It's Okay, Don't Need to Say It

The Thing
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

I spent my Halloween night at Chris and Jacque's this year.

I didn't get there until somewhere around seven, so I'd missed most of the big Trick-or-Treat time. I had to wait for quite awhile before anyone came to the door.

When we finally heard the bell right, Jacque and I grabbed the candy and went to the door. Waiting on the porch were two kiddos with their parents.

They were quite decked out. The girl was dressed up as a Care Bear, ears and all! The boy was an army man, head to toe in camouflage.

"Well, don't you look cool?" Jacque rhetorically asked.

"Yes!" Mr. Army Man replied.

It was a Graveyard Smash

Ouch
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

When I was living in McCollum , several of my friends and I heard stories about Stull Cemetary.

This cemetary is supposedly big-time haunted. Of course, since I'd always been fascinated by the supernatural, I was interested.

"We heard if you throw beer bottles at the side of the church, they won't break! We tried it and it was true!"

"There's no roof on the church but if you go there when it's raining, you won't get wet inside the church!"

"There's a stairway to hell buried out there!"

Of course my friends and I decided that would be an excellent Halloween outing.

We set a date for our excursion a few days before Halloween. Seven of us piled in close and headed west.

We followed the directions exactly as they were given and somehow we ended up all the way in Topeka. Whoops!

We tried a couple of days later, our crew a mere five. But five strong we were and using new directions, we ended up . . . in Topeka. Surely the directions were wrong!

We tried a new source, got totally different directions and tried again. This time, our crew had dwindled to a mere six members. But six strong we were!

We headed west in the dark, cold night. As we sped down Highway 40, we flipped through radio stations and babbled on about how crazy scary this was going to be. We came over the hill and right in front of us was a deer!!!

Brakes were slammed, heads turned and a collective sigh was breathed as we missed the deer. He stood his ground and stared at us. Perhaps he was warning us? Should we turn back?

No way! Onward and onward! With our new directions, we would find Stull and become true Ghostbusters!

Just one more turn, and we would be there. We turned and ended up . . . in Topeka??? Again???

Well, now we were just angry. We found someone who was actually from the state of Kansas and who might actually know the correct directions. And, dammit! If these weren't right, we were going to beat the crap outta somebody!

So, late into the night on October 30, we tried, yet again. We lost another of our crew; one less determined. But four strong we were and we sped west.

It was a dark and foggy night. We were forced to drive at very slow speeds. The fog swarmed around us like white wisps of ghosts.

It was terribly creepy and the further we went, the more ominous the vibes in the car.

The ghostly fog grew more and more opaque. We wondered if we would have to turn back.

But suddenly, we somehow ended up underneath the fog and in a town. As the ghosts hovered above us, we noticed we were driving beside a chain-link fence.

"Hey! Is that a tombstone?"

Could it be that we had finally arrived???

We found the gates and noticed a large sign that read "NO TRESSPASSING."

Nobody had told us about this! The whole part about criminal tresspassing!

We drove down the road and discussed what we were going to do. We didn't want to get hauled off to jail!

So, after all this work and finally reaching our destination, we turned back. No hanging out at the church for us. No searching for the stairway to hell.

We did prove, yet again, that nothing is scarier than the police!

Got a Woman C-O to Call Me a Copter

Lonely
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Last night I was chillin' in my crib when all hell broke loose, yo!

It's not rare to hear some sort of aircraft flying by my place. Wichita is full of aircraft companies: Cessna, Boeing, Raytheon, etc. We've dubbed ourselves the Air Capital.

Which makes it pretty funny that it costs a fortune to fly anywhere from here.

So when I heard a helicopter last night, at first it didn't really register as being unusual. But then I saw lights flashing in my window and realized that helicopter seemed to be hanging around for awhile.

I parted the blinds and took a looksee. I didn't see a ton of cops lining the streets or anything, but there was definitely a helicopter overhead shining a light all over my parking lot and the surrounding area.

I called up Raw and Casey to let them know if I was shot or taken hostage, it was up to them to inform people of my demise.

"I could be killed!"

Finally, a police car pulled up. One. A single policeman to protect me from whatever evil villain was lurking in the shadows???

The officer got out of his car, waved to the helicopter and ambled toward my building!!!

