Take a Look Around, Look What I've Found

Well, she may not have lost what she wanted, but I'm pretty sure she has lost her mind.

I Won't Be Happy until I Lose My Legs

I'm sick of everyone being "trapped in the wrong body." Who actually has the body they want?

It's Getting Harder and Harder

When I was in drivers' education, I had a goofy educator.

It seems all drivers' ed teachers are. It must be a requirement. Or they're the only people crazy enough to teach teenagers how to drive.

When the dreaded day of parallel parking came, I was pretty nervous. When you live in Kansas, the opportunity to parallel park doesn't present itself too often so I hadn't had much practice.

We met at the designated parking lot and saw two beater cars parked with a small space between them.

"We have to try to park there?" one of my driving companions asked.

Our teacher decided to show us how it was done and we all packed into the car with the yellow warning signs all over it.

We were half paying attention as he talked us through the motions. Then he hit the curb. And bumped the car behind us.

Good teachin' coach!

We didn't say a word back then. We didn't even laugh. Maybe he did it on purpose to ease our stress. The three of us were slow but flawless in our execution.

Since then,I think I have parallel parked twice. I mean really parallel parked. Where I've tried to cram myself in between two cars.

I'd rather walk a mile than try.

Which is why I've been very interested in the Lexus Advanced Parking Guidance System.

On the commercials, it looks like some super mega car that parks itself.

Which it does, but it turns out it's not as easy as it seems. There's a lot of instructions to give and did they mention you have to find a space six and a half feet longer than the car.

Well, maybe it's not the miracle car I had hoped for, but it's still pretty snazzy.

So who wants to buy me one?

Is it a Happy Ending or a Broken Heart

" . . . 'Where is Teddy?' Puppy barked."

"BARK BARK BARK!"

"'Have you looked under the bed?' Ugh. Maybe we'll just skip to the last page."

And Carjack an Ice Cream Truck

A couple of weeks ago, I saw a news story about a carjacking at a Dillon's in Wichita.

As the reporter stood in front of the store, I said to Jacque, "Hey I think that's the one by where I used to work!"

It turns out I was right, and I knew the security guard who got hit.

I was talking to Casey about it the next day. "That could've been me! I could've been robbed!"

"Nah. They'd look at your car and say 'Man I don't want no crappy Buick!'"

"But the car he jacked was a Buick!"

And Strut Around My Coop

This is what's going on outisde.

I'm supposed to go to Emporia to party with Raw and her family. And Sophia!

Can you imagine the battle going on in my head?

Cos I Turn to a Flower

I'm pretty easily amused. But this week, the silliest things made me laugh way more than they should have.

It all started on Monday.

I was downstairs at BJ and Doll's, playing some tennis on the Wii. Bret was staring at the other television, playing another console.

At one point, when I wasn't yelling at the "other team" I heard groaning coming from Bret's game.

"Diarrhea." Bret declared.

"What? Did you just say diarrhea?"

"Yeah. He's got diarrhea."

"What game are you playing?"

As most people in my family do, Bret mumbled a reply. I could've sworn I heard him right.

"Did you just say you were playing 'Name That Solid'?"

Bret looked at me like I was insane.

"I thought that's what you said. I was thinking 'But diarrhea isn't a solid!'"

We went out to dinner that night, and on the way back, Mitch, Bret and I were crammed into the back. I have no idea what they were talking about, but Mitch said "I smell purple."

"What? Did you just say you smell purple?"

This time, I heard right folks!

No, I have no idea where it came from. But Mitch had heard it somewhere and had repeated it to Bret for a laugh. And I laughed. More than was necessary.

Then I leaned in close to Mitch and tried to whisper.

I say I tried to whisper, because it was hard to get out the sentence when I was laughing at myself so much.

"You smell . . .You . . . You . . . You smell . . . You smell brrrrownnnn."

Take a Look Around, Look What I've Found

This is why I would rather just stay in all weekend.

If I'm Not Feeling Any Less Sour

I saw a bulletin on MySpace. There was a link to The Amazing Death Predictor.

I'm pretty sure you can figure out what it's all about. You give the predictor some information and it lets you know how you're going to die.

I decide to give it a try because look at all these fantastic deaths that were listed!

Jayden: At age 27 you will realize that you actually died three years earlier, and have been dreaming all the events since then.

Laura: At age 34 the artificial intelligence software you programmed becomes self aware and devours you. You will be saved to disk though, so no worries.

Kathryn Daye: At age 65 a statue will fall over and crush you while giving your acceptance speech for the position of Governor.

Stephanie: At age 75 a tiger will maul you. Don't ask why, but you will be in a Burmese jungle.

Casey: At age 48 you will die in a fiery golf-cart crash, alcohol will be involved.

After cancelling my trip to the Burmese jungles, I gave the predictor my information.

It didn't give me great news.

At age 37 you will die lonely and alone.

