But Then the Smell Hits 'Em

Happy Halloween!

Gather 'round kids! It's time for the annual Jack-O-Lantern Joe story!

One night, my roommate and I were on one of our many late night trips to Food4Less. it was just before Halloween and, like most other stores, there was a huge pile of pumpkins under the ugly fluorescent lights.

As we left, I commented on how easy it seemed it would be to steal one of these pumpkins. Something posessed me and as we walked by, I just kinda grabbed one.

I'm not sure how it happened, really. But the pumpkin was the perfect size. The stem made a great stealing handle. I would be ashamed, but it was like maybe we were meant to be together.

I bestowed upon this beautiful pumpkin the name "Pumpkin Joe" and vowed to make it the best jack-o-lantern, ever.

Unfortunately, my mother had never allowed me to carve a pumpkin. She's an art teacher and somewhat anal about things and she wanted her jack-o-lanterns to be perfect. Of course she used the "I don't want you to cut yourself" excuse.

In any case, though I had never carved a pumpkin, I was determined to do it right. After hours of designing his face and transferring that into the hard rind of Pumpkin Joe, "Jack-O-Lantern Joe" was born on the thirtieth day of October, 1998.

Here he is. My beautiful, beautiful Jack-O-Lantern Joe.

Now . . . I'm not saying he's the most beautiful jack-o-lantern ever created, but I was pretty proud of myself. We enjoyed how hilariously wasted he looked and on Halloween, had a lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Which was funny until the rain put out the cigarette.

A couple of days after Halloween, we stepped outside to see that Jack-O-Lantern Joe looked a little funny.

In fact, it seemed Jack-O-Lantern Joe had an exciting Halloween, also. It appeared he had contracted herpes.

Yeah. I know. It's scary.

You can't really see it, but there was some sort of white fungus all around his mouth and he was all saggy.

So of course, we were worried, but more so, we were disgusted.

And so we watched Jack-O-Lantern Joe's descent into hell. We couldn't touch him. It was really scary to do so. He just rotted on the corner of our balcony.

One night, as my friends hung out inside, I snuck out and lit a Doritos bag on fire and placed it inside Jack-O-Lantern Joe.

I then yelled for help and as my friends poured outside, they all stopped in their tracks.

I started rambling about how Jack-O-Lantern Joe had spontaneously combusted. I'm not sure if I should admit that I hung out with people like this, but they believed it.

This is Jack-O-Lantern Joe in all his burning glory.

After that, Jack-O-Lantern Joe just got scarier and scarier, as you can see in these last two pictures.

Eventually, I got up enough courage to pick him up (with a spatula) and salute him as he dropped three stories into the bushes below.

Perhaps it was Karma. My punishment for stealing was just a brief time with Jack-O-Lantern Joe.

Or maybe it's a lesson in looking at the bright side of things. Anyone who reads this story can't be too sad about finding their jack-o-lantern smashed in the road on the first of November!

I Might Escape the Dream

I am officially not allowed to get married.

I'm not sure I've ever had a dream about getting married before, so last night may have been a first. And I really hope it's the last.

So I dreamed it was my wedding day. I was hanging out with my family and didn't even know what time the wedding started. This was the first clue to the extreme unorganized nature of this event.

I was told the wedding was at four. It was two o'clock and I had just decided to get ready. I was heading to the shower when I decided to try on my dress.

Apparently, I hadn't seen my dress before. My mom had gotten it cheap. I can't really remember why, but she either won it or got it at an auction.

She did a decent job. It was kind of prom-dressy. It was shiny white with black accents. The skirt was very full. I was pleased until I saw the back. I was certain the zipper would not go all the way up. Maybe I should have tried the dress on a little sooner than two hours before the ceremony!

I called my mom in and she was able to zip it up easily. I guess I had it on wrong. The dress ended up being too big and since it was strapless, I had some trouble holding it up. I started thinking about stuffing my bra and told my mom the one thing I didn't like about the dress.