There were a couple of people sitting outside and I could tell the officer was approaching to talk to them. Casey was talking about how funny it was that Wichita had a "ghettocopter" and I told him to shhh!

"Why do I have to be quiet? They can't hear me!"

Little did Casey know I had him on super-crazy-loud speakerphone!

Actually, I was just having to work really hard to hear what was being said three stories below me with the wind blowing hard.

It was hard to hear most of what was being said, but I did make out "called to report someone was throwing rocks at windows."

What? That's it? We pulled out the ghettocopter for that???

What a waste of taxpayer money!

And so by the Way, I Thank You

Dena
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

I know I don't talk about her a lot but I really do heart Dena.

H A Double L O W Double E N

Marcus
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Halloween is coming and that means I need a new costume.

I've always been pretty lazy about my costumes. When I was a kid, I was a hobo like eight-thousand times. At least!

As an "adult" I've gone the lazy way by buying a cape and saying I was a vampire. Last year, I was a bank robber.

The year before that, I had to throw together a last-minute costume. I grabbed my "Happy New Year!" hat and headed out with Raw and Casey.

Everyone wrinkled their faces at me. They raised their eyebrows then finally some of them approached me.

"What are you supposed to be?" they asked.

"I'm confused!"

Yeah. They didn't get it, either.

And the Fans All Go Insane

Thunder
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Friday night, we got cheap tickets to the Wichita Thunder hockey game.

None of us knew much about hockey. In fact, everyone kept asking me about the rules.

"I told you this is my first hockey game! Why do you keep asking me all these questions?"

"Well, you're the one who watches all the sports."

At least I knew there were only three periods.

We knew enough to know that the Thunder played great and won big. We also knew enough to know that fighting is cool and it seems to be all the fans come to see.

Everytime someone even looked wrong at another guy, the whole crowd stood up and started cheering.

What was funnier was the collective "Awwww!" when they realized there wasn't going to be a fight.

Click here for more Thunder photos.

The G.I. Joe Kung Fu Grip

Aloha!
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

It has come to my attention that I am an idiot. I know you've all been aware of it for some time, but things come slowly when you're an idiot.

In the wee hours of Independence Day, I received a phone call from Casey. He talked for several minutes about blowing things up with fireworks.

Raw had recently purchased a camera phone and while Casey was chatting, they decided to try it out. "We're going to send you a picture. I'll call you right back."

So I patiently and sleepily waited for the picture to arrive. Once I saw it, I had to stare at it for awhile.

At first, I had no clue what it was. Then it started dawning on me when I saw the initials "EPT." They had just sent me a picture of two pregnancy tests!!!

I told you it takes us idiots longer!

What a way to find out your best friends are having a baby, huh? Damn technology!

When Casey called back, I answered with "What the hell is that???"

I was in disbelief. Raw and Casey always said they would never have children. It's not that they hate them or anything. The parent thing just didn't appeal to them.

Parents on both sides had been begging for grandchildren. So when they sent me the picture, I thought it was just some kind of joke.

"It's not a joke! It's not even funny! Why would we joke about it?"

And yet, still, it was hard for me to believe. For weeks, I was still only about 99% sure Raw was pregnant.

We talked for a long time that night. About how crazy and scary the situation was. What a surprise. How happy their parents would be.

"It's all their fault! We're not going to tell them! We won't give them the satisfaction!"

Like you can just hide Raw's expanding belly for nine months. As if they could raise a kid in secret.

So I've been keeping this relatively secret for awhile. Just in case they've forgotten to tell someone.

But, idiot that I am, I've been taking pictures of Raw's growing belly.

The secret's out. That's no beer belly, it's a baby!

Pass Up the Cops Blocked It

Casey
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

"When I win the lottery, I'm buying a Passat and a Commander."

"If I win the lottery, I'm going to buy the crotch rocket I want."

"I hate those things. Get a Harley. Crotch rockets look so stupid."

"I don't care if you hate them! I'm not getting it to look cool! I'm getting it because you won't see me because I just flew by you so fast pulling a wheelie!"

Well it's been a Long Time, too

Arrowhead in B&W
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

This weekend, my moms and pops took my brother and I to the KC for the OU vs KU football game. I wasn't spoiled at all, but what a weekend!

I forgot my hoodie, so I was pretty grumpy starting out, but, like my father, vacation mood soon set in and all was well.

