I am Red Hot Kitchen

Allie
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Allie and I had a rough day. Everyone was sick, and we were trying to work while simultaneously spreading anti-bacterial solution on everything the sick people touched.

It was quite a stressful situation and, eventually, we decided we were going to need massages.

I told her about they way my cat back home, Jersey, will rub my back and that I just hadn't quite gotten Cijay to do it.

"It's kind of gross," I said. "But I heard that the reason some cats will do that is because they weren't weaned right. So, they're basically trying to pump milk."

Allie, being an animal hater, anyway, thought this was disgusting. She wrinkled up her nose and exclaimed "Someday there's going to be lactation all over your back!"

I busted a gut or two laughing, thinking of how my back was just going to open up and start squirting milk.

After my laughter had subsided and I thought the conversation had ended, Allie still had more to say. "I bet it smells gross, too. I mean, come on, it's coming from a cat!"

I finally realized she didn't understand.

"Ew! No! Ew! They're trying to pump milk from their mom! You know how baby kittens do???"

"Oh thank God! I thought you meant they were milking themselves!"

Yesterday was just Like any other Day

Jacque and Evan
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

For awhile, Jacque was the only real friend I had in Wichita.

Sure, I had my family, but Jacque was pretty much the only non-relative friend I had here.

We worked and hung out together. We saw each other probably six days a week. I think I was with her more than her own husband!

Eventually, we both ended up not working for the Postal Service. I started at the bank, and started making some new pals.

I think Jacque got tired of hearing about my newfound friends. Now, because we weren't working together and her schedule is always all over the place, I was spending more time with them than her.

One day, she pops out with "If you had car trouble and your family wasn't in town, who would you call for help?"

"Of course I'd call you!"

Normally, that would make people grumpy and annoyed. But not Jacque. To Jacque, that meant that I still loved her.

Don't worry, Momma Fed! You'll always be top of that list!

Happy birthday, Jacque!

It's been a big year for you. I hope this year, you don't spend a fourth of it queasy and rushing to the bathroom!

When I Die, I'll be a Sooner Dead

Boomer
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Today is the big day!

You'd better all be cheering your fannies off!

And I mean cheering for the Sooners!

Fashion is Feeding Us Identification

Christmas 2005
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

I wasn't supposed to go into work today until two o'clock.

I was going to sleep until noon, fall out of bed and into the shower. I was going to stop at Starbucks and have a nice four-hour day!

But then everyone, and I mean everyone got sick. Now, I have to go in much earlier and freak out about staying healthy myself.

That means hearing "Why is my account negative???" early. That means hearing "Don't you be puttin' a hold on my check!" sooner. That means hearing "I've never heard of needing two IDs!" about a zillion more times.

Speaking of two IDs . . .

My bank requires that, in order for us to cash a check for a non-account holder, the check must be from our bank and the payee must provide two valid forms of identification. There are several kinds of identification we don't accept (library cards, video rental cards, gambling cards, etc) but I feel we are quite fair in the forms we do accept.

But apparently, half the world makes it through with only one form of ID.

These people throw fits. They curse and tell us "This is why I don't bank here!"

No, my dear. You don't bank here because we require two forms of identification to open an account, also.

They always act like it's unheard of and wrong. "Never in my life have I heard of such a crock of sh*t!"

Come to find out, it's not that new of an idea.

This weekend, I was telling Marcus all about how I'd get him a credit card and my mom started freaking out. "No you will not! He doesn't need to be getting in all that debt!"

"You had a credit card by the time you were that age," my Poppy reminded her.

"I only got that Sears card so I could get my sewing machine!"

At this point, Marcus and I busted out laughing.

"You also needed it to cash your checks," Poppy tried to yell above our laughter.

This, of course, got my attention. "Wait, what do you mean? Did you need it as a second form of ID?"

"Yes. I couldn't cash my checks without two forms of identification, so that was the other reason I got the Sears card."

"So you're telling me that I can start telling all these people who say they've never heard of such a thing 'My mom had to get a Sears card fifty years ago just so she could cash her checks!'?"

Then He Smiled at Me

Christmas with the Po-Po
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

The other night, I was sitting around my place, watching Conan when I happened to look out my window.

I saw a police car right outisde.

"Hmm . . ." I thought. "That's strange."

Then I noticed yet another police car parked across the street. So I stood up to see if I could tell what was going on and noticed they had the freakin' paddy wagon out!

You know, that big van they always have at the riots so they can throw the troublemakers right in as they drive down the street.

What goes through my head? "I could be killed!"

Of course, my camera was clear across the room, so I crawled over to get it. By the time I came back, they were all leaving.

I have no idea what was happening! I didn't hear anything; just happened to look outisde.

I'm starting to think I should move. This is the second time in the last few months I've feared for my life.

Maybe I'll just buy a gun for protection, instead! Yeah, then I'd be safe!

Merry Christmas, one and all. I hope your light display was as pretty as mine!