"Can we hide this Pizza Hut logo?"

That's right. My wedding dress had a Pizza Hut logo the size of a large fist right at my hip. Sweet.

My mom assured me that she could pin a couple of the folds in the skirt together so the logo would be hidden. At this point, I must have been bored with the whole getting ready part of the dream because I was now suddenly at the church.

Jacque was there and was grumpy that she wasn't a bridesmaid. I didn't seem to have any bridesmaids but needed someone to do my hair. "You can be my personal attendant!"

We walked into the reception area where they were setting up for the dinner and dance when I realized we hadn't hired a DJ. I had my iPod with me and convinced Marcus and Casey to just hook the iPod to a stereo and be DJs all night.

"It'll be okay. I have The Hokey Pokey, The Chicken Dance and The Time Warp all on there."

That's the one part of my dream that's true.

I went into the church and was walking around without my hair did (good job, Jacque!) when something else went wrong. I had forgotten shoes.

Instead of just going barefoot, I decided to shoot up the aisle wearing weird brown clogs so my mom wouldn't notice and be mad. I didn't even wait for my dad. in fact, I beat the groom to the altar.

Oh yeah. Who was the groom? Funny you should ask that. It seems like during this whole debacle, I never really cared to whom I was marrying. At some point, I remember bringing up that question to myself in my dream and my brain settled on my high school prom date. But once I got to the altar, I can't tell you who met me there. It wasn't my prom date.

There I was at the altar, waiting for everyone to join me. Ugly brown shoes. An ill-fitting wedding dress. Pizza Hut logo.

My dad finally stood between me and my love. When the preacher asked the question about "who wants to give this chick away?" my dad was on it. But he also said something really goofy. I can't seem to remember what it was.

He then rushed over to the groom and gave him a Benny Hill. Then he ran out into the congregation, grabbed my Uncle David around the neck and did the same to him.

All the men in the audience jumped up and gave each other Benny Hills. I remember seeing gimp over from the side so he could get my dad.

You know, I've ever really wanted to get married, anyway, but I've never completely ruled it out.

However, this has certainly terrified the last shred of "maybe" right out of me!

The Day that I'd Wake Up to Find My Wendy

I just talked to my mom this morning. She told me my hometown is getting a Wendy's.

I'm pretty sure my dad is pee-in-his-pants excited right now, just thinking about all the square hamburgers he'll get to eat.

Take a Look Around, Look What I Found

I'm cleaning out my tabs I've had open during my week of non-posting.

Pretty!

via Your Daily Awesome

Brilliant!

via Kottke

Want!

Cute!

Boy, that feels better. Everything is nice and empty!

You Don't Need an Invitation

This is last in a series of posts about one night with Jacque and Evan that somehow ended up being all about dogs. The night began here.

After a dinner of possible mystery meat, we headed back to Jacque's.

While she took Evan in for a bath, I let the dogs in. They still seemed pretty grumpy that we had been hanging out with other dogs so I made sure to spoil them a bit.

I headed back to the bathroom and heard Jacque scold Evan. I couldn't quite make out what she said but thought I heard "No! Get out of the toilet!"

I walked through the bathroom door and saw Evan sitting on the toilet. "Hi!"

Jacque turned around and just as I put down on the floor inside the bathroom she said "Watch your step!"

Turns out she wasn't trying to get Evan out of the toilet. She was trying to get him on it because he apparently forgot he wasn't wearing a diaper and peed on the floor.

And my foot was square in the middle of the puddle.

Jacque laughed and said it was better than stepping in dog urine. "I've done it a couple of times and it almost made me sick to my stomach."

I don't think I can decide which is worse, but I certainly have reason number 9635 to not have kids.

No I did not forget about this series. It's just intermission.

You Can Swallow Me

This is second in a series of posts about one night with Jacque and Evan that somehow ended up being all about dogs. The night began here.

After listening to a chick talk about how usually when her dogs escape their six foot fence, they go to the other side of Thirteenth Street, we waved goodbye and headed off to dinner.