The game was pretty terrible. My team won, but the play was sad on both sides.

Plus, the people sitting behind us were the most annoying people ever. Marcus and I were ready to rumble.

We watched some guy (I think it was David Ogron) set a new record for most golf balls hit in a minute.

After the game, we hung out with Doug and Kathy before we hit the sea of taillights to make our way back to the hotel.

The next day, we headed back to Clay Center and stopped in Lawrence and met up with Raw and Casey. This was the first time for my family and Casey to meet each other. As you can see from the picture below, they like him. A lot.

'Cause He Mixes it with Love

Evan
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

A woman came into the bank today with her daughter. She seemed like an energetic, yet well-behaved girl and sat where her mother told her.

I was talking to the mother when, from clear across the bank, the little girl hollered "MOM!"

"HEY MOM!"

"What?"

"I LOVE YOU!!!"

"I love you, too. Now, shhh, please!"

"She just wanted you to know in case you forgot in the two mintues you've been apart," I chuckled.

Soon thereafter, the little girl came running toward us. I gave her a sucker.

"Mom!" she breathed.

"Yes, you can have it, now."

"But I already had one!" Spoiled and dental cautious!

"Yes, you did, but that was at school. You can have this one, too."

"Is it a medicine one?"

A what? A medicine lollipop? Whatchoo talkin' bout, Willis?

"Yeah, they make suckers with medicine in them. It gets to the point where kids are begging for their medicine because it tastes good."

Boy, was I ever born in the wrong generation! These kids have Cadillac Escalade Power Wheels, no crust sandwiches, and medicine that tastes good.

Does this stuff work? I just have a hard time believing that if it doesn't make you gag, then it can't work right.

Sorry I Drank up all the Bacardi

Grumpy
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Sumo is my favorite restaurant. Ever.

The food is great, I like the atmosphere and I enjoy the show. I've seen the routine a billion times but I still enjoy it. It's kinda like Chuck-E-Cheese for grownups, but the food is good.

I have my favorite chef and my not-so-favorite chefs but no matter which I get, I always have a good time. I've never walked out of Sumo feeling bad. Too full, maybe, but not bad.

Well, there's a first time for everything.

Raw, Casey and I had reservations to eat at Sumo. Our reservations were scheduled at 8:30 and we arrived ten minutes early.

The place was packed. I had to wait twenty minutes just to let the hostess know we had arrived. Half an hour after that, we were finally seated.

I know, it seems crazy to wait even that long for a table. But Sumo is good stuff and it was getting late to find somewhere else to go. And the people seated with us had been waiting for two to three hours. Now, that's crazy!

Needless to say, the couple to our right and family to our left weren't the happiest of customers. But they were sucking it up and attempting to be quite pleasant.

We sat and ate our soup and salad while watching the chefs down beer after shot of sake after beer. The couple and the family exchanged nervous glances while they guessed which drunken chef would be throwing knives in front of them.

The table to our right was full of young and quite marinated friends. They erupted in whoops of delight when they saw a chef emerging with raw food.

The chef was my least favorite. He's this old guy who is always grumpy unless my mom is around. So they could have him. I'd gladly wait for another chef.

He stopped, basked in their applause, then informed him they were unlucky. He had to serve this other table. And pointed at my table. Apparently, we were the "lucky" ones.

Chef made his way to our table, put the food down and screamed "WASAABIIIIIIIIII!!!"

Then he began to make his rounds. See how in the picture, Chef is entertaining people at a table? That's how the evening went. That's not our table.

Chef proceeded to cook for us, while screaming in our faces. Most of the time, it was "wasabi" but other times, I couldn't quite make out what he was saying. Whenever he would slap another gob of margarine into the food, we were supposed to yell "Bam!" a la Emeril.

Because we weren't reacting the way the other tables were, Chef started getting grumpy at us. "C'mon! You want have fun?"

Then he started chastising us for not drinking. Even though some of us had drinks. Yes, he was drunk enough to not notice the color of liquid in my glass was dark. "You only drink water!!!"

When he discovered the couple to our right was drinking sake, he started trying to goad the man into drinking with him. "Maybe when we're done eating and you haven't killed us."

Ouch!

That's when chef turned into mean ol' Uncle Frank, drunk at Thanksgiving. "You don't want to have fun? You don't want to drink? No happy? Fine. I cook."

