To a Calypso Beat All the While

So it's been more than a little disturbing to me that more than a few of my hippie friends and acquaintances are all up on Ron Paul's nuts. As in: many of you actually WANT this looney to be president. And are WORKING to get him elected. So herebelow (is that a word?) are Michael's Top Ten Reasons NOT to Vote for Dr. No. Feel free to argue with me. AND THEN BE SHOT DOWN, BEE-YOTCH!

1. He's rabidly anti-choice. Which, of course, goes against that whole libertarian thing...
2. No more government health care. As in Medicare when you're old. And Medicaid when you're poor or otherwise down on your luck. Ahem, hippies!
3. Goodbye Department of Education! Who wants to go to college anyway?!?
4. Deportation of 10 to 20 MILLION people. Do you know how much goddamn money it would waste to hunt down, arrest, and deport even a quarter of these folks?!?
5. Goodbye Department of Transportation! I do hate driving, but how else am I gonna see starfish and the rest of the gang...
6. Goodbye EPA! Would you like to breathe the air in Pittsburg circa 1915? How 'bout drink the water from wells around Love Canal in the early 1970s? I love black lung! And drinking arsenic! Vote Dr. No!
7. Goodbye Social Security! Hello working until you're 95...
8. Guns, guns everywhere! Most of the morons who argue against gun control are from the hinterlands, where guns are used for hunting and little else. Fine. I'm from there and...whatever. But I've also lived in a few other places (North Oakland/South Berkeley) where a little bit of gun control would be appreciated.
9. Home schooling. Seriously: Do any of you know a home-schooled kid who is even REMOTELY normal?!?
10. No more foreign aid. You think that his stance against the Iraq war is motivated by the same morals you hold? Think again. Ol' Dr. No doesn't want ANY money going overseas--for good or evil/questionable purposes. So: No more fighting AIDS in Africa. Or family planning in Asia. Or providing farming aid to Central America. Granted, we've always tied strings to our foreign aid, and I'm by no means arguing that our moneys are always distributed properly and fairly (read: Israel). But come on, folks! Do you think we woulda conquered malaria in most parts of the world without the CDC? Reduced the global birthrate without USAID? Gimme a break...

So there you have it. I could probably write another 20 reasons to steer clear of Dr. No, but you get the point: RON PAUL IS A CRAZY PERSON! It's great that he's on the right side of the war and most civil liberties issues, but...that's really it. Go to his website. Read his stances on the issues. And then if you're not totally turned off, think about whether or not any of it would actually work. Or even get a hearing in Congress. Or be held up by the SCOTUS.

And with that, my friends, I leave you to the real choice of choosing among Clinton, Edwards, and Obama. If you put down the joint and actually even vote, that is...

When I Was Jazzercised

While I was home, we gave Dad some crap (pun intended) about never changing diapers.

Like most dudes, he's not a diaper guy. I mean, it's not like anyone really enjoys it. It just seems like it's usually a chick getting stuck with the duty.

I've changed enough diapers in the last couple of years that they don't bother me as much. But I still can't get used to the ones full of poo. I really really hate it and it always ends up a big mess as I'm hollering more than the kid.

So Mom always gets stuck changing the diapers. "Ew! You stink, kid! MOOOOOOOM!"

Once, during the weekend, we got stuck without Mom around. And The Boy definitely needed a change. He didn't seem to be cranky about it, so I took my time gathering the necessary supplies. This gave me some time to work up my courage.

You see, I had just picked a booger out of the kid's nose. It's not often that I'll do that, either. But it really big and making his whistle as he breathed. Plus, it looked pretty dry and I thought it would just kinda fall out with a little prompting.

I reached my pinky nail in there and dug that sucker out. Then I seriously almost threw up. The booger was even bigger than I thought and it was all wet on the other end. I don't know how something that giant even fit in that little nose.

I needed a little time to work up to more trauma.

While I was trudging around the house, Dad finally got tired of the smell and took The Boy to the other room and asked me to bring him the stuff.

I was speechless. Was Dad really going to change a diaper?

So of course, I grabbed my camera and snuck a picture before I went in to help.

