapped the first photo while I was hard at work. Ryan was the next to get his grubby little hands on my precious. He seemed as excited as I was and helped me out by getting the rest of it put together and figured out.

Finally, my lunch hour came and I was finally able to have some time to play with the camera myself. The vending machine guy came while I was in the back, so I started taking pictures of him. Vendor Guy was moving a lot, so most of his pictures turned out blurry. I played around with this one to make it artsy, but it just turned out kinda dumb.

After work, I headed to Bel Air to show off to the kiddos Mitch wanted to know how I could afford the camera and I told him I had won the lotto. He almost believed me for a minute. In that minute, I imagine he was probably thinking why hadn't I bought him anything yet? I took some video of Mitch driving to get the pizza.

Yes, you heard correctly. Mitch, my little Skeletor Baby is almost all grown-up and driving. And yes, that's his Mustang. I haven't had the "pleasure" of riding with him yet, but I'm sure that he's just as careful and traffic-rule abiding as all the young men are in my family.

I Just Pick Up My Chin and Grin

It's not here!!! Why is life so cruel???

As was predicted, I was incredibly annoying today. I was giddy and so excited because "It's coming today!!!"

You can imagine how I was dancing prancing around when I saw FedEx Guy parking out front. You can imagine how my prancing dancing kind of stopped when I saw FedEx Guy jumping out of his van with only a small package.

FedEx Guy did start walking straight towards me so there was still some kind of glimmer of hope that maybe he had to talk to me about how big the packages were and where did I want them? Instead, he was grumpy (not at all like our old FedEx Guy, Bill. Bill was the best!) and "First initial, last name in the box."

So of course, I was mourning the rest of the day, annoying my co-workers in a different way. Sorry guys.

I came home and checked to see what's the dillyo. The tracking information read "Item loaded onto van 6:14 am Feb 15" So why didn't my precious get to me??? I called FedEx Customer Service Guy who told me that they loaded my precious onto the wrong van!!! Didn't they know how I was waiting oh so very impatiently so I could immediately become the most obnoxious person ever? Flashing here and there and everywhere???

So the word is TOMORROW. Tomorrow it should be here. If it's not, it will be complete meltdown and my co-workers' faces will melt like that guy's face on 24 Monday night.

ps---The style for today is italic.

You're My Obsession

It's coming! It's coming!! My new toy is coming!!!

I got an email today informing me that my new toy is on the way and I'm, of course, crazy excited!
I'm having it delivered to work, so I'm sure I'll annoy the crap out of all my co-workers. I'm good at that, anyway, but I'm sure it will be more unbearable than ever tomorrow. First, I'll be talking about how excited I am that my toy is coming. Then when it comes, all I'll want to do is play with it like a crazy lunatic. If it doesn't show up, I will rant and rave and scream like a lunatic. So you can see my co-workers are in for an exciting day!

Sweet Comic Valentine

Sweet Comic Valentine
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

It's Valentine's Day and here is a big smoocharoo for you!
I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day. I'm about the least romantic girl you'll ever meet. I like sending out cards, though. I didn't get around to it this year--sorry folks! I'm lazy!
One year, in high school, I opened up my locker in the morning and out popped like 20 balloons. My locker was filled with stuffed thises and thats and candy. Instead of oohing and aahing, I just slammed my locker shut and stood there like "oh crap." That's just how un-romantic I am. He DID buy me the Nirvana Unplugged CD. That was hot.

Valentine's was always huge in high school. If you didn't send flowers to your girlfriend, you were in big trouble! At the end of the day, there was like a 20 minute reading of people who needed to pick up things at the office. I was all surprised one year when they read my name, since I was boyfriendless. Turned out, one of my best friends had sent me daisies. That was uber cute!
The best Valentine's card I've received came from dear friends of mine. I won't name names to keep them from injury by those who are jealous because they want to be the ones to send me the perfect Valentine. But you know who you are! We live in different cities and don't see each other nearly enough so the card, even in it's Valentine Cheesiness, was perfect:

The laughs we share keep us close . . .
It's like the smiles between us are greater than the miles between us.

Doesn't it just getcha right there?
To all those I love, I'm sorry I'm so lazy and didn't send you cards, but do know that I heart you greatly; so much that I'll paraphrase a Frank Sinatra song for you:

My funny valentines
Sweet comic valentines
You make me smile with my heart

You will always be my Boo!

I'm not really a cat lady. I always used to think I was a dog person. But cats are just so easy to take care of, since they do most of the work themselves.
All the cats I've lived with have been great and had unique personalities. Cijay is by far the floppiest. Cijay rocks because if I feel like sleeping all day, he'll be right there with me. AND he lets me hog the bed. AND he lets me sing to him. he especially likes "My Boo"
He can't stand to be in a different room than I'm in and hates it when I'm on the phone, because that means I'm not paying any attention to him. So Cijay will get into everything he's not supposed to juat so I'll talk to him and not that noisy silver thing I'm holding to my ear. Luckily, he more than makes up for his annoying habits by letting me fall asleep with my head on his fuzzy belly every night. Fuzzy bellies are the best kind of pillows.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

This is my Cassie May fanning herself because she is just ssssaaahizzlin' hot!

Cassie is one of those crazy Maineonians. She can sing, she can dance, she can FIGURE ice skate and she laughs at my stupid jokes. And I at hers.
Her humor always catches me off-guard. There will be absolutely nothing funny going on and I'll be in no laughing mood and she will bust out with something completely random and I'll fall down laughing.
There's this game we used to play when we were kids. If someone "passed gas," you had to put your thumb up to your forehead. If you were the last person with a thumb on your forehead, well mister ain't you sad because you have to EAT it! What's worse, everyone gets to point and scream at you "HAHA!!! YOU ATE IT!!!" Yeah I know, TOTALLY awesome!
A couple of years ago, I deemed it necessary to revive this terribly complicated game. My friends and I had a night full of uncontrollable laughter playing even if no one had actually flatulated. Oh when oh when will I EVER grow up?:)
One night, I took Cassie to my favorite restaurant (you know the one--my obsession--SUMO!!!) with my friends Raw and Casey. For no reason, (I promise! I would never cut the cheese at the dinner table!) I decided to play the game and threw my thumb up to my forehead. Cassie, being from Maine and completely clueless about this Kansan pasttime, lost and feasted upon some tasty (but non-existent, really I promise!) gas. Cassie knew she was missing out on something supremely fun and was obviously curious, so I laid out the rules for her. I could tell she was amazed by the amount of genius that had been used to create the game.
Later in the evening, I knew it was time to test Cassie's reflexes. Again, I threw my thumb up to my forehead. Raw, being an expert at the game and not a fan of "eating it," was first to get her thumb in place. Cassie was still a little lightheaded from the last dose of gas, but like a champ, she hurriedly slammed her thumb to her head. Alas, poor Casey was just too full from all the buttery fried rice and couldn't quite beat the newbie. Raw and I immediately busted out with the finger pointing and shouting "HAHA!!! CASEY ATE IT!!!" Then Cassie came up with one of the funniest things I have ever heard:

"FART SLUSHIE!"

I love black russians!

And here's a nice picture of one!

Reach Out

I have a couple bajillion ways to be contacted. Here are a few:

email: auntbee AT heartauntbee DOT com

skype: HeartAuntBee

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