Man. Less than ten years left. I guess I better start living it up!

By the Lives that I have Loved

We usually get books at Christmas. This year, Mom Santa brought me three books.

One book was Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk.

Some of you may know Palahniuk as the author of the book behind Fight Club. A few of you may have read some of his other work and know him as an author who always manage to shock and gross out his readers.

Have you read this one, Raw? Because it's the worst of them. Really.

I haven't read them all, but I'm not usually too repulsed. I have a pretty strong stomach.

But a mere few pages into Haunted, and I'm shaking my head "No!" with my hand to my mouth.

I'll spare you the details. But I'll warn you it's gross!

Last night, I picked up the book to read a bit before I went to sleep. I usually read by the lamp, rather than the overhead light, so I flipped the switch and was pitched into darkness. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something glowing by my hip.

And I won't lie. I almost wet myself.

Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but my heart did stop.

It turns out the book glows in the dark. I just hadn't noticed because it always happened to be lying on its front or under another book.

But for a split second, I thought I had a Slimer in the penthome.

Take a Look Around, Look What I've Found

This entertained me, too!

Shake It All About

"What day is it?"

"Your face!"

"Oh yes. How could I forget?"

"Giggle!"

"Today is my face. Thank you for your help!"

"Tee-hee!"

"And here I was afraid today wasn't going to be my face!"

This is the kind of thing that entertained me today.

Oh and so did this:

The Neighbors Might Think

This is the view outside my window. It's freaking cold outside!

So I haven't left the house since I got home Friday night.

I haven't gotten a whole lot done. I'm doing a lot of kinda pretend cleaning.

I talked to Jacque yesterday. She tried to coax me outside. But I would have none of that!

I'd rather sit around and watch movies I've already seen.

I think she and Casey might be having secret talks together. That, or they just happen to sound just alike.

"It's been a long time since you've written anything."

Casey says this all the time, too. Like two days without a post is a big deal. It's been like nine months since Casey has gotten around to writing anything new.

Move Over Dad Cause I'm a Double Dipple

I bought a lottery ticket the other day. I've decided what I'm going to do if I win.

I'm going to travel the world riding roller coasters.

I'm pretty sure when I ride Eejanaika I will crap my pants on that first drop.

I love how everyone claps at the end.

I Ain't Getting Through, but Listen

Let me tell you why I'm not excited about Florida winning the championship bowl game.

Well, there's several reasons actually:
1. I hate Florida.
2. Stupid word games.
3. All the whining.

It seems like every year about this time, someone is crying about how they didn't make it to the championship game and they deserved to play.

This year, Boise State is the only unbeaten team in I-A college football. And a lot of people, including Coach Zabransky, were complaining about not getting to play for number one.

"We went 13-0 and beat everyone on our schedule," Zabransky said. "We deserve a chance at the national title."

I'm sorry. I'm as much for the underdogs as anyone (except when they're playing my favorite team), but you've got to compare the schedules. Sorry. I can't help but feel teams like Texas, LSU and Michigan weigh heavier.

Not that I was necessarily rooting for The Ohio State. I don't like them, either.

But having them finish undefeated would have quieted all the questioning of the BCS selection methods.

Oh well. I guess all the college football junkies need something to talk about until next season.

But while we're on the subject of football whining, why does Notre Dame always get to play in a BCS bowl? But wasn't it awesome to see them get creamed?

Sometimes You Gotta Fit In to Get In

So I had a pretty good Christmas. I scored a lot of good loot.

I piled all my opened presents under my mom and dad's Christmas tree so I could gaze upon them all day long. That's how much I liked my presents this year.

It was quite a pile, too. On top of my new grill/griddle, I piled shoes, knives, bath stuff, underwear . . .

That's right. I put my new Victoria's Secret 'Pink' underwear out for everyone to see. What's wrong with that? It's not like it was dirty.

At least I wasn't running around modeling it!

I went to several Christmas celebrations. You can see pictures of some here, here and here.

After all these get-togethers, my parents and I were worn out. We were very lazy the rest of the weekend.

One of these lazy days, my dad asked my mom if she had done any laundry.

"No. I told you I was going to do it tomorrow."

"Oh man! You mean I won't have any underwear for tomorrow?" He joked.

"No problem, Dad! I've got several pair you can choose from right there in that box under the tree!"

Take a Look Around, Look What I've Found

I miss Arrested Development.

I Don't Know What it is

My mom thinks I'm out to get her.

Somehow, I manage to take a lot of really bad pictures of her. And they are so funny.

I don't know how it happens. I like to take pictures when people aren't all posed. Which usually means the people in my pictures don't know I'm taking them.

My mom will be sitting there, being all cute and then somehow right as I snap the photo, her face contorts into scary mutations.

My mom is convinced I'm doing this on purpose.

Okay, I'll admit this: I've even admitted to her that I am guilty of taking a few pictures of her while she is sleeping. But it's been a long time since I've done so and those pictures really don't compare to the accidental bad pictures I've taken.