He needed help, too. There was a lot of poo in there. He used about fifty wipes. I stood by and held the crappy diaper in one hand and handed him wipes with the other. It was like surgery or something. Except the request wasn't "Scalpel." It was "Hurry I need another wipe now!"

I kept waiting for him to ask me to sponge the sweat off his brow!

Why You Wanna Censor Me?

I haven't really mentioned my trip home for my three day weekend. I even forgot to upload the pictures until today.

It's not like the weekend was too terribly exciting. My grandparents were also visiting, so El Chico was terribly spoiled. Really, it was same ol' thang for him. Just with more people!

The Boy has this new toy. It's a caterpillar or something with a bunch of feet. Each foot is a different color and labeled with a letter. When you touch the foot, it will say the letter on the foot.

Marcus made sure I checked out all the available options. See, you can set this thing to say the words in Spanish and you can set it to say what color the foot is. I think there's a music setting, too. But the setting my brother and I enjoyed the most was the one that said what sound the letter makes.

We tried to make it say every dirty word we could think of, but apparently, the people over at Leap Frog were way ahead of us.

We tried to do boob. "Buh. Ooo. Tee hee hee! You're silly!"

We did find a few words that, while not really R-rated or anything, still made us laugh.

Butt, Fart from Aunt Bee on Vimeo.

Yeah. That's The Boy falling. You missed out on the thunk of head hitting ground and the resulting screaming.

I Sink So Low That I Even Blame the Clouds

I know it seems really silly but I really want to see this movie!

And Made Me Smile for More

Driving home tonight, Ace of Base came on the radio. And I got excited.

Does it make me cooler that I got more excited when GNR came on? I even sat in my car after I got home to listen to the whole song.

I'm obsessed with toile. Strangely so. Why didn't I think of embellishing it like Richard Saja?

I'm all for cute things looking like bees . . .

But dogs in bee costumes?

"What my husband done was wrong." That's right it was! Like La Parka, you always bring your own chair to the ring!

I guess people were creeped out enough by the Tom Cruise videos to make their own creepy anti-climatic videos.

See you on February 10!

Cold as Ice

Twenty-two years ago today, Challenger exploded in air.

The Texas Space Grant Consortium has a report of the chin of events leading up to the tragedy. I found this interesting mostly because there's not a lot I remember. I was in first grade and didn't have the internet to harvest for information.

What I do remember is my first-grade teacher, Mrs. Rickstrew, standing at the front of the class in her purple and white striped dress. She twisted her strand of pearls and announced she had something to tell us.

I can't even remember what she said. I don't even remember feeling anything. I was more concerned with the fact that Mrs. Rickstrew was going to break her strand of pearls with the way she was wringing them.

I wasn't even concerned with how difficult it must have been for her to break bad news to her students. It's not like she was saying "No recess today!" In fact, we carried on our day and played at recess, too absorbed with "who likes who" to be concerned with something that happened so far away. To people we didn't know. To people who weren't us.

This weekend, I saw Cloverfield. It wasn't until after I watched the movie that I noticed outcry over it being "too soon" so see such imagery onscreen.

I don't think I'm going to spoil the movie for anyone here. What I'm talking about has been online for at least nine months. This YouTube clip has, anyway:

It's not that I didn't notice. As I watched the movie and saw New York on fire, papers and ashes flying through the air, a collapsing building and the resulting dust cloud, I naturally associated it with the events of September 11, 2001. But it didn't affect me enough to keep me from enjoying the movie. I didn't even contemplate it much, either, until I saw discussions like these.

I'm not even sure what I'm getting at. I guess I'm feeling like
1. I don't have the empathy I sometimes fancy I do. I have a icy cold heart.
And 2. Do I remember the weirdest details or what?

Strike a Pose

Vogue from Aunt Bee on Vimeo.

How's this for a post, Anonymous?

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Dear Nickeoldeon,

Please quit showing Spongebob marathons on my days off.

It's not that I don't like Spongebob. On the contrary, I've been on the Spongebob boat since the first time I saw it. It's just that I'm also a big fan of the Yo Gabba Gabba!

Today, The Boy and I were sitting here, so excited to watch Gabba together again. Instead, just like on every holiday, we're watching Spongebob over and over again. How disappointing!

