Here in the Songs I Sing

My first day at my new job is growing near, so I'm letting the customers who love me know I'll be leaving soon.

The few who love me.

Believe it or not, there are a few who will wait and wait until I am able to help them. Even wilder, they're the crankiest customers! You'd think our like attitudes would clash big time!

I figured I had better let them know that in a couple of weeks, I won't be around anymore. They'd have to get to know my co-workers.

Today, two of my customers came to the bank. The first couple took it hard, but were genuinely happy for me. The second, I knew would be much more difficult.

"I have something to tell you . . . I got a promotion, so I won't be in the banking center anymore."

"Oh, no. What will I do?"

No, really. She said this.

"Well, Dena will still be here. And Marques would be happy to help you. Would you like me to introduce you?"

"No, no. I think we've met . . ." She dug around in her purse and pulled out her money envelope. "Autograph this for me."

I assumed she wanted my name and number or something. But, knowing I would no longer be able to help her with general banking issues, I was unsure what to do.

"I'm not sure what you want me to write."

"Just your name and if you want to write something . . . Then if you get famous, I'll have this."

If?

Cause These are the Rules for Us

New rule:

If your license plate says "ZOOOOOM" or anything else related to being fast, you must go faster than 20 miles per hour under the speed limit!!!

I'm Listening Now

What you don't want to hear as you walk out your door and find two guys sitting on your stoop:

". . . but I'm not a criminal!"

"Yes you are!"

"No! I'm not a criminal!"

And I Hope that You are Having the Time of Your Life

Oh! What a year it has been! Oh! How fast the time has flown.

It's amazing to see how much you've changed. Sometimes I look at you, and can't believe you're the same baby that came home from the hospital. You're so big! And so rambunctious! Like your mom said the other day "He's such a boy!"

You're always trying to get into everything to figure out how it works. You know that you can only play with my camera when the lens cap is on, and have figured out how to put on the cap yourself.

For your birthday, I got you the Bee Bop Band. It's a drum filled with different bug-themed musical instruments, complete with drumsticks. You were happy with banging on the drum for awhile, but soon you were putting the toys back in and closing the lid. Then you'd take it all back out so you could fit them inside again. It wasn't really the reason I bought it for you . . .

I bought it for you not only because it was "bee" related, but because I thought you'd enjoy making your own music, since you love it so much. You have been dancing forever and love it when your mom and I have dance party. When you're grumpy, I will start up the mp3 player on my phone and let you play with it. It always brings a smile to your face. Your favorite song lately is "Crazy" byGnarls Barkley. When that song comes on, you stop what you're doing, throw up your arms and get serious about jamming.

A year ago, I never would have thought I could be so entertained by a baby. But you continue to surprise me and make me laugh. I can spend hours with you and never be bored, and you aren't even talking yet!

Happy Birthday, Evan!

By Someone as Wonderful as You

I don't think Joi wants me to leave.

And You Smell Like One, Too!

This post is last in a series of four. If you haven't started at the beginning, please click here.

Since I haven't had a birthday celebration with my grandparents, I'm counting everything through this weekend as part of my big day.

So that means when I got a phone call on Friday, it was still my birthday.

I got a phone call from my company's internal staffing. "I don't know if you've heard about this job, but your name has been mentioned as someone who would be a great fit."

I was surprised and flattered. I had no idea anyone had mentioned my name to anyone. I hadn't even been looking at other positions.

I interviewed for the position on Monday.

Today, they offered me the job.

Not only did they offer me the job, I would be getting a big raise, more vacation time and no Saturdays!!!

How could I turn that down?

I am feeling bad about it, though. I'll miss my banking center. I've been there long enough that I've gotten very comfortable. I know how to do my job. I know the customers and they know me.

With this new position, I won't have any of that. I'll be the new kid all over again.

I'll miss the people I work with. Even worse, they'll miss me!

We're pretty short, too. So it's a really bad time for me to be leaving the branch.

But it seems to never be a good time to leave. We're always short or something big is coming up.

I just felt like I couldn't pass on this. I'm nervous, sad and excited all at the same time.

And I'm still so surprised I was mentioned, let alone got the job!

I guess what I'm trying to say with this four-part borefest is that I've had a really good birthday this year.

Finally!

You Look Like a Monkey

This post is part three in a series of four. If you haven't started from the beginning, please click here.

I am the queen of drawing my birthday out over weeks and even months.

Every year, I start talking about it months in advance. I make plans and ensure there are several different celebrations. I even had seven cakes one year!

This year was no exception. While I only had one cake, I did start planning early and continued celebrating well after the big day.