So he cooks the food and doesn't look up at us. Knowing the routine like I do, I tried to use it to get him interested in us again. As he put the zucchini and squash onto the grill, I said "Yellow banana green banana!!!"

"No, I just cook." Then he cut up the onion usually reserved to make a volcano.

Down went some more margarine. The kid tries the "Bam!" thing. Chef's reply?

"Yeah yeah yeah. Bam. Whatever."

This is when I got mad. I could handle everything up to this point. But when there's a kid at the table who has waited this long for the show, give him a show. Don't be a dick.

One of the waiters came over with a beer for Chef and he starts slurring at us about how that's his man! Then he turned into our angry drunk girlfriend and started flirting with all the other tables.

Did I mention we haven't gotten all our food yet?

When he finally comes back, he grumbles about how we're not fun. How in Wichita, people don't know how to have fun. But Chicago, Kansas City . . .those are fun cities.

The woman to our right actually apologized. "We're sorry! We're just hungry! We've been waiting for two and a half hours!"

You shouldn't have to apologize for waiting hours to be seated and then acting perfectly calm while your food is being prepared. You're paying for the meal, not insults! There's no need to apologize!

I'm sure we probably should have just gotten up and left. But we were hungry and the food was still good. Plus, we wouldn't have had the pleasure of watching the manager tell him with sign language to "Wrap it up and get over here!"

We went to the bowling alley across the way after dinner to hang out. When we came back for our cars, guess who came driving through. Yeah that's right--our pal, Chef.

"Hey! You guys all right?"

Casey approached his car while Raw and I shrank closer to the curb. "Yeah. You get in trouble?"

"No no no. Where you going now?"

Can you believe that? He tells us we're "no fun" and then wants to hang out with us???

We sent him on his way and then went ours. I told Raw and Casey to have a safe trip. "And watch out for drunk driving chefs!"


ps--Yes that is a red jumpsuit that girl is wearing. And yes she does have her foot up on her Mt. Dew-drinking boyfriend's lap. She's classy!

Baby, I got Your Money

Let's Pee on Aunt Bee!
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

"I got a check in the mail yesterday for $2,000-some dollars. Made out to me. I was running up and down the hallway, waving my hands just like those ninnies on 'The Price Is Right.' But it's not that simple."
The Mother of all Dilemmas
www.untitledlife.com

Hey, Mom and Dad, don't you have some sort of life insurance you'd like to cancel on me? I wouldn't mind a check hitting my mailbox!

My Heart's on Fire

I Heart Weekends
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

I may have a tendency to exaggerate.

I find a couple of spiders and tell everyone there were eight billion spiders running all over my face.

Someone cuts me off in traffic, I turn it into my life almost ended when some guy sideswiped me.

Allie, sweet and concerned BFF she is, always freaks out a little before she realizes I'm just up to my usual blowing things out of proportion.

The other day, I stood up from a crouch and my kneecap felt like it popped out of the socket. (I know, even that sounds like exaggeration, but it really did hurt!) "OW! I just busted my knee open!!!"

"Oh my gosh! Are you bleeding?"

As the day goes on, Allie becomes more keen to the fact that everything coming out of my mouth is probably another distortion.

My ankle popped really loud. "Oh man! I think I just snapped my ankle in half!"

"Oh yeah? Does that hurt as bad as busting your knee open?"

I've discovered I'm not the only one around that place with a penchant for exaggeration. I walked by Tammy's desk and heard "I have a brain tumor on my head! I do!"


ps--I know. My body is totally falling apart. And that's not an exaggeration.
pps--Did I tell you Allie doesn't know the song "Elvira?" And she claims she is a country music fan!

Yesterday is a Wrinkle on your Forehead

Jacque and Evan
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

So El Bambino is having quite a time adjusting to being out in the world.

It's gotta be tough being a newborn. They just been in the nice cozy womb where all they have to do is just hang around and do nothing.

Now kiddo has to have people poking and prodding at him all the time. There's so much to see and so much burping to do. It's tough.

So El Bambino has a permanent wrinkle in his forehead. Poor little guy.

Or maybe I'm mistaken. Maybe that's a Zoolander pose.

Maybe You Would Like to See my Web Page

Cijay
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

I'm a nerd in so many ways, it hurts.