I don't mind the marathon, just wait until after Gabba.

Thank you for your consideration.

Heart,
Aunt Bee

Good Times, and Faces that Remind Me

I've been doing a lot of getting together with people lately.

As many of you know from experience, I'm not a great communicator. I mean, I can talk and all . . . I'm just not good at keeping in touch. I don't call. I don't write. I'm a jerk.

But somehow, the last couple of weeks seem to be full of reuiniting.

Tonight, I got to hang out for like five minuteswith my friend from back home, Jennifer. We haven't seen each other in over five years.

Jen was my anchor when I lived in Lawrence. We started the college experience together, as roommates. It didn't take long for us to make other friends and start hanging out with separate crowds.

But Jen was always just a phone call away. Like when my car wouldn't start. Or when it was Winter Break and we were the only souls left in Lawrence. Or when she needed someone to go to traffic court with her.

I raced east to fit in a quick bite with Jen and her friend Holly. They were going to the seven o'clock movie, so by the time I made my way through traffic, we had like five minutes to hang out.

Holly is a hair stylist and asked me where I get my hair did and offered to give me her card. It was a tempting offer--she works at a place called The Bee Hive!--but I'd never cheat on Tonya!

Tonya was the first on my reunion list. I took her to Sumo for birthday sushi. I was only about a month late on that dinner . . .

About a week after her birthday dinner, Tonya sent me a text message. "Do you want to come in for a cut on Saturday?"

I laughed and replied. "Are you implying I need a cut?"

I did. I'm horrible about keeping up with my hair. I know it drives Tonya crazy. But she managed to salvage some hair and gave me an awesome cut. It's pretty short and I still feel kinda naked, but I love it.

It's too bad I waited so long. I could've been totally hot for the second birthday celebration at Sumo I attended. Nadia was turning fifty and gathered a bunch of people together to sing to her.

I was pretty nervous because I hadn't seen many of these people in quite some time. And it's not even my fault! I had actually made an effort with most of them. Well, for longer than I normally put effort into things. Payback, right?

I ended up having a pretty good time. I arrived early and headed back to the bar to calm my nerves. Chad and Chris were already at a table. I pulled Chris up to the bar with me. I told the bartender that I wanted a Black Russian. "And she needs a menu because she'll have something girly."

And she did. Chris ordered a Madame Butterfly and a Panty Dropper for Chad.

The party eventually made its way over to the tables. I ended up by the birthday girl. The waiter introduced himself as Todd and said "I'm great, thanks!"

Nadia and I turned to each other with the same thought. "Did anyone ask him?"

"No," She answered. "Does anyone care?"

Allie was there with her boyfriend, Bryan. This was really quite a miracle.

Why? Well, it's not often that Allie has a boyfriend. It's not that she doesn't like boys. She loves boys! Allie's just not a relationship kind of girl.

Yet, somehow Bryan and Allie have been an item for around eight months. It's seriously a world record for her!

This was my first time meeting Bryan and I can see why he's lasted. He's very smiley and super friendly, just like Allie. And he has firm buns.

How do I know? I grabbed them. I know. I'm embarrassed. I guess I calmed my nerves too much.

Tasha sat beside me, too. She didn't bring her boyfriend, Gabe. I guess she didn't want me to molest him.

At the end of the night, Tasha was loading a box with food to bring to Gabe. We gave her the leftover sushi to throw in. Gabe was going to have quite a snack!

A few days later, Tasha sent out a text message. "I'M ENGAGED!!!"

I congratulated her and told her that it was all because of the sushi.

Hey--after ruining an engagement, I'm going to jump at the chance to say I helped with one!

At Times Like This, It's Obvious

"What was that teen magazine that was cool back in the day?"

"Uh . . . Teen?"

And Made Me Smile for More

I don't know why this hit me like it did.
We alone decide how our talents are bestowed upon the world. This is our destiny and we hold it in the palm of our hands.

Yesterday, I got my first issue of Paste and it is awesome! It comes with a CD! With Radiohead!

I've never been a big fan of, or really ever paid much attention to Katie Holmes. But even I can tell she's turning into a freak.