Last weekend, I headed up to the KC/Lawrence area so my pals up there could celebrate my birthday.

The peak of the weekend was the Tool concert.

Tool was the first concert I had ever been to without my parents. It was awesome and nothing has ever really compared.

This time around, it seemed like maybe both the band and I had matured. I wasn't on the floor, so I wasn't risking my bones by shoving my way to the front. Maynard wasn't wearing a mask. He did pull out a cowboy hat, though . . .

After the show, Marcus, Raw, Casey and I headed to Westport to meet my cousin, Allison and her friends. In honor of my birthday, my brother drank Black Russians with me.

Since I was sitting at the bar, I became the official "drink orderer" for my crew. I was doing pretty well until Allison came up and asked me to get her a gin and Diet Coke.

"Gin and Diet Coke???" I wailed. "GROSS!!! I mean, gin and juice or maybe gin and tonic but Diet Coke???"

"I don't like regular Coke."

"Okay," I tried to reason. "That's fine. But who mixes gin with cola???"

She shrugged and I told the bartender what she wanted. His face screwed up and I held up my hands as if to say "Hey I tried to tell her she was crazy!"

Allison turned to see him pouring the drink and shouted "No no no! JIM and Diet Coke!"

You Live in a Zoo

This post is second in a series of four. If you haven't read the first, please click here.

This year, for my birthday, a bunch of us got together and ate at Sumo.

Unfortunately, I did so much talking, I missed out on most of the show. And even a lot of the food.

But it was a good time. And I even got to go dancing afterwards!

But the best part by far happened before the whole group got together.

Nadia and Raymond picked Jacque and me up. We stopped at a bar before we headed to Sumo.

Jacque was just talking about how unlucky she is when some guy walked up to us with a drunk-lookin' girl. "Want to win K-State tickets?"

We had to play some game where the guy would ask us if little bits of trivia were fact or fiction. If we got it right, we got to peel a label off the chick's body and we won whatever was printed on the underside of the label.

Raymond guessed wrong and Nadia peeled off a blank label. Losers!

"A group of crows is called a murder."

"Fact!" I exclaimed.

I was right, of course and won a Miller Lite cup.

When Jacque got hers right, she grabbed a label right off the drunk chick's thigh. I started cheering.

Little Miss Unlucky had just won the tickets!

Happy Birthday to You

This post is part one in a series of four. Better get out your comfy chair!

For the last few years, my birthdays have tended to suck.

I've been sick, others have been sick, my car has blown up, hurricanes have blown through . . . There's been a little bit of everything.

I know. A birthday is just any other day. But I've always been quite partial to mine. It's the one day that even complete strangers will give me a smile and a kind word.

And it's an excuse to party!

Most people you ask will say their last great birthday was their twenty-first. Mine was lame. It was on a Sunday and none of my friends were old enough to go to the bars with me. Boo!

So my last great birthday was my twentieth.

I turned the big two-zero on a Saturday after just getting settled into my apartment. I had tickets to the Jayhawk Music Fest and friends were visiting from out of town.

So of course, we had a party. Old friends, new friends all mingled in a beautiful mix.

I mean, can't you tell from the picture that it was a blast?

It really was. We even locked ourselves in the bathroom for awhile.

It sounds weird, but that's how I roll. And I had an awesome time.

Until I found out Catie and Jen had eaten my Gumby's pepperoni rolls.

Kept as Your Baby Machine

Speaking of babies, check out the eight thousand puppies poor Maizey squirted out this weekend.

Take a Look Around, Look What I've Found

So while I was looking for a link to Pop Tarts, the number two Google was this.

You Know it's Just Beginning

Today, Sophia had her first "getting kicked out" experience.

This time it was just daycare. Next it will be kindergarten. Private school. Public school. Military school. Ice cream shops. Bars.

Oh the times to come!

I spent a lot of time with her this weekend and found Sophia to be quite charming. She easily entertained herself and the rest of us.

Apparently, her daycare provider decided Sophia was needy. But aren't all babies? It's not like they pop out knowing how to stick a Pop Tart in the toaster.

Sitting at the Bar in our Favorite Cafe

By the time I got to Raw and Casey's home tonight, they had already eaten. So around 9:30PM, my poor tummy started rumbling.

For some reason, I was craving Burrito King. Much to the horror of Raw and Casey. "You'll have diarrhea tomorrow!"

My first year in Lawrence, I ate a lot of Burrito King. It really wasn't anything special except for the hot sauce. Really, I think that was my favorite part. I always got rice burritos and extra sauce because it reminded me of Raw's family's chile.