I'm such a nerd, I even have an arch nerd enemy! Well, I did. Until I defeated her! To protect her defeated identity, let's just call her "Weirdo."

When I was in high school, I was in debate. I did not have a fabulous flair. My speaking style was pretty crappy, but I could punch holes in your arguments. I'm still bad at losing arguments.

In my second year, this girl suddenly started showing up at tournaments. Her name was Weirdo and she spoke too slowly and had terrible arguments. And she was winning.

Weirdo and I were pretty much opposites. She had a really brown-nosey, calm delivery. Mine was fast and mean.

Weirdo annoyed the crap out of everyone who had to face her. Especially me. Especially after she beat me. She beat me with that??

In the summer between my junior and senior years, I attended the Kansas Regents Honors Academy. Students from all over the state attended this month-long academy. I was the only person represented that year from my school and I knew very few people there.

But guess who one of the few I did know was. That's right . . . Weirdo.

Weirdo instantly attempted friendliness, but I just couldn't get around her fake demeanor. What was worse, we ended up in the same secondary course. Ugh.

Eventually, for this course, we had to give a speech. Weirdo actually asked me if I wanted help on mine. "I heard you were having trouble deciding on what to give your speech. Mine is all done. Do you need some help?

Now, you may think she was trying to be sweet and helpful. But if you could only see her face! Smug and condescending!

I'd show her!

I wrote up the best speech ever. I did it on the subject of streaking. You know, running around naked? I even had visual aides. God, it was beautiful!

Weirdo had to give her speech first and it was terrible! I'm not saying that out of spite, either. I've heard her give a decent speech. This had to be her worst work, ever.

Soon, it was my turn and I was great. I don't mean to brag, but really it was my best work, ever. I had everyone, including our beloved professor, laughing their heads off. You know I'm all about the laugh.

A few days later, a friend and I were walking past the laundry room and Weirdo was sitting there with her boyfriend.

"Oh hi! How have you been? I haven't seen you for a few days! What did you get on your speech?"

Out of fifty points, I had scored a forty-nine. But it's not something I really wanted to announce to everyone. In fact, I hadn't even told the friend I was with at the time.

I hesitated and Weirdo pressed on, "C'mon! I know you got your score. I got a forty-five! I was shocked! I thought I did bad. Yours couldn't have been much lower than mine."

You think I'm joking but she actually said these things!

"Yeah, I was surprised with my score, too. I got a forty-nine."

Her face fell and her boyfriend said "I knew you'd get a good score! You totally deserved it!"

Weirdo, quite stiffly, agreed. "Yeah. It was funny. Good job."

The next year, in debate, she faltered a lot during the two matches in which we debated against each other. I beat her both times.

Victory is totally sweet!

Eat Your Dirty Laundry

My New Favorite Shoes
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

Man, I hate doing laundry.

It probably wouldn't be such a big deal if I had a washer and dryer in the penthouse. Instead, I have to haul stuff down three fllights of stairs to the laundry room.

Even this isn't horrible, but then there's always the probability that there won't be a washer open, especially since there's only four each of washers and dryers.

So, tonight, I made the journey down. I waited until relatively late, thinking nobody else would be doing laundry. Well, i was wrong.

Not only are two (that's 50%) of the washers out of order, someone is hogging each of the dryers.

When my laundry was done washing, there was luckily one dryer open. One. To my two loads of wash. Argh.

So I put my one load into the dryer hoping someone would come to empty one of the dryers that aren't running but are still full!!!

I was wrong. I'm still waiting for another to empty.

Why can't people just get their clean laundry out in a relatively timely manner?

I hate doing laundry.

Chirp, Chirp, Chirp and a Couple of La-Di-Dahs

Eggs
Originally uploaded by YourAuntBee.

I like eggs. A lot. I'll eat them pretty much any way you can prepare them.

I eat a lot of eggs, too. They're cheap and easy to prepare. They really fit into my poor-ass lifestyle.

Sometimes when I'm frying eggs, they make funny noises. I don't know if there's air trapped underneath them, or what, but it's a little weird. Sometimes there's a weird whistling sound, other times it's just a poofing sound.

Today, I was frying up a couple of eggs and I heard a whistling sound. Then another. Pretty soon there was a whole lot of whistling happening.

It sounded like birds chirping.

Suddenly, my eggs didn't look quite so appetizing.