Poop Loser

No, the new brownness of the site is not in honor of "poop week" here at Heart, Aunt Bee.

Back when I started this ranting, I was looking around at other websites and noticed several that used labels, much the way that Flickr uses tags.

Basically, it's like writing something up and then telling the computer to "file that under family!"

You'll find all the labels listed at the end of the brown sidebar to your right. There aren't many there, now. And you'll only find the most recent posts, unless I decide to go through all the old ones and label them.

If every thing works right, though, you should be able to click on the label "family" and find all the posts I've written about family.

Or, for example, you could find the following under bj, family and poop:

When I was really young, a bunch of my family was hanging out at my grandma and grandpa's home. When it was time to go home, we were all lingering in the drive, saying goodbyes, as families do.

I was just minding my own business when suddenly I felt something really really warm hit me on top of the head.

I yelled at my uncle BJ, thinking he had thrown mud at me.

Now, really. BJ is pretty ridiculous, but who would throw mud at a kid?

It turned out, a bird been flying overhead and decided to poop right on my pretty head.

And that, my friends, is the end of poop week.

Please have a good Labor Day Weekend. But don't labor so hard you get hemorrhoids!

I swear, that was the real end of poop week. I just couldn't help myself.

And Drop My Good Side

I know, I know. I swore I had ended "poop week." But, it is still technically the same week. So I have another story.

And I didn't totally go back on my promise because this story isn't really about poop. But I was telling this to my mom tonight and she laughed a lot. And I said "Man! I should totally put this in Poop Week!"

I guess you can really thank my mom for this.

The other night, I was driving home pretty late through Old Town. There were people milling about on both sides of the street.

Always a safe and courteous driver, I made sure to pull far away from the curb, giving bar patrons a lot of room. I saw a man parked on his motorcycle with a crowd of people around him.

As I carefully drove by, I heard a giant roar and a flash. It turns out, it was just the guy starting his motor and the headlight coming on right as I passed.

But, at that moment, I could have sworn there was an explosion!

I told my mom, "It scared the crap out of me! Almost literally!"

ps--This story isn't really that funny. But I'm pretty sure a lot of the funny in my stories gets lost by the readers not being able to hear my voice. So, if you'll just imagine me flipping out, that should suffice until I can tell you all in person.

Took Some Time to Celebrate

Yes. It has been a long time since you've heard from me.

No. Poop week didn't completely take it out of me.

Last week, I took the week off from work. I scheduled the vacation way back in January and just within the last couple of months, I ended up scheduling all kinds of stuff during my holiday.

I had my calendar booked solid with weddings and taking care of Maizey and Milo and birthday dinners and lunches.

Oh and did I mention I had The Boy from Monday through Thursday? Kids are kinda hard to take care of, huh?

So it was a busy week and part of the time, I was without internet access. But I'm back and promise a post every day this week.

I can't guarantee quality, but there will definitely be something here.

Thank you for all of your birthday greetings. I appreciate them all. The countdown is on. Only three-hundred sixty-two days until my birthday!

Poop Week!

Evan's pretty good at the whole being potty-trained thing. He's just not so good at the going by himself.

So last weekend, when he announced that he needed to potty and didn't beg anyone to accompany him, Chris and Jacque were relieved. He returned, pantsless, which isn't unusual.

As Jacque repeatedly asked him to put his pants on, Evan ignored her and played with his toys. He sat there and played with this. He sat here and played with that.

And then Jacque realized Evan is not so good at the wiping thing.

Jacque grabbed Evan and took him to the bathroom to clean him up. She followed a poop trail all the way there.

As Jacque and Chris cleaned scrubbed the floor, Evan walked around pointing out spots they hadn't gotten to yet. "Poop! EW! Poop!"

When they finally finished scrubbing, Chris and Jacque went back to the living room to try to get in a bit of relaxation. Evan came in and did what he does. He was noisy and played with all his toys in as destructive ways as possible.

When he got to his tool set, he grabbed his hammer and started hitting Jacque in the foot with it. "Ew! Momma sock! Take off! Stinky!"