And this is why.*

*Don't watch this if you're susceptible to hypnotism. Seriously. Could they repeat that song just one more time? Oh and if you like your videos to make sense, don't watch it. I still don't understand what the hell he's talking about. And don't watch it unless you really want a headache.

They're Holding Me Ransom

I'd like to start by saying I'm extra crabby today and have always enjoyed using Amazon in the past.

I've ordered items from Amazon for years. Even back when all they were was a giant bookstore!

One of the best things about Amazon is the "Super Saver Shipping." Spend at least twenty five bucks, and they'll ship your crap for free.

It's also one of the worst parts. Since it's free, they usually take an extra-long time shipping your order. I haven't really felt the extra time was that big of a deal. Usually it's crap I don't need right away and the shipping still seems pretty quick.

The problem I usually have with the Super Saver is the fact that "Hey! For just ten bucks more, I could have this other book and then qualify for free shipping!"

Because otherwise, shipping would only be like $3.99.

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself with an Amazon gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket. On the sixth, I ordered four books. I selected Super Saver Shipping and also asked to have the items grouped into as few packages as possible. Both these choices ensured my shipping would be free.

A few days later, I checked to see if my order had been shipped yet. I was surprised to see that one of the books wasn't actually coming out until June.

I didn't feel like it was a big deal. I ordered a lot of Christmas presents from Amazon. If one thing wasn't available, they still shipped everything else that was in stock.

Soon after, I got an email with the subject "Your Amazon Order Has Shipped!"

I took a look and saw that they had only shipped one book. Strange, indeed.

Turns out, Amazon was only going to send one book and then the other three would ship in June. No matter that two of the three remaining books are showing in stock.

June! Six months from now! Is that not silly?

So I sent an email to Customer Service. I was quite nice, as well as quite bewildered. How is it they could manage to send one book but not three?

I guess I expected to hear back with something along the lines of "Yeah that is pretty silly! Let us fix that for you!"

I woke up cranky today and never really got over it because it seems everyone else hated Monday, too. When I got home, I had a package from Amazon. I was pretty sure everything was going to turn out okay. The packing slip had a little message that said "We've sent this part of your order to ensure quicker service. The other items will ship separately at no additional shipping cost."

But then I opened my email from "Dave" at Amazon.

The email basically told me about how this was all my fault for not only daring to use Super Saver Shipping, but I was also stupid enough to group the items into as few packages as possible.

I'm surprised it didn't say "Hey Stupid! Sign up and start paying for Amazon Prime and this kind of stuff wouldn't happen!"

But no where did "Dave" explain why they sent one book. So I picked up the phone.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who will cuss someone else out on the phone. I probably would have had I spoken to "Dave." But I knew it wasn't Joseph's fault.

So I just rambled like a lunatic instead.

Luckily Joseph was a little more understanding, and I should be reading Alice in a couple of weeks.

I figure if I haven't managed to read it in twenty-nine years, a few more days isn't a big deal.

Take One Step in Front of Me

I wasn't feeling particularly perky today and I think maybe I affected my co-workers.

I started to walk into our building and saw someone coming out. So I stood by the door and waited.

The lady was in a hurry and probably a little freaked out that I was just standing there. She was kinda just flying by and just as I went to reach for the door, I watched her miss the one step to the sidewalk.

*WHAM!* Down she went!

I'm not a total jerk. I tried to reach for her. It just all happened so fast.

I didn't really want to leave her, either. But she told me she was okay and limped off.

I went inside and told one of my neighbors what had happened.

"Is she still out there?"

Yeah! I'm so cold and heartless that I stepped over her moaning body to get inside!

About an hour later, I heard a commotion and looked up. Everyone else was looking around, too but otherwise, I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Except that chair. What was that chair doing over there?

Then I saw my neighbor's head peeking around. He was quite red in the face.

I guess when he sat down, he kinda missed his chair and it flew down the aisle. He fell flat on his bum.

I couldn't help feeling I had a poltergeist around me that was shoving people around.

PS--I am really a jerk because I'm telling you this. But when the lady fell down in front of me, this is pretty much what her reaction was--except more embarrassed:

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Dear Blonde LSU Cheerleader,

If you think you might have a close-up on a national broadcast, you might want to touch up those roots.