Jacque took me to a Chinese restaurant she hadn't been to in a long time. I hadn't ever been. It's one of those places that's right there in your face but most people don't really know about.

Everything is made from scratch which of course makes everything taste way better. The steamed dumplings were awesome and by the time our actual meals came, I was pretty full.

We had just about finished our meals when we started hearing barking. Jacque and I looked at each other. The barking sounded like it was coming from the kitchen.

"I ordered the chicken, right?"

No I did not forget about this series. It's just intermission.

This is Not Like Me at All

Yesterday, Jacque and I buckled Evan into the car and headed down the driveway to get some Chinese food.

We noticed a couple of loose dogs at the fence, sniffing at Maizey and Milo. Which happens. But we weren't sure if we should do something.

I could just see Milo deciding to jump the fence and play so I said I'd shoo the other dogs away. But then I started to feel bad. What if something happened to the poor little doggies?

As we got out of the car and started crossing the street, the dogs had no hesitation in running into traffic to meet us.

Of course, they didn't want us to actually touch them. It took me awhile to order them off the street and to grab their collars. They didn't have tags with their home phone number listed, but they did have their vet tags.

Jacque called the vet while I sat on the ground and tried to hang on and keep all the dogs from growling at each other. The vet's office took Jacque's number and said "We'll try to get a hold of the owner."

And so we were supposed to just hang out? Um . . .

Luckily, the owner called within just a few minutes and was not far away. While we waited, we told the dogs in how much trouble they were going to be when their mommy got there.

You know, if I had a dog and it escaped, I'd be a little frantic. And if someone found them and called me and said they'd been running into the street, I'd be so happy that the person had taken time out of their evening to keep my dog safe. I would thank that person profusely when I showed up to pick up the dog. In fact, "Thank you" would have been the first words out of my mouth.

So when the dogs' owner pulled up and stepped out, I figured she would be gushing. Her first words when she looked at the dogs were not quite what I was expecting.

"You guys are assholes."

No I did not forget about this series. It's just intermission.

If You Love Somebody, Better Set Them on Fire

This is fourth in a series of posts. Start your journey here.

We peeled out of Johnny Carino's parking lot and hit the road, looking over our shoulders. I just knew that our server was going to come after me, yelling about how she lives off tips. Of course, if that were true, she might work a little harder to earn them.

The van had been all over the place by now and was thirsty for some gas. Casey stopped at a QuikTrip to fill up.

As soon as he stepped out and closed his door, Raw locked the doors and burst into rather evil giggles. Did I mention we were really mature last weekend?

Casey, who is equally evil in nature, grabbed the gas pump and pretended to spray the van with gasoline. And then he pulled out his lighter.

All the while, he grinned as if to say "This is funny!"

The QT guy walking by did not laugh.

Take All of Your Money and Give It Up to Charity

This is third in a series of posts. Start your journey here.

After getting our hearts broken at Sushi Train, Raw, Casey and I decided to head out to The Legends. They had gone to Johnny Carino's for their anniversary and fallen in love. With bellinis.

Since the weekend was all about partying we thought a nice dinner with equal parts nice drink would get our weekend going better. Casey stopped outside to have a smoke while Raw and I were ushered to a table. Where we waited. And waited. Casey stopped by the bathroom. Raw and I waited. Casey found our table. We all waited.

Finally our waitress came and took our drink order. She arrived with water and took our food order. She came back quickly with our pitcher of bellini. Casey had barely finished pouring his when the waitress showed up with our soup and salad. In a few minutes, here she was with our meals.

For someone who took her sweet-ass time getting to our order, she sure seemed to be rushing us along.

There are gimes when I need my lunch to go quickly. If I'm on my lunch break, I appriciate some fast and friendly service. But when a person is strolling in at two on a rainy Saturday afternoon, usually that person is looking to relax.

The girl obviously had her mind elsewhere. She barely spoke to us and Casey had to tell her three times "Enough parmesan!"