Nobody realized Evan had sat on his hammer.

Then Let it Go

I know Poop Week has been disappointing for some of you. But I never said I was going to show you pictures of poop. How about pictures of people with meat hair?

I'm having trouble thinking of a poop story to tell you today. My day and mood were ruined by one phone call.

I deal with a lot of irritating customers. They will yell. They can be dense. Most of my customers are quite pleasant. But there are those who are not.

But what's really disheartening is when a member of your team is downright bitchy for absolutely no reason. And for some reason, I really can't shake this one off. I think it's because I don't really know what happened.

You try to help a person out and they interrupt you and say things like. "Oh yes you WILL!" Then you realize the situation has suddenly spun out of control and you're not sure why because you've done the same thing probably a hundred times before. So then you try to remedy the situation by explaining what you were doing only to have your teammate continue to interrupt and berate you.

How do you feel?

Most people I know would just hit disconnect and go on their merry way. I took the high road (not to mention a very very deep breath) and finished what needed to be done. I then pleasantly asked her to have a nice day.

But what I really wanted to do was ask her to hold then take a flight to New Jersey then walk into her office and take a giant dump on her desk.

Wouldn't that be an awesome poop story?

If You're Going to San Francisco

Last week, it was decided that I would go to San Francisco for my birthday.

Since then, I have been unable to think of anything else.

I have been scouring the internet, trying to decide what to do while I'm there. There's just too much! Raw will be my chaperone and we will be staying with Michael. I have been bombarding them with emails, text messages and phone calls.

I do have other things to tell you. I just can't get my brain to produce anything but SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO!!!!!!!

And hey hey hey kids! Step right up! Your favorite event is coming soon!

Poop Week isn't far away! Enter your poop stories by emailing me now!

auntbee (at) heartauntbee.com

Poop Week!

Michael knows this guy through a friend.

"He poops his pants on a daily basis."

"What?"

"He poops his pants every day."

" . . . So like he has some sort of control problem?"

"Nope. This guy seems totally normal. He's not dirty or anything. He seems intelligent. He just poops his pants every day."

"So he's at like work and is all 'Oh sorry, boss! Pooped my pants again. I'll be back after I change?'"

"No. I guess he works in his garden and doesn't feel like going back inside. So he just poops his pants."

"Why would you tell someone? I don't think if I even accidentally pooped my pants, I would tell anyone!"

"I know! How does that even enter the conversation?"

"Right! 'Yeah, the restaurant was great. Oh and hey--I poop my pants every day."

"Haha! 'Hey, there's something I've been meaning to tell you! I poop my pants every day!'"

"Huh."

"Yeah."

"Why doesn't at least pull his pants down???"

So Don't Forget Just What You Are

Hey Kids! Remember how much fun Poop Week was?

I've decided to make it an annual event! Get ready for September second through the eighth!

Even a crappy girl like me can only have so many poop stories before it turns into "Today, I pooped."

Help me out! Send in your favorite poop stories. If I get too many, I'll be sure to save them for next year!

And don't say I didn't warn you Grandmere et Grandpere!

Poopship Destroyer

Since this has inadvertently turned into poop week, I figured I'd share another story.

This time, the names and places have been changed. The only identifying clue I will give you is that I was not the pooper!

Once upon a time, in a land called Cacaville, some little children were in the bathtub. It wasn't a giant bathtub, so the four kiddos were crammed in tight.

They splashed around, yelled at each other to "Move over!" and tried to figure out where to put their feet.

The oldest, positioned at the front of the group, looked down into the water and saw something floating. They didn't have toys, so what was it?

"There's POOP in the TUB!!!"

What happened next was a jumble of flying water and screaming as the children frantically scrambled to get out of the tub without touching the poo.

The mothers came flying into the room and one yelled "Penelope!!!"

The poor little pooper had given herself away by remaining in the tub, silent and pouting.

And now that I've finished my story, I have to say I'm a little disturbed about the whole cramming a bunch of kids in the tub bit.