Congrats on the win!

Heart,
Aunt Bee

PS--I know. As I write this, you haven't officially won, but your team is up by fourteen in the fourth and you just recovered a big fumble. Oh and I hate The Ohio State University.

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Dear Mother Nature,

I'm really sorry for the abomination I made with your lovely creations.

It's just that I thought that recipe for Apple Cider Pie with a Cheddar Cheese crust looked lovely! How could I have known everything would have gone so wrong?

Please forgive me.

Heart,
Aunt Bee

It May Look Bad, but I Don't See It that Way

I tend to celebrate Christmas much the way I do my birthday--eight thousand times.

My first Christmas celebration this year was in Missouri on December 23.

I watched the weather forecast all week and was afraid I'd be driving in a storm if I left Friday night, so I decided to leave early on Saturday morning. This, of course, ended up being the wrong decision. I ended up driving most of the five hours in either snow, ice, slush or rain.

And yet I still beat my parents.

It was an enjoyable twenty-four hours. I got in some shopping and a lot of talking. I even managed to do a little listening.

Grandpa has scanned a bunch of old family photographs and we looked through them. He told me stories about people I've never known. I'd never seen photographs of most of the people until that day.

He pulled up a picture of three children. Although my great-grandmother had labeled each with an initial (R., H. and W.), Poppy couldn't remember who they were.

"Oh I know!" I said. "That's Robert, Henrietta and Winifred!"

"I remember, now!"

I turned around to look at Grandma. We both agreed that I must be psychic and knew the names.

Poppy brought down our excitement with one word. "No."

He then went on to explain how these children were related to him. Then he told us their names.

"This is Robert . . ." My hands shot high in the air. I knew I was right!

" . . . and Hazel . . ." And back down my hands went.

" . . . and this one is Winifred."

Yes! Two out of three! We all were amazed by my brilliance. I'm the next John Edward!

Sitting with us in the den were the gifts Poppy had made for the great grandchildren. There was a line of wooden elephant pull-toys, each with a name painted on the side. I didn't see my name on any of them.

So of course I complained. Loudly. Like the big baby I am.

"You're not one of the great-grandchildren."

"Yes I am!"

"Well, not one of Grandpa's great-grandchildren."

"But I'm a grandchild who is great!"

I thought my reasoning was quite sound.

The next morning, I was ready to open presents and had trouble gathering everyone. "Where's Mom?"

"Putting her face on."

Couldn't she have done that before I got up?

"Where's Poppy?"

"I think he went out to his workshop for a bit."

Now why would he be out there when he could be in the house, spending time with me? And more importantly, watching me open presents?

"Where's Dad?"

"Helping Grandma with breakfast."

Come on people! There are presents to open!

Finally everyone came around and we got to the best present.

You see, last time I was in Springfield, my aunt's husband, Coy made us pancakes. They were quite tasty and even healthy; full of berries and flaxseed and whole wheat. But they looked scary. For some reason, they didn't come out round and looked more like he threw the batter onto the wall to cook.

So for Christmas, Coy got a pancake mold. Now his pancakes can be perfectly round as well as perfectly delicious!

Oh come on. It's not that bad of a present! It was definitely a surprise and it's useful!

And it's the thought that counts, right?

And I Don't Feel Any Different

Hey I told you I'd be worthless in December!

I've had an incredibly busy and mostly delightful holiday season. I'll share all about it later. But today, I'm too tired from celebrating the New Year at Exploration Place.

For those of you who made this season special for me, and you know who you are, your thank you cards will arrive. Eventually.

I hope your holiday season was grand and wish you all a good 2008!

And Made Me Smile for More

Apparently, these are all done by request.

Fail is funny!

I, too, always wondered what was so bad about waterboarding. I mean, can't you just hold your breath? I'm glad someone else tried it for me.

My iPod is worn out from listening to a ton of Brandi Carlile. It's annoying that she's practically the soundtrack to Grey's Anatomy but I'm obsessed with this song:

When I'm not listening to Carlile, I'm listening to The Sounds.

Happy International Year of the Potato!