Start Using My Tongue Again

Christmas at Grandma's 2005
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Sunday, we had Christmas at my Mamo's house.

The whole family showed up. It's the first time that's happened in years.

This was also the first time for the twins to celebrate Christmas with us. I think they were a bit overwhelmed.

Periodically, they'd look around with a look as if to say "Really? This is it? I'm related to these people???"

I often do the same thing.

Conversation topics varied incredibly widely; football, dirty diapers, herding cattle, holiday vacations and eating tongue.

Yeah, that's right. My grandmother was talking to my cousin Jill and her husband, Joe, about eating tongue.

I stumbled in right at the middle of the conversation, so I have no idea how it started. Jill had her face scrunched way up even before Mamo asked her "Jill, have you ever tasted tongue?"

"No way!" she replied.

Then, raising my voice to the fullest of levels, I hurried into the other room "She's lying!"

You have to be very loud to get everyone's attention. We're a noisy bunch. "Jill has, too, tasted tongue! Joe's tongue!"

More pictures from the Christmas Before Christmas

I Don't Know How it got to This Point

Let it Snow!
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

You know what Christmas is really all about?

No it's not all about Santa Claus! It's all about the birth of Jesus and peach and love!

Have you all forgotten???

It's not about gifts!

Okay. So maybe it is about gifts. A little. You know, that whole giving thing?

Which is another reason I'm a complete failure at Christmas, this year.

The other day, I went to Kohl's to get my cousin Jeremy his Christmas gift. I never knew it was so hard to choose a color!

But I got what I needed for him and then thought I'd just take a quick looksee at clothes for me. Just a look! That's all!

Eventually, I headed to the dressing rooms with five items. Only five!

Everything fit perfectly. Everything was nicely priced. But I put everything back. The money I had was for Christmas presents, for others!

So far, I was doing pretty well. I had only bought one pair of earrings. One for me, one for someone else.

Then I headed over to Target. For water. All I needed was water.

But I thought I take a look at the sale racks for black pants. A girl can never have too many black pants.

Oh man. They had so much on sale. And it all fit! And I was weak.

I spent a ton of money on clothes for me. I didn't even buy water.

This year, when you're looking under the tree for your present from Aunt Bee, don't bother. There won't be anything there. Because I'm mean and selfish and out-of-control.

But the jeans were only seven bucks!!! How can a person pass that up???

In Your Dress of Deepest Purple

Edamame
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Normally, I close the bank on Mondays. Which means I normally get to chat with Larry.

Larry is one of my favorite customers. Although he does give me plenty of grief anytime the Chiefs lose. How can anyone be a fan of the Broncos???

He makes up for it, though, by making me laugh at the end of a Monday; a very difficult feat, indeed. Plus, he gave me hockey tickets last year!

A couple of weeks ago, my schedule had me leaving early on Monday. I didn't get my weekly dose of Larry.

The next week, right on schedule, Larry came in.

"You playin' hooky last week?"

"Me? Never!"

"Well, you weren't here last week!"

I explained how our schedules are completely unpredictable. "Why? Did you miss me?"

Of course, he did. And here I was feeling like maybe I've been wrong, all along.

Maybe I do make a difference in people's lives.

Nighat fed into my ego. "Yeah. He was asking about you last week."

I must be totally awesome. Surely all the customers love me so much!

"At first, we didn't know who he was talking about. He was calling you Jennifer."

All that awesome stuff? Nevermind.

I Want to Love You, P.Y.T.

Flag
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

So I'm watching Entertainment Tonight's "Top 25 Stories in 25 Years" and, of course, Michael Jackson was featured.

They showed several clips of him, including one with one of the most inspirational* quotes ever:

"The children are our future. Without them, we would become extinct."

*Um, I mean most obvious and stupid and yet totally true. But it's like saying "Bees are the future of Honey Nut Cheerios."

Watch Me Fly, Your Fallen Angel

Stars in B&W
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Awhile back, I saw a commercial for a television program.

I saw people in sparkly outfits prancing around. They were smiling and frowning and twirling and falling down.

I could've sworn it was some reality show about celebrities ice skating.

It turns out it was just "Dancing with the Stars."

Not nearly as cool or tragic and a real buzzkill for me.

A few weeks ago, I saw a commercial.

I saw people in sparkly outfits, smiling and falling. I saw people with gashes on their faces.

Could it be?

It totally can! Fox has developed and is planning to air "Skating with Celebrities" this winter.

Not very original, I know, but much more likely to involve pain and laughter.

And my pre-pre-teen idol, Debbie Gibson is one of the "celebrities."

"Only in my Dreams" indeed!

Deep in the Cell of My Heart

Bling
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Sometimes when the cat is asleep in my lap, I start to wonder if he's dead.

He doesn't move for a really really long time.

And that position really can't be comfortable.

Then he'll start twitching and having some kind of seizure.

Then I breathe a sigh of relief.