Raw, on the other hand, found Burrito King to be disgusting. And even the burning heat of the sauce couldn't make up for the crappy burritos in her mind.

But, tonight, she was going to go along with me. She and I were going to quickly go through the drive-thru and pick up a burrito and some nachos.

As we approached, she told me about walking by once and seeing a roach scurry around outside Burrito King. That ruined it for me. No Burrito King for me.

So we decided to go to Qdoba instead. Qdoba just happens to be right on Mass Street, the heart of Downtown Larence. It sits right across from my favorite bar, The Replay.

So of course, I said "Let's have a drink!"

And then we laughed maniacally, thinking about poor Casey left at home.

We figured we'd save time by not crossing the street and instead hitting the bar next door to Qdoba, The Jackpot.

We took pictures of each other drinking, so Casey could see them after the weekend in my Flickr sets. "You're not allowed to say anything!" I told Raw, knowing how horrible they are at keeping secrets from each other. "You aren't even allowed to laugh!"

One drink turned into two and then guess who called.

"Where are you guys?"

"Um, Raw was talking about roaches and I just couldn't eat Burrito King. So we've been driving around, trying to decide what to eat. We're at Qdoba, now. What do you want?"

He then proceeded to ask all kinds of questions about what was on the menu, while Raw giggled hysterically. "It's really busy so we're not up to where I can see the menu, yet."

We told Casey we would get him queso and chips and would see him soon. I was proud of what a great actress I was, but knew we had to hurry. We chugged the rest of our drinks.

Laughing at how clever we are, we walked next door to Qdoba and were surprised to find the doors locked. "I thought they were open until three!"

BUSTED!

This is My Message to You-ou-ou

Three things that drove me insane today:

1. I watched my first episode of "Million Dollar Listing" on Bravo today. One of the guys selling his house is leaving the country because he doesn't like the government. As a gay man. He decided that, after the presidency was stolen for a second time, he just can't stay here. So he's moving to Mexico??

2. They let Angela and Vincent come back on Project Runway.

3. The guy speeding down Kellogg and then gunning through "stop and go" traffic in his giant SUV with a personalized tag of USA911.

Guess I Assumed too Much

I keep seeing commercials for the ABC mini-series, "The Path to 9/11." It makes me angry every time I see a commercial.

I usually see the version where they have Osama Bin Laden in sight and are ready to send a missle his way. This is in reference to a specific time the Clinton administration "failed" to get rid of Bin Laden.

Now, let's sit here and think about what would have happened if we had "bombed the hell outta him" as some people say we should have: The world would be pissed off at our country and think we are a bunch of dicks. Gas prices would soar. The economy would suffer.

Oh wait . . . Kinda like when we bombed the hell outta Afghanistan!

Even if we had done something about Bin Laden at that moment, or any other moment, I don't think we would have prevented anything. There's always another terrorist waiting to pick up where the other left off.

Which doesn't mean we shouldn't try to defeat terrorism somehow. I just don't think we could have prevented 9/11 unless we knew of specific threats.

Oh wait . . .

Or Is That What I Said?

"You don't know what butts have been there."

Free From the Chains

My birthday is cursed.

I'm really trying to think that this is really all about fireworks for my birthday.

Big Sister will be Watching Over You

This weekend, we got to meet "the girlfriend."

Marcus denied for quite some time that he had a girlfriend, even though every time I talked to him on the phone, she was around.

I don't blame him. My family is pretty crazy. I wouldn't want to expose poor Tasia to us, either.

This weekend, my parents and I visited Marcus at Gumby's. I knew Tasia worked there, also, so I was scanning the place for her. Marcus had told me she had reddish hair. The girl he finally introduced us to did not have red hair. Maybe Marcus is color blind.

We didn't have a whole lot of time to ask her the full twenty questions, so my parents invited Tasia to my annual birthday dinner of lasagne.

I guess things went well. Marcus said she liked us. But we didn't unleash the absolute craziness. Just wait until she visits for Christmas. If that doesn't scare her, she's probably a keeper.

Everyone asks me if I liked Tasia. And my answer is always "I don't know."

For one thing, it's not like I spent a whole lot of time to figure that out.

For another, I think it's hard for me, because I've always been really protective of Marcus. He may tell you otherwise, since I've been the cause of many of his past injuries. But when it really came down to it, I was always looking out for him.

During thunderstorms, I would lie awake, thinking about what I would do if lightning hit our house. I would think of how I would have to jump through the flames in the hallway and then use the chair in his room to bust out his window so we could jump to safety.

I guess I thought my parents could fend for themselves.