I've done all I can. I start feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of guilt. No matter how hard I try to convince her otherwise, my mom still thinks I'm evil.

It appears Jacque feels the same way.

Somehow, I always manage to ruin Jacque's meals. When I pick up Taco Shop, it always turns out that somehow, Jacque's meal is always short a burrito. One time, I made a peach dessert and out of the whole giant pan, Jacque got the one piece that had something hard in it. I don't know if it was a peach pit or what, but Jacque got it.

Tonight, I was hanging out with Jacque and Evan. Evan ate his dinner while Jacque and I took twenty minutes to decide what sounded good for our meal.

We finally decided on Taco Shop and I headed out the door to pick it up. "What do you want?"

"A number two."

"Numero dos? Mild? With a Dr. Pepper?"

"Yes, please."

"I am awesome! I always know exactly what you want!" I cheered myself as I walked to my car.

When I came back, I bragged about how I had even looked through the bag to make sure everything was there. As I dished out the food Jacque just looked at me funny.

"What? I even got more sauce! What? Oh . . ."

Turns out, even after going on about the numero dos I was going to order, I had ordered us both a number three.

No. I don't know what was going on in my brain.

But for the rest of the night, I had the same feeling. The same embarrassment and guilt that I feel when I try to explain to my mom that "I didn't mean to!"

Like the time Mom sent Marcus and I to Sonic to get pop for all of us. Somehow, I spilled Mom's Vanilla Coke in the car.

From Mom's reaction, you would have thought I took the cup and slammed it against the dash just to condemn her to a death by thirst.

And for two days, I felt bad. It ate at me. Just like I'm still feeling bad for making my mom go absolutely crazy about pictures.

When I was home for a weekend about a month ago, my dad and I were watching Nacho Libre. Mom had fallen asleep on the couch. Dad and I were laughing at the movie when I heard my mom murmur "Stop taking pictures of me!"

"What are you talking about?"

She lifted her head and looked around to see my camera resting on the television, far from my reach. "I thought you were taking pictures of me sleeping."

Great. I've driven my mother absolutely bonkers.

Take a Look Around, Look What I've Found

I found Achtung Baby! a few months ago and it quickly became my new favorite website.

I'm not really sure what's going on with it. The closest description I can find without sifting through all the archives is this:

The ambitions to dump various levels of creativity here are dimished by frustration with the large amount of old material I have to go through and put here. I would devote all weekend to it but tomorrow I'm going home for Rachel's wedding.

My favorite posts are the ones where he quotes song lyrics and posts a picture that seems to evoke the feeling. Like these:
Born to Lose
Falling Down
What Jail is Like

When I bought The Invisble Band I was visiting Raw and Casey in Lawrence. As soon as we walked in their door, I put in the CD and sat there, reading the lyrics.

Poor Raw had to sit there and listen to me. "Aw! Listen to this line!"

So I can understand where Achtung Baby! comes from. I like to share, too.

Take a Look Around, Look What I've Found

A hammock!!!

I Try

I have several resolutions this year, butthis is the one I have any hope of keeping.

And Our World is Almost Beautiful Again

This year, for New Year's Day, my family and I pretty much sat around doing nothing.

I took a shower and made panini with my new grill/griddle. And I packed up my car. But that's pretty much the only thing I did.

Last year, we did much the same. Lots of laziness. But last year ended with a bang. Or a crash, anyway.

While my parents were in the kitchen doing dishes, I was watching The 40 Year-Old Virgin with my grandma. (On a side note, I don't recommend watching that one with your grandparents.)

I was simultaneously laughing and cringing when I heard a crash from the kitchen. Then I think I might have heard a four-letter word and some shuffling around.

My dad came in after a few minutes and said "Guess I'd better take your mom to the emergency room."

Some of you know my dad. And if you do, you know that you can never quite believe him. So when he mentioned the emergency room, I thought he was joking.

Then my mom came in with a paper towel wrapped around her hand and a horrible look on her face. "Oh. You're serious?"

While Dad put his shoes on, Mom rocked back and forth. Then she lifted the paper towel to look at her hand. Her face went white and she headed to the bathroom. She managed to not get sick and Dad whisked her away.

Mamo and I sat there in a bit of shock. We really didn't have a good grasp on what had happened. What did I do when I recovered?

I took photos of the crime scene.

At least I finished the dishes!

This year seems to be starting out better for Mom. She managed to get through the day all in one piece and without bloodshed.

I'm hoping this is a good sign for me, as well.

I'm welcoming 2007 with great hopes. Not that 2006 didn't have some really good times, but there was several really low days for me, too.

With several good times already in store, I'm excited about the new year. I'm putting out the positive energy and ready to go!

Bring it on, 2007!

I'm crossing my fingers for all of you, too! Happy New Year!