Our napkins had just left our laps when she came to ask if we needed boxes. "Do you want dessert?"

At this point, we were really irritated. Raw and I shook our heads. Casey said "No . . . maybe . . . I don't know. I might. Do you need us to get out of here?"

She seemed very surprised and I think realized she had made us grumpy. Casey decided that now, he didn't want dessert so she left to box up the leftovers.

When she came back, she left the check on the table and told us "You can stay as long as you want."

But apparently we couldn't order more. She never came back to check on us.

I tip big. I mean, it's not like I'm leaving c-notes for my servers. But I generally tip more than your average person. I think I've given less than the fifteen percent that's usually recommended maybe once.

But this chick really irritated me. I decided I was going to go against the good side in me that kept trying to change my mind. I was going way low with my tip.

Casey and Raw both went to the bathroom while I held the check. I didn't want her to see the tip until after I was gone. When Casey got back, I signed my name and then clambered out of our booth.

"Go! Go! Go!" I was rushing Raw and Casey along like we had committed some sort of crime.

Yeah I'm a chicken.

Click here for the next part of the story.

I'll Only Fly Away

Apparently, everyone's moving on to big-kid beds.

Almost as soon as I arrived yesterday, Evan led me back to show me his bed. No more caging that kid in at night!

I oohed and ahhed and told him what a big boy he was as he rolled around and acted cool. We high-fived and then headed out to help Jacque with dinner.

Normally, at bedtime, Jacque has to chase Evan down and carry him to bed. Last night, he practically ran to bed.

I thought this might bode well. If he likes the bed that much, surely he'd want to hang out in it. But just a few minutes after Jacque returned to the living room, we heard the pitter patter of his feet rushing down the hallway.

Over and over again, Jacque would turn Evan right back around and put him in bed. She would sit with him for awhile, hoping he'd fall asleep.

Finally, she came out triumphant. He'd finally fallen asleep.

We cheered--very quietly. Then I rambled on about my trip to KC.

We were both startled by a loud ring. It almost sounded like her phone, but the ring was different.

"Is it yours?" she asked. But my phone was sitting right beside me.

Jacque jumped up and ran to figure out what was going on since she didn't want Evan to get back up. I sat wondering if there was some kind of alarm going off and thinking I might want to run for my life.

I heard Jacque's voice. She obviously wasn't answering the phone.

"Evan! Get to bed!"

It's Just a State of Mind

This is second in a series of posts. Start your journey here.

I'd been planning to go to Worlds of Fun for months and finally decided to go on Columbus Day weekend. That would give me a whole extra day to rest and recuperate.

But then I decided to go to the KU vs KSU game. So I pushed the trip back one week. I'm a brat.

When Columbus Day weekend cam around and the weather was beautiful, I knew I had made a bad decision. I became obsessed with watching the weather.

At first, it appeared that the rain would stay west of Kansas City until Sunday. Since we were planning on going to Worlds of Fun on Saturday, I thought we might be okay.

As I drove to newton early Saturday morning, I saw a lot of lightning to the northeast. That wasn't a good sign.

By the time we got to Lawrence to pick up Raw, it was pretty much pouring and we had already decided Worlds of Fun just wasn't in the cards for us that day. I was really disappointed but kept my fingers crossed.

We were determined to have fun anyway and headed east to the Sushi Train.

By the time we got there, we were starving and really excited. raw and I had never eaten there and couldn't wait to try all kinds of tasty sushi.

Casey was the first to notice there were no cars at Sushi Train. We pulled up to find it was closed.

Would things ever go right for us?

Click here for the next part of the story.

Risin' to the Street

This is the first post of many about my birthday trip to KC. Enjoy!

Yes, I made it back from my trip to KC. I've just been busy recovering.

Raw headed north on Friday. She did some shopping, picked up a new bed for Sophia, hung out with some friends and let the girls get reacquainted with Pat. Pat was Sophia's daycare provider and would be watching the girls while we partied in KC.