Those mommas must have been lazy!

Poop Week!

I had a Ladies' Night Out with Raw and the girls on Saturday night. When we returned home, Sophia did all she could to put off bedtime.

Raw heard her on the stairs. "Sophia! Go to bed!"

"I have to go poopy!"

Sophia is still doing the potty-training thing, and you never want to discourage her from using the toilet.

A few minutes later, I hear her approaching the living room. "I poopy in the potty!"

She walks in, carrying her pot!

I'm laughing as I'm telling her good job, while Raw and Mary check the goods.

"That doesn't count as a poop! It's too little" Raw declared.

"You pooped a raisin!"

Poop Week!

So Marcus packed up and moved everyone to Lawrence a couple of months ago. His new pad has two--that's right--two bathrooms.

"So which bathroom do you poop in?"

"Oh I just go in whichever one is closest."

"What if you're right in the middle of the two? Which would you go to?"

Yes. This is exactly the kind of conversation I have with my brother.

No Me Llames Frijolero

This is Mickey Mantis. You can read his story by clicking here and moving through the set.

This morning, I was watching a show on The Discovery Channel about how all these different animals have lived through the years by disguising themselves as different things.

There were several praying manits species featured and I'm starting to wonder if maybe Mickey isn't a mantis after all. All the ones I saw on The Discovery Channel were bigger and thicker.

Can anyone tell me if this is a mantis?

There were several other creatures featured. There was a bug that looks just like a stick. There was a gecko that was totally flat and looked like moving tree bark.

And there was also . . . Oh Lord, help me! I wish I knew how to quit you, Poop Week!

There was also a caterpillar that disgused itself as bird poop!!!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's that time of year again, kids! The college football season has started and it's Poop Week!

I'm out of town, visiting family so I don't have time to sit and write a full story. But oh do I have some good stories coming up!

In the meantime, please enjoy my favorite poop story ever (above) and see what would happen if I actually pooped on porches (below).

Poop Week!

"That was a pungent diaper!"

"Yeah. They usually are."

"But it was a weird stinky. Like so bad it almost smelled good."

"What?"

"Kinda like something to eat."

" . . . "

" . . . It smelled savory."

Bounce it to the Gang

It's starting!

Raw came over to hang out with Jacque and me last night. Look at how happy they are to be together.

I'm trying to be a big girl about it. I even left them alone while I went to pick up dinner. I know. Already, I'm just the errand girl

Sophia and Evan even got along. Last time, they did some arguing and Sophia did some punching.

Of course, there was a little bit of all that this time around. But these days, when Sophia gets mad, she punches something inanimate. Like the cabinet. Or the floor. Or the ball. Or whatever happens to be around.

Evan thought it was funny and would start hitting whatever she was trying to destroy.. So she ended up forgetting she was ma. It ended up with the two of them just banging on stuff and laughing hysterically. Which was just as noisy as the fighting, but less scary.

If things continue like this, I might have a good porch story for Poop Week!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Seriously, Google, leave it alone! Poop week is long gone. It's seriously over.

Poop Week!

Do you remember Carpet Pooper? CP made for a pretty popular story last year.

Well, CP doesn't stop at carpets!

Carpet Pooper went on a trip awhile back. It was a quick, last-minute trip that required some late-night driving. CP drove to the destination and their traveling companion was going to drive back.

The trip up was uneventful. They had a good time and then it was time to turn around and go back home.

I received this text message at 1:30 in the morning as they were driving back:

I just had diarrhea so bad that it woke me out of a deep sleep. We had to pull over and I shit in someone's yard. I used socks for toilet paper."

Poop Week!

I went to Lawrence on Friday to hang out with Marcus, T-Biscuit and The Boy before the rest of the family showed up.

Marcus was working, so T-Biscuit and I ordered some Chinese food from down the street. Later that night, Casey and I had a text message conversation.

"Are you in Lawrence?"

"Yes. We had Jade Garden."

"Jade Garden will give you the shits."

"HAHA! Guess what I'm doing right now???"