As we got older, I tried to get him to learn from my mistakes. I gave him all sorts of sage advice.

Not that he ever listened.

It's not that I dislike Tasia. It's just that I'm thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I'm theorizing all the ways she could hurt him.

I should like her. She seems nice. She is a Sooners fan. She likes candy. And she really seems to like Marcus, and that's what matters, right?

I guess he can keep her. After all, somebody's gotta do his dishes!

Take a Look Around, Look What I've Found

J'aime les Français!

"I've even eaten a coffin! It was empty; no one was inside."

Monsieur Mangetout

When a medical school in Paris requested the privilege of examining the late Le Pétomane's famous anus, the family declined, stating, "there are some things in this life which simply must be treated with reverence."

Le Pétomane

No Me Llames Frijolero

This is Mickey Mantis. You can read his story by clicking here and moving through the set.

This morning, I was watching a show on The Discovery Channel about how all these different animals have lived through the years by disguising themselves as different things.

There were several praying manits species featured and I'm starting to wonder if maybe Mickey isn't a mantis after all. All the ones I saw on The Discovery Channel were bigger and thicker.

Can anyone tell me if this is a mantis?

There were several other creatures featured. There was a bug that looks just like a stick. There was a gecko that was totally flat and looked like moving tree bark.

And there was also . . . Oh Lord, help me! I wish I knew how to quit you, Poop Week!

There was also a caterpillar that disgused itself as bird poop!!!

And Drop My Good Side

I know, I know. I swore I had ended "poop week." But, it is still technically the same week. So I have another story.

And I didn't totally go back on my promise because this story isn't really about poop. But I was telling this to my mom tonight and she laughed a lot. And I said "Man! I should totally put this in Poop Week!"

I guess you can really thank my mom for this.

The other night, I was driving home pretty late through Old Town. There were people milling about on both sides of the street.

Always a safe and courteous driver, I made sure to pull far away from the curb, giving bar patrons a lot of room. I saw a man parked on his motorcycle with a crowd of people around him.

As I carefully drove by, I heard a giant roar and a flash. It turns out, it was just the guy starting his motor and the headlight coming on right as I passed.

But, at that moment, I could have sworn there was an explosion!

I told my mom, "It scared the crap out of me! Almost literally!"

ps--This story isn't really that funny. But I'm pretty sure a lot of the funny in my stories gets lost by the readers not being able to hear my voice. So, if you'll just imagine me flipping out, that should suffice until I can tell you all in person.

Poop Loser

No, the new brownness of the site is not in honor of "poop week" here at Heart, Aunt Bee.

Back when I started this ranting, I was looking around at other websites and noticed several that used labels, much the way that Flickr uses tags.

Basically, it's like writing something up and then telling the computer to "file that under family!"

You'll find all the labels listed at the end of the brown sidebar to your right. There aren't many there, now. And you'll only find the most recent posts, unless I decide to go through all the old ones and label them.

If every thing works right, though, you should be able to click on the label "family" and find all the posts I've written about family.

Or, for example, you could find the following under bj, family and poop:

When I was really young, a bunch of my family was hanging out at my grandma and grandpa's home. When it was time to go home, we were all lingering in the drive, saying goodbyes, as families do.

I was just minding my own business when suddenly I felt something really really warm hit me on top of the head.

I yelled at my uncle BJ, thinking he had thrown mud at me.

Now, really. BJ is pretty ridiculous, but who would throw mud at a kid?

It turned out, a bird been flying overhead and decided to poop right on my pretty head.

And that, my friends, is the end of poop week.

Please have a good Labor Day Weekend. But don't labor so hard you get hemorrhoids!

I swear, that was the real end of poop week. I just couldn't help myself.

My Heart Will Break Before I Cry!

Back in the year 2000, I started thinking about POE and shouldn't she be coming out with a new album?

SO I looked her up and coincidentally, a new album was coming out within weeks. My ESPN really freaks me out, sometimes.

I found out the album was tied to a book, written by her brother, Mark Z Danielewski. I picked up the book, House of Leaves and became engrossed.

I've never read a book like this before. It's like reading one of those special textbooks where someone has already written the notes in the margins. Because there really are notes in the margins of this book! But the book is way more interesting than a textbook. And it's just so amazing and weird.

I half had myself believing some of the events in the book were real. It was that spooky yet believable. It was a really difficult book to get through, but it's probably one of my favorites.

So it was quite another coincidence tonight when I thought "When is he ever coming out with another book?"

I took a peek over at Amazon and guess what I found. That's right! A new Danielewski book: Only Revolutions.

And is it mere coincidence that the book is released on my birthday?