Casey and I had to work Friday, so we were going to head up together. I called Casey on Friday night to see what time he wanted to leave in the morning.

"Whenever you want to. It's your weekend."

"Um . . . Would you maybe want to leave at seven?"

I was pretty sure he was going to tell me I was crazy. Instead he said "I'll be up. But you won't be here that early."

Like I do pretty much anytime Casey says something to me, I took offense. "Just for that, I totally will be there at seven!"

Casey continued with his disbelief and even tried to bet me fifty bucks I wouldn't make it. "But I'm talking seven. Not seven-o-one."

"Okay but it can't be seven by your clock. Because you'll see me rollin' up at a quarter 'til and then set your clock to say a quarter after!"

Since we both have Sprint for a mobile carrier, we decided to go by phone time. He must have remembered I grew up on early mornings tailgating. And play practices at six-thirty in the morning. Or rolling out for a debate tournament at five.

Casey tried to take back his fifty dollar bet. "We didn't shake on it!"

"Fine! I'll be there at seven and you're buying breakfast!"

Guess who bought my bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit that was supposed to be a bacon-egg-and-cheese McMuffin?

I hate McDonald's.

Click here for the next part of the story.

Where Did I Get all These Selfish Genes

This weekend is my big "Let's celebrate my birthday forever" weekend in KC.

I've planned on cramming Saturday full of Worlds of Fun and then Fun in Westport.

The last time I was in Westport for my birthday, I got a little silly. I was ordering the wrong drinks and had a few myself which led to trouble.

Westport is a pretty old and the roads are steep and full of little pot-holey dips.

We were leaving the bar we had been hanging out at when something happened behind me and I turned to look back up the stairs.

I still don't even know what really happened. I'm pretty sure I got my heel caught in a pothole and turned my ankle.

Oh yeah and I fell flat on my ass.

Did any of my family or friends come rushing to see if I was okay? Of course not! Strangers came and helped me to my feet! Karma's a bitch, right?

Take a Look Around, Look What I Found

I saw this on Kottke today and it's making me angry.

Usually with this kind of stuff, I can see it both ways. But this chick will NOT spin the other way for me. Which way does she spin for you?

Right Brain v Left Brain

Don't Like Being Wrong

Raw is pretty clever and comes up with some good pranks.

Unfortunately, they don't always turn out quite right; for example, her "We're gonna tow your vehicle" joke from last year.

I stopped by to see Raw and the girls on my way north last Friday. I thought I'd pick up my sunglasses while I was there.

Turns out, the glasses aren't mine. Nice try, Raw!

Take a Look Around, Look What I Found

Brilliant!

South korea: boys cheering for their soccer teams. the most amazing thing is that they do this with their CLOTHES (not holding up cards). they have a jacket that is one color on the back, one on the front, and that they can open or close to show a third color shirt on the inside. One school has also figured out how to use their pants to make shading.

It's Been a Long Day, Always Ain't That Nice

The other day, I was talking to a friend and invited him to go on my weekend trip.

"We're going to Worlds of Fun on October 13 for my birthday!"

"I thought your birthday was two weeks ago."

"Right. But my birthday lasts for months."

"Explain."

I think it all started with Raw and me as good traditions often do. At some point, we decided that it stays your birthday until one of your friends has a birthday.

And of course it had to be a friend who wanted to participate in our birthday fun. Otherwise, the game wouldn't work. You'd still end up with just the same day.

When this started, everyone wanted to play along. I usually had at least a few months of birthday but poor Raw always seemed to get screwed. She was lucky to get two weeks!

As we get older, most people aren't as excited about their birthdays, and don't want them to last longer. So it's really just Raw and I which means we each get about six months of birthday.

"I'm going to get my birthday changed to the day after yours!" My friend decided after hearing my explanation.

"Then I'll just have to stop considering you a friend."

Sacrifices must be made to stretch out my special day!