Y'all Don't Want Me Here You Just Wanna Dance

BJ
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

BJ loves his music. And by "music" I mean "one song until everyone's ears bleed."

When I moved to Wichita, the song of choice was "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry. Everytime we were in his truck, we listened to that song. Over and over.

I had just missed the "Ray of Light" by Madonna obsession.

"I play it and I turn up the volume so much that when that one part comes it sounds like thunder and shakes the house!"

The last song of choice was Outkast's "Hey Ya." He would sing and clap along, out of rhythm and without knowing any of the words.

I hitched a ride to Thanksgiving in Cuba, Kansas with BJ, Doll, Mitch and Bret. I swear we listened to "Hey Ya" at least thirty times during that trip. At least!!!

Now, he's moved on to "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. With his new Sirius Satellite Radio, he can listen to his new favorite song all day. It's programmed to jump to whatever satellite station is playing the song.

Sunday, I was over at his house and we were discussing a funeral he had attended. He told me about the deceased's grandson singing and how lovely it was.

"Don't worry, Unckie!" I assured him. "I'll sing at your funeral!"

He looked a little doubtful. Like maybe I could never sing a song that would please him.

"I'll sing 'My hump! My hump my hump my hump! My lovely lady . . ."

Clouds in my Coffee

New Developments
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Last week, when I went to the Dr. Clinic, he decided to do some bloodwork to see if I had mono.

When a woman came to suck the blood out of me, I pushed up my sleeve and she said "Oh good! You brought your veins with you!"

I must have given her a funny look because she explained "Your veins are very visible."

Which surprised me, because it wasn't always that way.

I used to ride my bike up and down the street. At first, that's all I was allowed to do.

I had one of those girly bikes with a big pink seat and flowery basket on the front. It was totally cool.

At the very beginning of my first grade year, I was riding down the sidewalk and for some reason just fell into our yard.

I had taken plenty of spills on that bike. I used to think it was fun. So, I wasn't too upset by falling on this day.

But when I tried to get up, I couldn't. My arm just wouldn't support me or something.

It didn't hurt that much, but it did scare me a lot. So what did I do? I screamed my head off.

My brother, who was running around outside, waddled up to me and asked "Sissy okay?"

Awww! What a cute and caring little brother! Did I tell him I appreciated his kindness? Nah. Instead, I screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Once my parents finally realized what was going on, they rushed me to the hospital. X-Rays were taken and it was discovered I had broken my elbow.

The weird part is that I broke my left elbow. But I fell down onto my right side.

I had broken the elbow so close to the joint, the doctor decided to send me to Manhattan to get it repaired.

So off to Manhattan we went. I had tuckered myself out with all the screaming and fell fast asleep in the car.

I'd like to defend the behavior that follows with the following reasons:
1. I had just woken up in a strange place. When you're a kid, that's scary.
2. I was in a hospital. That's scary, too!
3. I was in a room full of strangers.
4. People were poking, prodding and jabbing at me. They said "This won't hurt." and then it hurt a lot! Liars!
5. I was just a poor, scared little girl!

The staff wheeled me in and immediately started jabbing at me. They had to prick my fingers. They had to jab my veins to draw blood.

I screamed and cried a lot.

One of the big problems was that they weren't able to find a vein. So they had to jab and rejab and all with no luck.

I think the screaming and frustration got to them, because they eventually stopped trying.

I had to have surgery to reset the arm, so I did need to have an I.V. I'm sure they were all looking forward to my screaming as they did some more jabbing.

When they stuck in the I.V. needle, it was like they had hit a geyser. Blood spurted out and onto the floor.

Too late, they had achieved success.

I woke the next morning with toys by my bed and my arm in a cast. Having mostly forgotten the trauma of the night before, I began to think I should get put in the hospital more often.

And then, for the icing on the cake, I got Jell-O for breakfast!!!

I'm Going to Burn this City

Oops
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

You know how there's a big warning on medicines? Like how, on the ones with codeine in them, the warning reads: Do not operate heavy machinery?

Well, there should also be a warning about cooking while on codeine.

I haven't been eating a lot while I've been sick. But I've been trying to eat now and then, figuring a little nutrition can't hurt.

So while I was awake for a bit this afternoon, I decided I should eat something. The only thing that sounded good at all were these Cruncheros Mini-Chimichangas. And that was only because I could eat some chile. Mmm.

So I popped them in the oven and waited sixteen minutes.

When the beeper went off, I grabbed a towel and reached into the oven to pull out the pan.

I think I've already pointed out the fact that my kitchen is tiny. Well, my oven fits in perfectly, being about three-fourths the size of a normal oven. Since my pans are all normal-sized, sometimes the handles want to hook onto stuff in there.

Which is why my hand lingered in the oven. I was having to kind of work the pan out of the oven.

Suddenly, my hand was burned and I thought somehow I'd touched the grill.

Instead, I saw flames rising up from underneath the pan.

I had set the towel on fire.

I'm starting to think I need to hire a nurse to take care of me.