Breathe Deeply from this Envelope

Dear Heidi, Michael and Nina,

Please get rid of Suede. Aunt Bee does not like Suede. Aunt Bee wants to hit Suede in the face. Many times. Aunt Bee is irritated.

Heart,
Aunt Bee

ps That'll teach you to listen to Tim Gunn, Emily!!!

'Cos Nothing's Gonna Save You Now from the Devil's Eye!

This is my left eye.

This is my right eye. (Click to enlarge but not if freakishness makes you vomit.)

You'll forgive me for not posting much tonight, yes?

Click here for more views.

If You're Going to San Francisco

Last week, it was decided that I would go to San Francisco for my birthday.

Since then, I have been unable to think of anything else.

I have been scouring the internet, trying to decide what to do while I'm there. There's just too much! Raw will be my chaperone and we will be staying with Michael. I have been bombarding them with emails, text messages and phone calls.

I do have other things to tell you. I just can't get my brain to produce anything but SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO!!!!!!!

And hey hey hey kids! Step right up! Your favorite event is coming soon!

Poop Week isn't far away! Enter your poop stories by emailing me now!

auntbee (at) heartauntbee.com

Take a Look Around, Look What I Found

Things I found recently on the internet that made me feel good:

Lyle Lovett Sells Millions, Makes Nothing.

No, I'm not excited that Lovett hasn't made any money off sales. I'm sure he's getting screwed, and screwed hard. But he seems to be doing okay and that gives me ideas.

"The possibilities are very exciting, I think," Lovett told Billboard.com. "I've never made a dime from a record sale in the history of my record deal. I've been very happy with my sales, and certainly my audience has been very supportive. I make a living going out and playing shows."

If Lyle Lovett can be happy with the living he's making by playing shows, can't everyone? The music industry has to change.

I'm just saying this because I want iTunes to go subscription. I'd gladly pay a monthly fee to be able to download as much music as I want to. Make my dreams come true, people!

If I had a speaker at my high school graduation like Patton Oswalt, I mighta made something outta myself!

All of you have been given a harsh gift. It’s the same gift the graduating class of 1917, and 1938, and 1968 and now you guys got – the chance to enter adulthood when the world teeters on the rim of the sphincter of oblivion. You’re jumping into the deep end. You have no choice but to be exceptional.

Take a Look Around, Look What I Found

Things I found recently on the internet that made me feel bad:

Remember when I was complaining about how the ridiculous cattiness of girls never goes away?

It's so true. And insane.

Apparently, this is really old news, but there was an outbreak of silly junior high behavior on the US Women's Soccer Team.

Hope Solo was cranky after a loss in the World Cup. And she expressed her anger to a reporter.

What did her teammates do? I'm sure they said "Hey. Zip it. Suck it up and let's go. We've got another game to concentrate on."

Oh. No I guess I'm wrong. They did what any mature team would do and banned her from the third-place game. She wasn't even allowed to attend the medal ceremony. They wouldn't allow her to eat or even fly home with the team.

But the healing process hasn't been easy. Solo issued a formal public apology to Scurry and Ryan when she rejoined the team in St. Louis last October. But behind closed doors things only got worse. At a team meeting that Solo says had been billed as a first step forward, players took turns telling her how upset she'd made them. Solo wasn't allowed to play or train with the team during the tour, and only midfielder Carli Lloyd broke ranks to sit next to her on the bench, visit her in her room and join her for meals.

They banned her from the cool table at lunch! How much more juvenile can it get?

There is no hope for us, ladies!!!

Remember this couple?

Tyler Ziegel was in Iraq for the second time when he was incredibly disfigured in an attack by a suicide bomber. His fiancee, Renee, stayed with him until he was well enough to marry her.

The marriage didn't last a year.

“Nothing was ever really wrong. It just wasn’t right. Going into the marriage? I’d never been married before. I think we were okay. The wedding – it was so planned. There was this thing... ” He breaks off and gets up to retrieve the framed certificate. It’s from the state of Illinois declaring his wedding a state holiday. “To call something like that off...”

It sounds like they got caught up in the "You gotta get married!" machine. It's bad enough for regular folks, but can you imagine the pressure on these two?

Renee stuck in there longer than most young women would. Long enough that it surprised me that they dissolved their marriage so soon.

I guess it's not much different from a lot of marriages these days. Everyone seems to be so eager to rush in and then can't wait to get out.

Hey Miss Murder

Well, it's not every day that someone accuses you of murder.

Throw Your Keys in the Bowl

Radiohead is not just a band making brilliant music. They also consistently produce the best videos.

Yes, I also ended up getting the idea that they went a little "Hey look at our new toy!" overboard. But it's just beautiful.

And for all you uber-nerds, Google has all kinds of stuff about the how-to and you can even play around with it.

There Are Two Colours in My Head

Oh hey! Are you still here?

Thanks. Sorry about that. I've just been a bit . . . off lately.

And I should really make a big comeback, but I don't really have it in me today. I'll just let you in on a bit of conversation from yesterday.

"So I'm thirty in two months. I don't know what I want to do."

"Get a tattoo! I'm getting one when I turn thirty! A cupcake and an ice cream cone and some candy."

"Huh. Where?"

"On my stomach! Because that's where that shit goes!"

'Cos I'm Made Out of Glue

While we were in Kansas City, Raw's brother proposed to his girlfriend.

Jeremy and Robyn have been joined at the hip for awhile, so we weren't surprised. In fact, we were anticipating it. Every special occasion gave us the chance to wonder if Jeremy would give Robyn a ring.

"It's Christmas! What do you think Robyn will get?"

"It's their anniversary! They're going out for a nice dinner! I bet tonight's the night!"

I think he proposed while we were out of town for a reason. He didn't want us old ladies grilling him on the details.

They had only been engaged for a couple of weeks when Raw told me that Robyn already had a lot of details already planned. She had set the date and even had her dress already!

I was almost afraid that she was going to be one of those crazy wedding-is-my-only-focus bridezillas. And then I remembered she had just gotten a job teaching high school. Once August comes, she'll have no time for wedding planning. She's smart to get it out of the way now!

Today, I put in my two cents to the wedding fund by taking their engagement photos. They turned out pretty good for a first-timer, I guess.

Robyn got pretty nervous about one shot. She was sitting on a rock, facing me. "Can you see up my skirt?"

"Yep. I'm selling these shots to all your students!"

Jeremy and Robyn Are Engaged from Aunt Bee on Vimeo.

And a Bright Ideal

Happy Independence Day!

Don't blow off your fingers!

Little Girl Walkin' Down the Street

"I kinda hate cap sleeves. They're pointless. Just make it sleeveless."

"Oh I like them! They provide more coverage and top and there's still the airiness underneath!"