Don't Masquerade

I tend to leave my sunglasses everywhere.

If it's still daylight, I usually remember them because I need to wear them. But if I arrive in the daylight and leave at night, I'm probably going to forget my glasses.

And it's not like they're easy to miss! I don't wear tiny wire-frame glasses. No way! I like 'em giant and plasticky. BJ always refers to them as my "Jackie-O" glasses.

"You left your damn Jackie-Os here again!"

Tonight, I was perusing through my normal stops on the net when I received an email from Raw.

"I think we found your sunglasses. :)"

I didn't even know I was missing them!

I clicked on the link and this is what I found:

Probably the funniest thing I've seen all week.

Cause My Momma Told Me Better Than That

I try not to just hop on the bandwagon when all of the internet seems to be bashing someone. Okay sometimes I do. But sometimes I just can't help it

Like when Elisabeth Hasselbeck decides to spew stupidity from her mouth.

I watched a couple of Survivor episodes when she was competing. She seemed nice.

I watched when she first joined The View. She seemed nice. Kinda boring, but nice enough.

Then, she decided she wants her own show on Fox News. I haven't said anything because she just seems silly and really, I only watch the show now and then. So when I hear of her mouth running again,it's usually because someone is making fun of her.

I believe in free speech and all, but at some point you know when someone is just being an ass and saying something stupid to provoke people.

I was in the john this morning, getting ready for work. The View was on in the bedroom and I heard someone bring up Hillary and her idea to give every baby born in the U.S. a $5,000 savings bond.

Elisabeth, of course, thinks this is a bad idea, because even if a parent rich or poor, their child still receives the bond. When someone brings up that Social Security is the same, everyone receives benefits. But there's no swaying Elisabeth, who sees Clinton's idea as a gift.

The thing is, this is just something Clinton's throwing out there. It's not a fully fleshed-out idea. With it being a bond, there will be limitations on when you can cash out the funds. The idea isn't to give money to the parents to help them raise the baby. It's to give the kid something to start out their adult life. But in her heart, she is against giving kids a boost.

But just because she's a jackass doesn't mean she's not trying to stay positive.

"But then I realized that there is a benefit because I feel like this is maybe um . . . cause less abortions in the world. You know, people would keep having kids instead. They get the five thousand dollars . . ."

Oh no I was wrong. She's still just being a jackass.

I really couldn't believe I had heard that. I have no idea how she got from point A to point B.

You know, I'm pretty stubborn about my political beliefs, too. But I hope, and please tell me if you know me to be otherwise, I'm not so blind as to not see the flaws to my fellow liberals. I hope that I'm smarter than to open my mouth and let obvious bullshit fly out. I like to think I actually try to understand where "the other side" is coming from. I listen.

And this is where Elisabeth really gets me cranky. She never listens

I could see why it would have been hard to listen when Rosie O'Donnell was the moderator of the show because Rosie is a bit the same way and just kind of wants to beat her ideals into a person. But Whoopi Goldberg seems to be much calmer in stating her stance.

After even Barbara Walters nearly choked on Elisabeth's idiocy, Whoopi very calmly asked Elisabeth to back off. Elisabeth has never been in a situation where she has even had to consider abortion.

"Most women do not have them with some sort of party going on. It is the hardest decision that a woman ever has to make. So, when you talk about it, a little bit of reverence to the women out there who have had to make this horrible decision."

Please note, Whoopi stated "most women." She's acknowledging the fact that there may be women who don't have a hard time with the decision.

But Elisabeth can't take the time to listen to others when she has some media coverage to attract, just starts yelling about how you can't tell her women out there don't have abortions for "superficial" reasons.

Sigh. This is why I find it hard to talk to people about politics. Those who oppose me never listen.

Of course, they're probably thinking "Here she goes again. Rambling on. I hope she doesn't start going on and on about spiders again . . ."

Update!

Watch the video! I'm not making it up!

You're Only the Best I Ever had

I'm sending Dave a big giant Christmas present!